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To feel hurt by my sister?

(10 Posts)
keepwarm Mon 22-Aug-16 19:09:51

So. This is a long running thing but I'll put the events in chronological order for clarity.

My sister's first child was born 2 and a bit years ago. I live at the other end of the country so visited briefly after the baby was born, then came home again at Christmas.

I have severe OCD and a phobia of vomit. I've been treated for this and it's not a major problem any more. When I got home that Christmas I was told that I was forbidden to hold my ten week old niece or pick her up at all in case she vomited and my response traumatised her so much that she also grew up to develop OCD. I was fairly heartbroken but my mum put it down to "she's a new mum, she's sensitive, just let it go"

So I did. Subsequently I sent a video via Facebook to one of our younger cousins who had been struggling with depression and self harm as I did when a teenager. My sister was scrolling through my Facebook when she came across this and sent me a message suggesting I take it down in case "she gets bullied over it at school". I replied something like, it's the kind of thing she's asked me to send her and thought no more of it til I woke up to a long diatribe demanding I take the video down and saying "if she's bullied into hurting herself it'll be your fault, I don't know how you can be so cruel, take it down right away". (Incidentally both the cousin and her dad thanked me for linking her to it!) Again I found this really hurtful so didn't speak to her for a few days. Eldest niece's birthday happened soon after so I texted and sent a gift, didn't get a reply only to be texted by my dad asking why I hadn't contacted my sister as she was upset with it being baba's birthday. I screenshotted the message and missed calls and texted them to him. Again, I was really distressed by this but my mum said "when you're a mum you worry more about children, you won't get it" (by the way I'm a social worker with a long history of working with emotionally disturbed and traumatised children) so I sucked in my breath and ignored it again. Things went on as usual.

Earlier this year I was briefly admitted to hospital. My parents knew I was ill but not that I'd been admitted as my second niece's first birthday was coming up and I didn't want to overshadow it. I remembered the birthday but being in hospital couldn't send a gift-I explained to my sister giving another reason and she was fine about it.

I did briefly go home and while I was there, my brother made a pretty gross rape joke in front of me, my mum and sister while bouncing littlest niece on his knee. I objected and was told it was just banter and to stop stirring up trouble: again I let it go.

Couple of weeks later at Easter I got a text asking why "your Twitter is full of pictures of my kids". My Twitter account is locked and anonymous and yes, did have pics of my nieces, but none showing their faces. My sister sent me text after text about how stupid I was and how dare I and anyone could have those pictures and I should know better. My sister has an unlocked Instagram account with her full name on which consists entirely of pictures of the girls with their names on, some of them are naked pictures which are cute but I personally would say for family only, and she doesn't see a problem with this.

I was too unwell and discouraged to get into it with her. She blocked me on Facebook and I left it there, to let things cool. I did unlock my Twitter so she could see that the photos had been taken down, whereupon she found a tweet where I sarcastically complained about having a beautiful sister and decided this was beyond the pale. I haven't spoken to her since and I'm still blocked. My parents haven't sent me any pics or news of my nieces-I'm assuming they've been told not to. My mum accidentally sent photos of them to an old WhatsApp chat I was tagged in-immediately blocked by sister on WhatsApp.

Again explained to parents that a locked Twitter with no face shots is far less risky than a detailed unlocked Instagram to be told again "she's a mum, you feel not protective when you're a mum" (can I just repeat: I am a social worker!)

My parents came to visit for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. My mum told me I was out of order for missing the younger girls birthday (which I'd explained at the time) and then said "you just need to grow up and apologise to your sister, she's a young mum and the girls are caught in the middle". It's hard to see how, given that I'm allowed nothing to do with them and I suspect my parents have been told to go along with that.

My parents are asking when my Masters graduation will be in the New Year and I honestly feel like if they allow this to unfold I don't really want them there taking credit for something I achieved. I really feel at the minute like telling my parents that if they don't make changes or seek some sort of therapy that I don't want to see or hear from them as its too gutting to be constantly put in these situations.

So, the question is: am I being unreasonable?

Missgraeme Mon 22-Aug-16 19:14:41

Dnbu. . You actually sound like the most balanced and adjusted member of your family. I am glad ss have someone like you on board. Seems your dn would benefit from having you around despite relatives opinions against. If I was you I would invite a friend to your graduation and enjoy your well deserved day of recognition. . Well done. Your family are best left to their idiosyncrasies.

Irelephant Mon 22-Aug-16 19:17:23

If that was my sister she would of been put in her place by now.

I understand you can advocate violence being a sw and everything wink

She sounds bloody deranged yanbu totally unfair on your nieces.

Moreisnnogedag Mon 22-Aug-16 19:19:18

Gosh I'd be limiting contact not least because of all the "you don't understand because you're not a mother" style comments. Personally I'd lay it out for them and then they choose.

IAmNotAMindReader Mon 22-Aug-16 19:26:19

Your parents indulge your sister. If you had children they would ne saying oh well you don't understand because yours aren't the same sex or age as hers. In their mind she is to be babied and protected whilst they see you as made of tougher stuff. As you've grown she has become spoilt and entitled where you have gone to having your feelings totally ignored by them.

JinkxMonsoon Mon 22-Aug-16 19:29:03

Sounds like you're the family scapegoat. How dare they?

Yorkieheaven Mon 22-Aug-16 19:33:59

Yep you sound lovely and your sister sounds spoilt and silly.

Do you think she was jealous of the attention you may have received from your parents while you were ill? No excuse at all though.

You know what op you need to insulate and protect yourself from her nasty behaviour. Stay strong

PoppyFleur Mon 22-Aug-16 19:33:59

YANBU. I'm in awe at your restraint OP because frankly in your shoes I would have completely lost patience with your family.

Has your sister felt in past that she walks in your shadow? I'm just wondering if she views having children, and in turn giving your parents much wanted grandchildren, as the ultimate upper hand - hence the behaviour that always keeps her in the spotlight and marginalises you?

SlightlyperturbedOwl Mon 22-Aug-16 19:36:10

YANBU and you sound pretty balanced to me. We are minimal contact with part of my DH's family for similar reason. We just exchange the odd pleasantry if we have to, cards and small gifts to their DCs by post and leave it there. we spend more effort on friends as its mutually enjoyable flowers

Caken Mon 22-Aug-16 19:37:59

They sound like a rotten bunch, each of them enabling the rest. Don't be dragged into their pettiness, you've done nothing wrong flowers

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