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AIBU to not invite naughty kids?

(28 Posts)
blondebuddha Thu 25-Aug-16 10:23:42

Don't want to out myself so sorry for vagueness but here goes -

My group of friends all have kids from newborn up to around 15. We all get on really well and socialise regularly, whether at each other's homes or out and about. There's quite a few of us so there's usually always a birthday / party / outing planned in the near future.
Only downside is there is one couple who bring their kids who are just really naughty. I don't just mean playing up for the crowd or being a little rowdy. I mean throwing and breaking toys on purpose, shouting and swearing at other kids (and adults), pushing the smaller kids away and taking toys off them so they can play. They have absolutely no respect for the person who's home they are in, trash bathrooms and squirt shampoos up the walls etc, caught purposely squashing food into carpets, tempting the little ones away with the promise of sweets and cake and then locking them in the lounge so they can have free reign of the garden. I could go on but I'm sure you all get the idea. The kids are in my eyes old enough to know a lot better.
I need to also point out that there is absolutely no punishment or telling off from their parents. In my house I will happily tell them off and make sure they understand that I do no tolerate that behaviour in my home, however this means that at the last party they came to (my DD's) I spent more time babysitting them than enjoying my daughters party. Ended up giving in and taking my little one inside away from them all.

So! Question is, AIBU to not invite them next time? And how do I go about doing so? As it's virtually impossible to not let them find out. The parents in question are actually really nice and down to earth but so fucking ignorant (or lazy) to how their kids behave. I feel like it is not my place to question anyone's parenting but my own so struggling to find words to have with them. Don't want to break a really good group of friends up by having petty arguments over kids but it's getting to the point where they are ruining things for people. Help!

myownprivateidaho Thu 25-Aug-16 10:25:48

Can you talk to the parents about it? Just be factual and specific and explain what had happened in the past, say you want to be sure there's no repeat. Not sure how you can invite them without kids otherwise.

OneArt Thu 25-Aug-16 10:30:19

This is a tricky one OP. Your friends probably don't realise how you feel about their children and it will be impossible to exclude them without hurting their feelings. I think your best bet is to try to make them take more responsibility for their own DC and insist that they immediately clean up any mess made.

FetchezLaVache Thu 25-Aug-16 10:34:58

Are the naughty kids a similar age to yours OP? If so, I'd just tell the parents that you're only inviting DD's own age group from now on as she's now old enough to want her own particular friends rather than her mum's friends, IYSWIM.

TheAnswerIsYes Thu 25-Aug-16 11:27:55

I have a similar dilemma but fortunately they weren't available for my Ds's party this year.

I am building up to talking to them but keep chickening out as no one wants to hear anything negative about their children or their parenting. I think it will cause huge offence when I say something so at the moment I am just avoiding arranging to spend time with them alone.

MoreCoffeeNow Thu 25-Aug-16 11:32:20

Say you are sorry but because of events in the past (give examples) you can't invite them because you would have to be watching them instead of enjoying the party.

They won't like it but it sounds as though they need a wake up call.

0hCrepe Thu 25-Aug-16 11:34:43

I would simply not invite them. Don't explain as the kids nor their parents will change. They probably won't ask why if they notice as it's embarrassing but if they do just make something up. There are 2 kids I won't have round or have my kids socialise with because of their behaviour which has caused a lot of upset. The parents can lump it or leave it.

Amelie10 Thu 25-Aug-16 11:36:14

Nah I couldn't be doing with brats spoiling it for everyone. We have this in our group and don't always invite this family, think they know their kids are an issue though.

Missgraeme Thu 25-Aug-16 11:38:07

If she is a good friend why does she let them behave like this in your house? If she is a good friend just tell her the kids behaviour isn't acceptable in your house - if she isn't a good friend just don't invite them! If she has a pink fit then too bloody bad!

DanceWithThePoets Thu 25-Aug-16 14:03:11

You shouldn't have to put up with behaviour like that in your own home - especially from someone else's children. How can you or your other guests relax and enjoy themselves? Have your other friends not commented at the time?

I don't think much of their parents to be honest! Sounds like they jump at the offer of an invite just to give themselves a few hours break from them. Not fair on you at all.

We knew a girl like this (an older sibling of twins that my DCs were friendly with) - she would've been about 8 at this time. Lots of general naughtiness; almost toddler-like - strops if another child was on the chute that she "needed to be on" at that precise moment / quite jealous when the younger ones were possibly getting more attention than her / greedy - you couldn't put out a few treats on a plate for them to share because she'd grab the plate for herself. What was so infuriating about it was that the mother just stood back and said nothing. So I was always the bad guy!

In truth, I simply found it too wearing to have this family round anymore (which was a shame on my 2 & the twins). There was always tears, someone was always hurt, something was always broken, always an hour's worth of mess to clean up after they left.

I have almost worn myself out just with the memory of it!

mscongeniality Thu 25-Aug-16 14:27:21

I don't think I could be good friends with anyone who had such different parenting styles to me. You can't control who the others invite but you can control who you invite to your house. You'll probably need a good reason though....very tricky situation.

andintothefire Thu 25-Aug-16 15:31:53

How close are you to their parents? I agree with the suggestion by PPs that, if you know them well enough, you could start by telling them that you have concerns about inviting their children to your house. It sounds as though they have effectively bullied younger children and/or that some of the other children might be uncomfortable around them. If so, I think that is a good reason to say either that you don't feel comfortable inviting them because they upset other children, or that you are happy for them to come but the parents need to keep more of an eye on them and intervene immediately to stop any bad behaviour.

Ultimately I would probably be prepared to put up with (or find strategies to deal with) general naughtiness for the sake of harmony, but I wouldn't put up with behaviour that upset other children. Some of the naughtiness such as trashing the bathroom could be contained by banning children under a certain age from all but one room of the house during the party (apart from accompanied loo visits). But it is harder to know how to deal with them being mean to other children.

2rebecca Thu 25-Aug-16 16:59:10

Wait until your daughter is old enough to choose who to invite to her party. Then who you are friends with is irrelevant. It's her party for her friends.
If she's too tiny to care just have a couple of kids round that you like and don't publicise it and show endless pictures on facebook so people feel left out.

blondebuddha Thu 25-Aug-16 18:41:47

Is it awful to say I'm so relieved it's not just me!? I was expecting to get slated for asking that question but I feel so much better now, thank you everyone.
I am really close to the mum of these kids but the dad is a complete tosser to be honest - we never see eye to eye as he's one of those 'been there done it better' type of people. Yuck.
My DD is quite abit younger but they're all still at that age where they play together so it's difficult, we are all invited to each other's parties / kids parties regardless of age etc. I'm either going to have to stop the invites and hope they get the message or give them abit of a talking to. Can't see either of this going down well but it can't be much worse than consoling my child when she's been thrown off her own slide by some little shit angry

Trojanhorsebox Thu 25-Aug-16 19:15:28

Difficult if you like the mum..... you may lose the relationship anyway if you try to say or do anything as some people just can't tolerate hearing anything remotely critical about their kids.........but if you like her enough to want to try to maintain the relationship would meeting on neutral territory work?

So don't have them round to your house - vague excuse about small parties for family only or child's best friends etc, but meet them at the park or somewhere like that - your house doesn't get trashed and it's easy enough to make excuses and leave for an "appointment" if the behaviour gets out of hand. I'd favour plain honesty myself, but you probably would end the friendship that way!

MAsMum Fri 26-Aug-16 01:39:20

My son is 7 and for the past 3 years we have invited the "naughty kid" in the class to my son's party because I didn't think that it was right to leave out one child. However, I have changed my mind completely. The naughty child's birthday was in June and he chose two boys out of the class to invite to his party and nobody else.

All year the school have been promoting the inclusivity policy to the extent that my Ds has come home and said" we must all play with X to teach him how to play nicely ".

In June, the naughty kid threw a fork in the canteen which hit my son just under his eye, a few days later he pulled my son's tie ( elastic ) and pinged his cheek causing a large welt on his cheek. The lunch supervisors reported this to the teacher and the teacher told me she was dealing with it so I left it with her.

2wks before X's party my Ds asked about it. I explained to him that you don't always get invited to parties. For the next week X kept pestering DS about whether he was coming to X's party which culminated in the teacher asking DS whether we allowed him to go to the party. I was livid that the teacher chose to be involved but even more so with the parents of X because it seems that because they acquiesce with their child's behaviour he is given a free pass to say and do what he likes irrespective of whether it hurts other kids.

So, I ( as a mum who had to climb through the bouncy assault course at Ds' party holding X's hand to stop him biting other children)would save yourself a lot of hassle and make the break now as otherwise for the next few years rather than enjoying your child's birthday you will end up dreading it as you will be too busy worrying about the naughty kids!!

Cathaka15 Fri 26-Aug-16 01:53:00

Haven't any of the other parents said anything ? I don't like confrontation ( can't be assed) so I have cut out anyone who annoys me or my dcs in that way. who cares if they found out about the invite. Maybe they wil get the message. And if they ask you you can tell them then that they have out of control kids.

hazeimcgee Fri 26-Aug-16 02:04:36

If she's such a good friend, at the next event i'd be saying hey Mary can you come and get Bill he's stomping cake into the carpet, i'll get you a pan and brush. Hey Mary can you come and get Ted, he's locked Mary in the cupboard.

What currently happens when the kids do naughty things? Does someone else sort them out so the parents don't have to?

bumsexatthebingo Fri 26-Aug-16 02:11:08

How can you like the mum if she allows her kids to completely trash peoples homes? That's not a difference in parenting - it's a complete lack of respect. I wouldn't want to mix with any of them tbh.

DixieWishbone Fri 26-Aug-16 02:17:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsA2015 Fri 26-Aug-16 02:19:34

Don't invite them. Period. If the parents are supposed to be your friend they wouldn't allow their children to disrespect your property and effort that goes into planning the party! If they want to have unruly behaviour at their own houses then so be it but not at the expense of others

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 26-Aug-16 03:08:12

Don't invite them. And, if they ask (since they will find out) TELL them that their children's behaviour is the reason why they weren't included, as you have better things to do than fire-fight their children's unfettered feralness! (in words of your own choosing, obvs).

You'll have a much nicer party without them.

I didn't invite any children to my wedding because of a couple of close family member ferals - couldn't have explicitly excluded them, so had to exclude all (but babes in arms).

Bahhhhhumbug Fri 26-Aug-16 03:15:25

Naughty child in our case is our 9yr old DGS/ DSGS who is horrible to his half dsister and always backed up / believed by his mother. She thinks my DH ( DGF to both DCs )is

on golden child because he calls it like it is when 'D'GS blatantly lies about who hit who and so on.

Bahhhhhumbug Fri 26-Aug-16 03:16:36

picking on

DeathStare Fri 26-Aug-16 03:31:11

Are the other parents in your friendship group also aware that these children's behaviour is a problem?

If they are could you send a generic email to everyone and the others would know that it's not aimed at them?

Something like.....

Hi everyone

We hope you can all come to DC's birthday party. However I'm going to ask that all parents keep a close eye on their children. At recent events X and Y and Z has happened and has ruined the party for other children. Nobody wants this to happen again so please could you all make sure you step in at the first sign of any trouble

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