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To want a big wedding?

(20 Posts)
YourNewspaperIsShit Sun 10-Jul-16 23:25:27

Yes weddings are all about love and the couple and that's all that matters, but honestly I would adore strolling down the isle in the big dress, the party and the fuss.

I've been married before, we eloped and had only my Dsis and DD present. Been divorced for years now.

My problem is the two sides of my family DM and siblings plus family/DF and DSM plus family hate each other. Like, punch each other in the face wouldn't come to my wedding if the other one did hate each other.

AIBU to think they could just suck it up for one day. I dream of DF walking me down the isle and apart from one Dsis no-one else from DM's side would turn up sad It's also the only opportunity DF will ever get to do this in his lifetime.

We wanted a big bash for DS's christening and ended up it being just us, because both sides made it so difficult that I couldn't invite any. Then they got annoyed because they weren't going. Each thought they deserved to go more than the other. A wedding feels a little more monumental though.

So basically to get what I want I have to chose a side. Or invite none and just have DP's family.

Or AIBU and I should fuck off and elope again? which I dont want deep down if I'm being honest even if it's materialistic

Only1scoop Sun 10-Jul-16 23:30:31

It's a second wedding and also I couldn't personally think of anything worse than a big wedding.

Particularly with the whole family thing going on. Sounds like a right headache.

What does your fiancée think?

FlyingElbows Sun 10-Jul-16 23:33:57

Just invite your family round for a punch up and set fire to loads of tenders, it'll amount to the same thing!

Sometimes dream events are best left in your head where nobody can fuck them up.

WetPaint4 Sun 10-Jul-16 23:39:09

Speak to your family before getting too deep into organising anything. Explain to them about your concerns following the christening and let them know missing your wedding is a very real possibility if they can't get their shit together for one day. Maybe they agree to attend and stay away from each other or you invite none of them.

Not unreasonable for your heart to want a big wedding at all and you can clearly see the obstacles but you may have to have some pretty harsh words with your family and then invite lots of friends / colleagues instead.

YourNewspaperIsShit Sun 10-Jul-16 23:43:10

Not sure what it being a second wedding has to do with it confused My first was eloping when I was very young and no-one even knew lol. This is far more special in my opinion. DP's family are really close and would be gutted to miss it. He would also like a big special day to share with family/friends. His family is split as well but they are amicable.

I know it won't be perfect but I bloody hope I'll never being doing it again and would hate to think back and wish we'd just gone for it IYSWIM?

I'm tempted to say to everyone that DF and DSM are coming and I know one of my Dsis will likely not speak to me anymore.... But honestly that's so petty she'd be welcome to do so. I can cope with the tantrum they would throw but not sure it's worth all the guilt they'd lay on for years to come sad

YourNewspaperIsShit Sun 10-Jul-16 23:45:06

All I can think is I've been messenger of hate between them all, peacekeeper and all sorts for my entire life so why should me and DP not have the day we want just because they'll spit the dummy out

whatamockerywemake Sun 10-Jul-16 23:53:20

If what you want is: the big dress, the party and the fuss
There's no reason you can't have all of that even if your family hate each other. Big dress = down to you. DF walking you down the aisle = yes, if he'll come (and you may not be able to invite people he's at war with if this is part of those issues, but that's what you want, then you invite him and "his" side). The party = yes, as long as you and DF have other friends and family to invite. The fuss = down to you and whether the rest of your friends and family will make one for you.

But, do-able, I'd say, if that's what you want.

CamilleClaudel Sun 10-Jul-16 23:56:26

Nothing unreasonable about wanting a big wedding, but you're clearly going to have to restrict the guest list to friends and any non-violent relatives you can scratch together, because with the families you've got, it sounds more like a big battle.

rollonthesummer Sun 10-Jul-16 23:58:03

Oh dear/why do they hate each other?

Champagneformyrealfriends Mon 11-Jul-16 00:03:24

Do what you want. Believe me, you'll only regret it if you don't. Our wedding was compromise after compromise because dh's mum wanted it to be all about her. I regret not being more selfish.

YourNewspaperIsShit Mon 11-Jul-16 00:21:58

I think if you really made me choose I would chose DF which sounds awful but DM and me aren't very close, however Dsis1 is my best friend and lives with DM.

They've been divorced since I was a toddler and DM claims DSM was the "other woman" where as DF says they met months later. Not something your kids should be dragged through really but they are both quite petty and childish. DSM has always acted like a mum to me and my kids call her grandma too sad

The consequences of me chosing DM's side is Dsis2 being smug and self-entitled. DM wouldn't cause a fuss on the day but would always bring it up afterwards "well in the end you picked this side etc". I would have no-one at all to walk me down the isle (DGF deceased). DF would never get to walk anyone down the isle and would miss the only child's wedding he could attend (both Dsis would not invite him to theirs). DSM doesn't have any kids so she would miss out too. DF's family would be disappointed but not angry and still speak to me/forgive me.

The consequences of me chosing DF's side would be Dsis2 going absolutely nuts and blaming me for a million things before cutting contact (I have nephews I would hate to lose but not extremely close with atm). Dsis1 in an awkward position with DM/Dsis2 but still attending as we're very close. DM would be very disappointed forever (and probably talk about it til her dying day how she missed it and it makes her feel terrible, she likes a good guilt trip) but not kick off for the sake of my DC's. DM's entire family would still speak to me (I think) but shun me and bitch about it/bring it up a lot. Actually maybe they wouldn't speak to me.

If we only invite DP's family then both scenarios happen. And if we elope then my family don't kick off (although my DF and DSM still miss out, DM has 2 other weddings she's a big part of) and DP's family are gutted they miss it because they're very close sad

We want to set a date but can't even see how any scenario would work.

LagunaBubbles Mon 11-Jul-16 00:24:51

Only1scoop saying you can think of nothing worse isn't very helpful - it's what the OP wants.

whatamockerywemake Mon 11-Jul-16 00:41:46

How about some kind of variation of

"Dear <family member>

I adore you.

I also adore DF and we are getting married next xxx. We would love you to be there. However, we'd also love yyy to be there too.

We would like to invite all of you, and invite you to set aside your differences for the day in order to support and celebrate us. We will do our best to accommodate you, and make the day as comfortable for you as it can be.
I want DF to walk me down the aisle, because this is what happens in perfect weddings, and I want my wedding to be perfect.

If you feel able to come and celebrate with us, we'll be thrilled and delighted and our best to make sure you have a great day.

If you feel like you can't come because of all the history/what is going on in the family at the moment, we'll understand; but please know that this makes us very sad

And, to be clear, if you aren't there on the day, that is because of your choice, which we respect.

But I hope you'll be able to put that on one side and celebrate this amazing occasion with us.

Give me a call and we'll talk over what will help you to be comfortable and enjoy the day and celebrate with us.

Much love, etc....."

And if you think this works for you (or some edited version) DEF send this as a hand-written personal thing, and not some post on FB.

YourNewspaperIsShit Mon 11-Jul-16 00:47:21

whatamockery that sounds fab thank you, I think it would work for aunts/uncle's etc but Dsis2 would read something even that reasonable and just because I entertained the idea tell me to fuck right off... In those words. She's already mentioned that she thinks I "wouldn't be brave enough" to invite DF sad Starting to think not having her influence would be for the best but that's very sad and I still love her at the end of the day. She just thinks that if she hates DF, we also have to hate him to.

I think DM and DF would both respond to that trying to do the right thing, and both saying "I'll stay away to keep the peace" but then im back to the start with DF missing the isle, maybe that's just something we'll both have to sacrifice so I'm not seen as chosing sides

junebirthdaygirl Mon 11-Jul-16 07:57:19

I would go for that letter above. You are putting the responsibility on them and it will be their choice. If you have enough people to dilute them like friends colleagues and dhs family it might be okay. Why should you be still suffering after at least twenty years. For goodness sake they need to let stuff go. I would have the big wedding and depend on their pride not to let them selves down in front of strangers. This has influenced your life long enough. Having a big wedding is making a statement that you are moving on from their bullshit. I hope you have one big mad wedding.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Mon 11-Jul-16 08:34:39

Is there a genuine reason for grievances on this scale? Otherwise, I can only respond by saying that this is not how reasonable people get on. How selfish.

Yes, you should be able to invite both sides to family events like a christening without a punch-up. Why couldn't you say, 'This is about x, not about you, can you show some support?'.

MyBeard Mon 11-Jul-16 08:43:08

Op my family is the same (but could possibly be civil in the same room) and we get married in February. I haven't said anything to anyone, we send the invites out next month and obviously they assume the other family is invited.

I was worrying constantly about it, but in the end I figured I need to do what we want to be happy, our day is about no one but us. If they don't love me enough to keep their mouth shut and ignore people they don't like for one day, then I don't really want them there anyway. Although I appreciate this is harder with your sister. flowers

BillSykesDog Mon 11-Jul-16 08:48:46

Can you ask DM to talk to DSis and make her wind her neck in?

Roussette Mon 11-Jul-16 09:05:06

If people can't put aside their grievances for a few hours, they are very very juvenile. I'd just not invite the punchers.

I just don't understand how people can be like this, we have divorce in our family but a spectator would think we were all best of friends at weddings. Everything is put aside for the sake of the happy couple.

WannaBe Mon 11-Jul-16 09:13:27

The reality is that you're not going to get the wedding you want, however reasonable your wishes are.

And in all honesty, if you having this wedding is going to resort in family members cutting contact with you, is it really worth it?

Personally, I wouldn't stand for the emotional blackmail of someone threatening to cut contact if you do/don't do as they would wish. I would cut them off first.

So if you want the wedding with the big dress etc, invite your df's family, and don't even tell your mum's side that it's happening.

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