..to really not like MIL a lot

(17 Posts)
Resurgam2016 Thu 25-Aug-16 09:49:27

She's a racist homophobe who ignores every request in terms of DC (please don't rock them to sleep when we're trying to keep them awake till bedtime etc. Etc. ).

I sometimes think I am being unfair in my dislike then she'll have a glass of wine and start banging on about immigrants destroying society.

I've tried to like her but every interaction grates. Should I just forget the bigotry and focus on fact that DC love her? AIBU?

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Thu 25-Aug-16 09:53:48

Hard to say, people like that exist and I doubt you'd be able to cut them entirely out of your life (I'm talking work colleagues, casual friends who turn out to be DM readers etc).

On MN it seems every second MIL enjoys rocking/feeding inappropriate food/stocking house with own versions of toys/changing child's clothes and so forth. So in that case your own MIL is fairly run of the mill.

I'd probably just put up with it for a quiet life, especially if the DC are fond of her. YANB entirely U but it's probably not worth getting too het up about.

ohfourfoxache Thu 25-Aug-16 10:01:25

Grit your teeth as much as you can, and make it very very clear to your dc that she is wrong. If you can, pull her up on it in front of them and enforce the "no vitriol in front of the Dc" rule.

Kids aren't stupid- they'll get the measure of her soon enough

Pineappletastic Thu 25-Aug-16 10:03:38

My DM is like this (my DC isn't born yet so can't comment on that bit), so I love her, but I don't like her. I pull her up on her bigotry every time, it's uncomfortable but I just can't let it slide, it is probably easier with an actual blood relation though. She knows if she pushes too far I'll go NC until I've calmed down, so she's on best behaviour atm as DC is due in four weeks!

YANBU, tell her to STFU when the bigot hat comes out.

Resurgam2016 Thu 25-Aug-16 10:06:23

Can you really tell MIL's to STFU?? That would be amazing. I think I will sit back and fantasise about this for a little while.

WhooooAmI24601 Thu 25-Aug-16 10:09:49

For sure. I tell mine off when she's being a bollock. I love her to bits but she can be rude at times without really even realising so I call her out on it. DH was mortified the first few times I did it but she and I have a great relationship. I spend lots of time with her with the DCs when DH works away and I wouldn't be able to do that if we couldn't be upfront with one another.

Missgraeme Thu 25-Aug-16 10:14:44

I would start mentioning your new friend (pick suitable non typically English name) and make sure she gets the message u don't want to be hearing racist remarks from now on. Surely u won't want your lo hearing such crap in the future?

monkeysox Thu 25-Aug-16 10:17:38

I dream of telling mine to stfu. "headlice jump, ask anyone" erm OK
Dh had put the washing out "he'd done that for you. He's good like that" some were his clothes ffs. He was going to go to work after but really. We're in 2016 and I work too.

duskonthelawn Thu 25-Aug-16 10:20:36

I fully admit that if my MIL wasn't DPs mum I would long ago have told her to do one. I won't go into detail but the unfortunate thing about families is that you make a lot more exceptions to people however cruel, malicious or toxic they may be.
Grit your teeth and rise above what you can but put your foot down where you need to, is how I try to deal with it.

bluebeck Thu 25-Aug-16 10:38:20

I would tell her I don't tolerate homophobic or racist language in my home or around my DC. If she didn't respect that she would not be allowed in my home or around my DC.

Obviously she can do/say what she likes in her own home or when my DC aren't there.

What does DH say about her being such racist/homophobe?

Resurgam2016 Thu 25-Aug-16 11:08:10

DH laughs about it because she is so ridiculous. But it upsets me.

I have started fighting back as of this morning and told DC who was asking her about Nelson Mandela (and was being given a very negative view) that she was a racist. Afterwards he told her she was wrong. Small victories.

PJBanana Thu 25-Aug-16 11:58:55

I have this with my MIL and FIL too. They took great pleasure in their smugness when we voted out of the EU. It made my blood boil as I WANT to get along with them but I completely disagree with a lot of their views.

When I was growing up my grandparents were like that too. My mum always made a point of telling me about different cultures and how everybody is the same regardless of race/skin colour etc, and she often told me that she disagreed with her parents' views. That has stuck with me, thankfully.

What you're doing is right. Bigots will bring up bigots, so do everything you can to ensure that your DC don't follow MIL's example!!

yorkshapudding Thu 25-Aug-16 12:05:45

I think it's fine to challenge racism and homophobia, whoever it's coming from. I would also politely request that MIL refrained from spouting such bigotry in from of DC. If she continued to spout bigotry in their presence I would challenge her about it in front of them, calmly and appropriately and later on when we were on our own take the opportunity to explain to DC why she is wrong.

rosesarered9 Thu 25-Aug-16 14:37:14

Just from the title YANBU
I haven't even read your post yet. grin

Gwenci Thu 25-Aug-16 15:02:28

I have this exact problem with my FIL. He's ever so fond of his DGC but that doesn't mean he isn't a total racist, homophobic, islamaphobic dick when he starts holding court on politics/terrorism/Brexit etc. Its horrible as I want to like him but he makes it hard!

Luckily my DH feels the same (as does MIL!) so he's been told in no uncertain terms by both not to spout his vile drivel in front of the DC's.

If he ever does he'll find himself rounded upon from all quarters.

As it is I, do call him out on it every single time he spouts forth with how every Muslim is a terrorist. I can't let it slide. We'll never agree but I feel better at least telling him how hateful his views are.

RubbleBubble00 Thu 25-Aug-16 15:33:03

Mine is the same BUT she also generous, kind, caring, adores dc, does any favour, helps out loads.

We have had the odd frosty debate over last 10 years as she has very set views on foreign nationals, religion ect. But I tend to say we agree to disagree and make sharp exit.

People are who they are.

MatildaTheCat Thu 25-Aug-16 15:55:50

FIL is pretty similar and deliberately says things to get a rise out of people. He's extremely old and has got worse. Sadly, nobody really likes spending time with him. YANBU but I don't have an answer except to ignore stupid comments completely. Re the parental requests I would say something and be clear I meant business.

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