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In cutting my sister-in-law off completely?

(54 Posts)
Fortitudine Sat 23-Jul-16 15:07:44

I've never got on with my sister-in-law. Her and DH are chalk and cheese, and are not close. She is money obsessed, snobbish and generally unpleasant. Although she and her husband both have well paid jobs and expensive hobbies (5 horses do not come cheap!), she is always crying the poor tale, and shamelessly guilt trips her parents into "lending" her money, she is not above threatening for them not to see the grandchildren if she doesn't get her own way. Her idea of "lending" isn't the same as mine, either - she never pays her loans back.

I've tolerated her for the sake of my parents in law and nieces, but that's it. She's never visited my house, not for want of being invited.

Myself and DH are older than her, and some years ago my father died. No condolences from SIL, no card, nor anything when I saw her face to face about a month later. She did, however, sidle up to me and say how lucky I was that I'm an only child as I'll inherit everything when my mum dies. I'm not often speechless but I was then - I was staggered by her inappropriateness and insensitivity.

Fast forward ten years and my mother died. As SIL so tactfully pointed out, I inherited the entire estate, apart from some amounts to some of my cousins. My mother had also very generously gifted money over the years to me and my two children. We were comfortably off before this, but this inheritance is quite a substantial amount - not millions, but house prices in the south east meant that the estate had increased dramatically.

Again, after this bereavement, no card from SIL, but I never expected one - I've barely exchanged more than a dozen sentences with her in ten years. However, two months ago I received an email from her asking for a loan of £15,000. (She got my email address from my mother-in-law - she's never had cause to email me in the past).

I actually laughed out loud when I read it. She's spun a real sob story about needing to set up a business and how it would be an investment. Big nope from me though! I was tempted to reply telling her to go f*%! herself, but instead just said that I am not in a position to lend money to people, and she should approach a bank. I was truly outraged though. How dare she? I want nothing to do with her at all now, not even for the sake of the rest of the family. Please tell me this is not unreasonable?

wizzywig Sat 23-Jul-16 15:10:35

Ic she is good in business then you could incest as a partner. Im sure she just actually wants your money though

Littleallovertheshop Sat 23-Jul-16 15:12:55

What a typo...

Sn0tnose Sat 23-Jul-16 15:15:05

She sounds like an absolute treasure.

No, I don't think yabu. Each of us is responsible for deciding how much negativity we can cope with in our life and it sounds like she's tipped over into far more than is worth it. Is she your DH's sister? Has he not been in touch with her asking what the hell she thinks she's playing at?

And, most importantly, I'm sorry for your loss.

MollyTwo Sat 23-Jul-16 15:17:09

Yanbu, have as little to do with her as possible. And definitely don't get into business with her, what a stupid idea!
The absolute cheek of her asking, glad you said no though.

emotionsecho Sat 23-Jul-16 15:18:33

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Your SIL has no interest in you except for the possibility of milking money from you, you've barely exchanged a dozen sentences with her in the last ten years so either keep the status quo or reduce it to zero which it doesn't seem far from anyway.

Ilikegin Sat 23-Jul-16 15:20:34

Oh my god! No way would I invest/lend and never see that money again! She sounds horrendous and to think she had the cheek to email you and not even ask face to face! If you were close I still wouldn't recommend mixing business with relatives it always ends badly! My DH brother recently contacted us asking if we could be guarantors for his GF to the tune of 9k /5k loan plus interest, she refuses to speak to us will not come to visit and is generally a nightmare, the reasons being she cheated on BIL twice and he came to us to complain about her we obviously sided with him and when he went back to her told her what we thought of her behaviour! Erm nope we will not be guarantors for her thank you very much! 😳

FantasticButtocks Sat 23-Jul-16 15:22:11

She sounds like a nasty, money-grubbing, insensitive, self-serving bitch! You are right not to want to have anything more to do with her. You are even more right to have said no to her audacious request and pointed her in the direction of her nearest bank - well done! flowers

humblesims Sat 23-Jul-16 15:23:12

I think you did very well not to tell her to go f@%k herself.

Shizzlestix Sat 23-Jul-16 15:24:36

You will never get any money back. Don't give her a penny. YANBU.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Sat 23-Jul-16 15:26:28

YANBU in not lending her the money however YABU in not telling her to fuck away off and delete your email address from her memory grin

MadamDeathstare Sat 23-Jul-16 15:27:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CodyKing Sat 23-Jul-16 15:28:23

What did DH say?

AntiHop Sat 23-Jul-16 15:28:59

Have you posted about her before? Of course yanbu.

Sorry for your loss flowers

stonecircle Sat 23-Jul-16 15:30:21

YANBU. But has your DH never pulled her up on her behaviour over the years? Never commented to her on her lack of condolences when your parents died?

She sounds appalling and your response was very diplomatic and no doubt designed to avoid any family rifts. Does she have NO self awareness at all?!

wizzywig Sat 23-Jul-16 15:30:33

Oh oops!!! I meant invest not incest!!!

OurBlanche Sat 23-Jul-16 15:31:40

DH didn't hesitate when his brother held his hand out for £20K... apparently they know we save and thought we would like to help them out!

Luckily I wasn't home, but DH did say that if he wanted to pay for new cars, Caribbean holidays, to work part time and a cleaner 3 days a week, he'd do it himself rather than vicariously through them!

PoisonousSIL told their uncle I told DBIL I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. To be fair, I did, about 20 years earlier smile

DH got a phone call... and explained that he'd rather by himself a house than pay for DBs holidays... Uncle apologised!

Sorry, OP, what does your DH think would be a good response? We could all get together and help him be very creative smile

Ladythraps Sat 23-Jul-16 15:33:46

Cheeky cow! I'd cut her off completely after that. What a brass neck!

SoleBizzz Sat 23-Jul-16 15:37:07

Yanbu. The cheek!!

Comedyusername Sat 23-Jul-16 15:37:12

YANBU! She sounds lovely...

Do you think she told your MIL why she needed your email address? What would they say about it?

Notagainmun Sat 23-Jul-16 15:39:41

You don't need this insensitive, self centred money grabbing cow in your life.

Funny how a windfall draws a dummy relatives. My mother was always the one to keep in touch with her younger brother, he never called her. She can't keep any news to herself and when my very hard working dad (very physical job for almost fifty years) retired he had a good lump sum and pension. My uncle came to visit once a week for a month and he was in the process of setting up yet another daft business venture.

I know from my mother that he was forever being baled out by his parents who were broke when they died and it was my father's money that buried them. My mum is a bit of a soft touch where her brother is concerned and she manages the household finances so I was concerned enough to have a word with her.

She admitted he had asked her for money but she had told him that it was up to my Dad. Funnily enough he stopped calling and visiting as he knew my Dad would refuse point blank.

Fortitudine Sat 23-Jul-16 15:40:08

I've not posted about her before. DH and his parents seem resigned to the fact she's awful - they seem to have written her off. Though DH has phoned her and told her never to ask for money ever again. She's currently not speaking to him, they scarcely speak anyway so it's not as if he feels it. Her daughters are late teens early twenties, and the eldest at least seems to have the measure of her mother and has distanced herself to some extent.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 23-Jul-16 15:49:29

I'd mock up a cheque for £20k (Grabbits Bank?) and send it wishing her well in her new venture

And then laugh for the rest of my life every time I thought of it

DownstairsMixUp Sat 23-Jul-16 15:51:53

Yanbu. I cut my sil off for various reasons. Best thing I did. 🖒

CoolCarrie Sat 23-Jul-16 15:55:38

Thats good that her eldest dd has distanced her self from her, follow her example!

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