Access

[user1466878918]

My daughter and partner split in Feb this year. My daughter has always worked so dad looked after dd. My daughters shifts are Sunday Monday and Tuesday 7.30am to 7.30pm, she works on a geriatric ward and these are her contracted hours. When my Gd was 10 months old dad got a job. To help out and keep child care cost down my dh and I agreed to look after gd two night per week Sunday and Monday this enabled both to work. When they split the same routine was used us having gd two nights per week with dad having her on Saturday overnight and Tuesday 4-8 (this was agreed as dad worked mon-fri). All worked well until beginning of April when dad decided he wanted a weekend off each month to have time to himself, my daughter didn't agree with this as she works Sunday's and has no other means of childcare, as I have said we already help out 2 nights per week. Because she didn't agree he wanted mediation to which my daughter sorted out, whilst waiting for mediation each time her ex didn't want to see his daughter he would say I'm not seeing her until we have been to mediation, leaving my daughter unable to go to work unless we took gd for the extra night (which we have done several times). They have now been to mediation and because he didn't get his own way is now threatening court. Again saying he isn't seeing his daughter until they have been. He uses this most of the time to not see her. He has said to my daughter he want it fair and equal. My daughter has agreed to this offering 3 options. First option 3 days one week for him and 4 for her visa versa the following week. Option 2. One week off one week on. Or option 3 continue with how things worked in the past with me and hubby continuing our two night. He says none of the options are fair and he wants alternate weekends and one day after work ( which by any stretch of the imagination is anything but fair). I would appreciate other people's views on this as we are a loss as to what to do. My daughter doesn't want to stop access, just the opposite, she feel contact with her dad on a weekly basis is very important, but she is getting to a point now where she feels justified in saying ok have it your way don't see her until court, but the only person suffering then would be her daughter. Any advice would be most appreciated. One last thing, today for example he was to collect his dd at 11am, at 10.30 he said he was on his way, at 10.40 her text to say it was raining so he wasn't coming, he eventually turned up at 3 pm. Thankfull his dd wasn't told daddy was coming to avoid disappointment.

[Mycatsabastard]

I think your DD should offer the access and then leave it to him to accept the offer. Make sure everything is kept in emails and that she keeps a record of all the contact he actually has.

Then tell her to get onto CMS as if he's not going to accept 50/50 care then he needs to pay for his child in his absence.

It's very sad that this offer has been made and he would rather just not have that time with his child. He'll regret it later but right now I feel for your DD and you who are having to pick up the slack from this man.

[MrsBertBibby]

Any father who would willingly orego seeing his child in this wy really shouldn't be given this kind of shared parenting because he clearly doesn't give a shit about the poor kid.

[MrsSpecter]

Hes a knob. He knows hes making it hard for her to work. My ex did/does the same. Unfortuantely you cant force an unwilling parent to take their child. She may be forced to sort out paid for childcare, although those hours could be hard to work around. Its a bastard. Hes royally shafting her and he'll get away with it.

[MrsSpecter]

I really do think it should be enforceable to claim 50% childcare costs encurred off parents who refuse to do their share of the childcare. It really limits what single parents can work if theyre being screwed around by the other parent wrt contact and/or childcare.

[MrsSpecter]

Incurred*

[RB68]

Make sure a record is kept of all the times he is late and messes around. If he is not having the child 50% and is being inconsiderate with access no show etc then it will all count against him if he goes to court - he needs to be reminded of this. They take a dim view of this kind of blackmail by non resident parents

[MrsSpecter]

Yes. Record EVERYTHING. Every text, email, phonecall (what was said, if not possible to record the call) every single time he turns up/doesnt turn up. what was said if he does come etc.

And advise your daughter not to get into arguments. Not to get emotional or personal. Keep everything to discussion about contact and remain calm and focussed on the point of any discussion. If he is looking to argue she can end any conversation instantly by hanging up/shutting the door/ not responding to text/email.

[user1466878918]

Thank you for the replies.
One thing we are unsure of and any advice would be great. Is it my dd responsibility to drop her daughter off and collect her or should her ex do this? For example this weekend he text at 10.30am to say he was on his way at 10.40 he text again saying it was raining and my dd would have to drop her off. When she refused he said my dd was stopping him seeing his daughter. My dd opinion is if her ex wants to see dd he can, she has never refuse him access and never would, her view is if he want to see dd it's his responsibility to collect her. He eventually turned up at 3pm. Any advice regarding this would be appreciated.

[MrsBertBibby]

In the absence of an order he can't complain about missing contact if he doesn't go and get it when it's on offer.

Sounds to me as if your daughter should just keep giving rope as fat as he'll take it.