I cant be bothered with my DP's mum. AIBU?

[jammyjay]

I apologise in advance for the essay!
I have been going out with DP for 14 years and during that time his DM and I have never really seen eye to eye. It started off when he first told her about me and her reaction was "could you not go out with a white girl? " Now I was furious when he told me but expected him to have jumped to my defence which he did but in a very lukewarm way. I don't have the best relationship with my parents but I would have given them holy hell if they'd made comments about my DP's skin colour.
The first 7 years of our relationship we always spent Christmas apart as my family are in the south and his are up north( we now live together in the south). I used to accept this at first but then wanted to spend Christmases with him so I would sometimes go up. His DF has always been lovely but his DM is a cold fish and not very friendly. Plus I love lounging and grazing but I can't in her house. I feel she's always watching what I'm doing. If I finish a glass of water wineas soon as I put the glass down it has already been snatched away and washed up! When I'm up there I can never really have a chat with DP because she's always there listening. I sometimes feel she is competing for his attention. AND we sleep in separate rooms as we are not married!!!!
I have spoken to DP about this and initially blamed him for this rotten relationship I have with his mother as he should have been clear with her from the start. But he does speak to her (in a very passive way) and sometimes she listens and sometimes she doesn't.
Fast forward a few years and we now have a toddler and although she's been very good with her and has made an effort with me it's still a very strained relationship. I still cannot relax in her house, I can't even leave the house without her asking what I'm doing? (She may be doing it to show interest but I think she's a nosey cow!) She also has no bin in the bathroom so whenever I have my period I have to hide my personal bits in my DD's dirty nappy! When I was breastfeeding I was shunted upstairs to my room (yep, still separate!) so not to embarrass her - DP even insisted on this despite my protestations! I can't put a wash on in her house, she has to do it, then leave my clean clothes on the bed in my room. You may argue she's being helpful but I'd rather handle and wash my own dirty knickers! I think she's a bit of a control freak!
My two last Christmases have been up north with them ( - we come up so DP's parents can see DD as they live so far away and my "family see DD all the time!") and they've been awful because of her, her mood dictates how the whole house is feeling! I have already warned him that I'm not coming up north again, for Christmas and ever (in the near future anyway) and he needs to spend Xmas with me and our DD in our flat (I personally don't think that's unreasonable!)
I have tried to make an effort for the sake of our DD but I can't be bothered if I'm honest! I'm a grown woman but feel like a stroppy teenager when I'm there. Sitting sulkingsilently in the room when she's around!
To his credit DP does try and make an effort in trying to get us to talk but I think it's too little too late and I've never really forgiven her for thinking I'm not good enough (or white enough) for her precious son!
He's 45!
I'm quite happy to not come up north anymore. DP can go up with DD while I stay down south and clean the flat get drunk every night! I'm too old to put up with this shit! DP is disappointed and feels that is mother is doing better but I'm not relenting! AIBU?!?!

[quirkychick]

You have been together 14 yrs, have a toddler and she puts you in separate rooms? As they say here, you have a dp problem...

[RusholmeRuffian]

Separate rooms? Fuck that! For that alone YANBU.

[redexpat]

No YANBU. Life's too short for this. The only way I can see her changing is if you get DH on side and get him to stand up to her, but even then that's no guarantee.

I think you might have a bit of a DH problem. He doesn't want the drama of confrontation but would rather see you be made uncomfortable than deal with the issue.

[Cherryskypie]

It's an overused line but you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem.

If you do visit he needs to book all of you into a hotel.

[Trifleorbust]

Ridiculous. Time to put down foot. Sharing room and breast feeding where you need to or you don't go. They're having a laugh.

[ThoraGruntwhistle]

I can't believe she'd be fine with doing washing for you but not with your sharing a room with your child's father. Either be totally formal and standoffish or friendly and welcoming. Odd mixture there.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

Separate rooms? SEPARATE ROOMS!!!!!!!!

How the hell does she think the two of you produced DD? Is she not worried that sperms will wiggle their way under the doors and she will step on them first thing in the morning? (Or does she spray the floors with that well-known contraceptive "Sperm-be-Gone"?)

And having to spend your time in a separate room to breastfeed - it isn't a shameful act, it's a natural and wonderful one - and I'm sure you do it discreetly; you don't just whip a tit out and plug the baby on! The B?F issue will take care of itself as she grows (but of course you may have more DCs), but the principle is that you are being excluded from family life.

I agree with other posters - your DP really needs to say something - or just go and sleep in your room, even if you both have to squash onto a tiny bed. He has to take a stand against this bossy old hag rather Victorian attitude.

[gillybeanz]

She is like this because you aren't married and she sees that dh hasn't asked you to marry because he doesn't love you enough/ believe you will stay together. I have met one just like her, oh, and she gives us northerners a bad name
Your dp is no better I'm afraid and I'd be doing some insisting of my own.
Ditto to spending xmas at home, tell her dc should be at home for xmas not dragged round the country and of course it's your parent's trn this year.
I do have to ask though, why have you allowed this in the first place?
It's sort of the norm now.

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

YANBU - When you have your first child you should be doing xmas in your own home from then on anyway. Adults with children don't go to their parents at xmas time.

[happypoobum]

YANBU.

Christmas at home from now on.

DP can visit his parents any time he likes, but without you.

Any time your paths cross be polite.

Everyone should come out happy.

[AnnieOnnieMouse]

You've been far too patient with all of this.
What sort of a timewarp does MIL live in?
Even 40+ years ago my DM and MIL didn't bother trying to separate us when we visited.
Room sharing, or hotel, or simply not going up there. DP needs to face up to his DM, and support you.
I'll always offer to do laundry for visitors - did a load for DS yesterday, but I'm now quite happy for them to load up the machine, and me come and show where the detergents are, etc. I'd hate anyone else to sort out my dirty washing, so had to have a strict word with myself a year or two back!

[JustSpeakSense]

14 years, a child together...and SEPARATE ROOMS! YANBU!

[Just5minswithDacre]

She sounds uncannily like my mother.

The interesting thing is that your DP didn't draw a line right at the start with the racism.

It is difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone who is bigoted/ overbearing/irrational so he ( and the whole family) are probably deeply entwined in their own way of 'handling' her. Iit's dysfunctional and it's obviously not working too well for you. Why would it?

Step back yourself. There's no reason to endure it. It might be the opportunity he needs to redraw his own boundaries with her.

[MyWineTime]

It's an overused line but you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem.
Yes this^^
There is not a hope in hell I would put up with this and your DP should be the one to get it sorted.

[RestlessTraveller]

adults with children don't go to their parents at xmas time bit of a sweeping statement there!

I can see where she's coming from with the washing, if I had guests and they needed washing done then I would insist I do it. Apart from that YANBU. However I'm not a subscriber to the 'get your other half to have a word' brigade. You should tell her yourself.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

What happens when you invite her to stay with you?
How about you host Christmas this year?

[jammyjay]

My partner is great in every way except this. It has been a huge issue in our relationship which he does take responsibility for however I do feel he is a bit of a coward when it comes to really challenging his mother.
Goblin His mother would NEVER come and stay with us! She is very set in her ways and her staying at anyone's house would rip her out of her comfort zone.
Dacre I think you're right, I will completely step back and see if that forces my partner to do anything.
Restless Yes, I should speak to her and I have tried to broach the subject but she will just talk over me and refuse to listen. It's infuriating. I'm afraid that I will lose it with her completely and cause an irreparable rift!

[Crunchymum]

Your DP insisted that you breastfeed in a bedroom??? Did I read that right?

[DiegeticMuch]

The racism is unacceptable. I'm sad that you had to experience it. Disgraceful.

The washing is ok. That's hospitable behaviour (and it saves you a job lol).

I know a few people in their 70s and 80s who wouldn't allow unmarried couples to share a bedroom. My school friend's parents for example - she and her fiancé lived with them for sround six weeks where they were in between houses, and were given sparate rooms. It's not rare. It's not courteous or welcoming either!

[aprilanne]

so this woman does,nt like A your skin colour B the fact you are not married .C breastfeeding .christ no wonder your relationship is strained .i cannot believe her attitude this is 2016 not 1816 .just ignore the siily cow .but yes i know some men never stand up to there mummys .my hubby for one .

[ollieplimsoles]

I stopped reading when I got to the part about being shoved upstairs to breastfeed, and you still sleep apart from your dp!

I say fuck her, she sounds insane. Your dp needs to grow some balls though and stand up to her more, the skin colour comment was unacceptable.

[quirkychick]

I agree with dacre, stepping back and refusing to go might just force your dp to take some action. My mil is difficult and we often end up going low contact when she becomes unbearable. As the Christmas set up is quite entrenched be prepared for quite a bit of bad behaviour from her as she tries to force the issue, though. You will need to stand your ground, I mean why spend Christmas with someone who won't acknowledge your relationship, is racist and forces you to bf upstairs. Just, no.

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

I'm going against the grain here on one thing. Sleeping in the same bedroom - yes it's a bit odd but it is her house at the end of the day. Of course the seperate sleeping thing she is using for control, as she's quite clearly being a thunder cunt