To find my friend frustrating(16 Posts)
A friend of mine had a baby in the not too distant past, I want to make it clear I'm very happy for her, I love kids, her baby is adorable and I'm happy to socialise with her (and my other mum friends) and the baby. BUT she very rarely talks to me about anything other than the baby/husband issues, to the point that I wake up to a message about how baby slept, then what baby had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, how long baby sat up for this time. It's that or what husband didn't do, did wrong, forgot to mention, said in a way she doesn't like.
I really like my friend and I have tried to council her through husband and baby worries whenever she has them but I'm now finding it a bit too much. I do understand that having a baby is an exciting, life changing event but I'm just not interested in how many times she had to get up in the night or had to change a nappy. I find it difficult to cope with how many arguments and disagreements her and hubby have that I hear about and am expected to help with. I've told her I can't help and this should be dealt with between her and hubby at this point. It's getting to the point where I've started leaving my phone in my bag or the other room so I don't have to read the texts as its affecting my own relationship now having the contrast an pressure of someone else's relationship out on me. I feel like I'm being unsupportive doing this but I have no idea how to deal with this. How can I tell her that I love her and I want to help and support here but there needs to be some breathing room?
She's probably not looking to you to counsel her through her life, rather using you as a sounding/ranting board. Just skim read it and give her very shallow responses "ahh sweet" "great!" "Ooooh noooo!" "Gah annoying!!" As necessary. Lots of emojis. And exclamation marks.
That sounds like a massive ball ache. Maybe just slowly stop replying?
I've tried backing off and I've tried telling her straight out that I can't deal with how many messages she sends me complaining. It's been over a year of daily messages into double digits a day whether I reply or not. I understand people need a rant but it's too much and it doesn't always work the other way if I've had something I need a rant about.
I do want to retain a friendship but I'm starting to think I can't.
For over a year I would text a mate, my mum and my sister all of this stuff.
I'm amazed they all still like me.
I was so exhausted, overwhelmed and and feeling alone I just barraged those closest to me.
I feel now. Actually my mate said the other weekend 'you went completely mental after having your dd'. I had to agree, and point out she did too but in a different way. She had to agree.
Your mate is probably exhausted, frustrated, terrified, overwhelmed and lonely. In time these texts will stop, and your mate will be back.
In the meantime follow icy's suggestions
Thank you IJustLostTheGame, part of the frustration is seeing how unhappy she appears to be and from an outsider view seeing how she can cut herself a break and then watching her do the opposite. It's exhausting for me and I can imagine how much more so for her!
I'm going to try be a bit less invested in it myself and as you and icy suggest go for a more generic response and hope it helps.
When I first had my baby I felt so so alone because I had no one to talk to about any of this. If I had a good decent friend I would have loved to chat about my baby. Please don't dismiss her, I know it's frustrating but you're probably the only person she has to talk to. I would have loved a friend like you, someone who I felt like I could share this stuff with
Hopefully this is balanced by her asking about how you are doing or what you are up to, if not its becoming an incredibly one sided relationship... I've had this in the past (not to your extent) and I guess that your friend maybe somewhat overwhelmed with her new lifestyle. I'm 34 weeks preggers and I really hope i don't turn into your friend, but I am also sh*t scared and already mourn my previous post preggers life!!! I love seeing and hearing what friends are up to and I will (hopefully) be mindful that they won't want to hear about boobs and poo all the time!!!
Why not actually sit down with your friend and ask how she is 'actually' doing and gently reiterate that it would be lovely to discuss other non-baby things (do you both watch the same TV programme??). I dunno, its such a hard one... good luck x
It's a tough one - I was a complete loon who withered endlessly when dd was under hmmm 2ish, my dh travelled a lot and we didn't have any babysitters or help. Any chance you can offer to babysit so she and her dh can get out a bit? I'm not sure you necessarily want to do more as it sounds exhausting but at this point you could be honest and say, it just sounds as though you and dh need to spend a bit more time doing fun non parenting things and also you and your friend should go out and do something non baby related - do you share any hobbies?
User my friend is the same. Shes negative and its draining. I am getting a bit fed up of it too
What saucy said. Sounds like your friend needs mumsnet boards - point her in the right direction.
Re: texts just reply once a day as icy says. Once her baby is a bit older then try and rekindle your friendship on more equal terms.
We do share a lot of interest etc which is why we became friends in the first place but understandably it's not easy for her to keep up with these atm. I don't want to come across as completely heartless I do care about how baby is and that both her and dh are happy with their relationship. It does get draining and I suppose I'm just looking for a way of keeping a healthy balance between being helpful and supportive whilst also saying I need a bit of time without my phone buzzing to spend with my partner. I know it frustrates him if we're having couple time watching a film or something and I end up texting .
It may be that there is so little else going on in her life that all she has to tell you about is her baby/ dh. I say this as the mother of a 9 month old, it's sometimes quite tough when you spend all day with a baby/at baby groups/ with other mummy friends to remember that there is a life outside of your baby bubble. Is there a way you could help her get back into things that you used to enjoy doing together?
Having a baby and leaving the world of work is a double whammy that's absolutely blindsided me. Never in a million years did I think my brain would "break" in the way it has and I swore I'd never be a "baby witterer" to friends.
I got called out on it by my best friend (who was kind of in the right) but it was so soon after the birth I was inadvertently trying to keep the lines of communication open I didn't realise I was drivelling shit of no interest to her.
I'm out the other side now by the pain her pretty harsh call out gave me remains. It's been 10 weeks now.
If at all possible ride it out but I'd suggest that if you can't be as sweet and gentle as possible. She probably feels like her whole world has changed beyond recognition and will see you as a constant; a connection to the "old her".
TL:DR - if you just say something, just be super super gentle and kind x
She is back at work now and we catch up at lunchtimes when we can for a coffee. At the moment I think she's quite happy to spend her spare time with baby which is fine. I appreciate all of your comments!
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