My hormones are screaming at me.

[soapydopeybubbles]

DH and I have one DS (2) but over the past few weeks all I can think about is having another baby.

DH doesn't want another baby yet (which is absolutely fine) and there are so many reasons why having a baby now would be a bad idea (new job, no savings, medication I can't take during pregnancy etc) but my hormones are screaming at me.

DS was a completely unexpected pregnancy and, despite us both very much wanting children, my existing MH issues spiralled out of control. Throughout the pregnancy I was on the maximum dose of medication considered 'safe' but on most days I still couldn't even get out of bed. I told very few people that I was pregnant, struggled to make any preparations and from almost the day I found out I counted down the days until I wouldn't be pregnant anymore.

I also had severe morning sickness, SPD, gestational diabetes and went into premature about at 26 weeks (DS eventually arrived at 37 weeks).

But despite all this; remembering how terrified and miserable I was and how hard it was to make it through each day I just can't stop thinking about having another tiny person to love.

I want a sibling for DS and a chance to do things 'right.' I want a pregnancy that I'm excited about; being able to happily tell people I'm pregnant, carefully chosing baby clothes and being proud of my bump instead of terrified of it.

DH is very patient and understanding but he remembers what it was like to have to go to work and not know if I'd still be here by the time he came home. I know my wanting another baby is self-centred; that DH has already been through so much and that I need to be the best parent I can be for DS instead of gambling with my physical and mental health.

But I just can't get the image of a tiny newborn out of my head.