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AIBU?

lonely

20 replies

Avpixie27 · 30/05/2016 23:29

So i never had a great deal of friends but since getting pregnant and my sons first year all my friends i had are gone. Ive reached out, ive tried with partners family. I found out via facebook my once best friend has gone on a europe trip which i had always talked about doing when we both saved enough and she took someone else. My partner suggests i make more friends but its not like in school where you have people around constantly, theres no one here and i dont expect bffs it would just be nice to have an adult to talk to

OP posts:

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EatShitDerek · 30/05/2016 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 30/05/2016 23:36

Regular attendance at a toddler group or children's centre stay and play type thing will help. You won't make friends immediately but eventually will start seeing the same faces again and again.
Also I found the most useful groups were the ones you had to sign up to almost like a course - like baby massage bcos it's a smaller group and same ppl same time regularly.
Good luck

Chorister · 30/05/2016 23:41

I was saved in a very similar situation by finding a great mothers and toddlers group.

I found a couple of horrible ones first mind you, but once I found the right one I met people who were at the same point of their life as I was and I made friends that are now some of the best friends I have ever had. My old school pals I was always close to and they loved (and still love) their roles as Aunties to my children, but I needed friends who understood my circumstances.

Try a toddler group, or 3.

Avpixie27 · 30/05/2016 23:56

It helps knowing other people have been through the same, its just been such a hard time right now and knowing the only person i can talk to is my son is really hard. I love him to bits but feel like i need someone who comes over and gossips or goes shopping would help me leave my little fort ive closed up in

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Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 31/05/2016 10:00

You're not alone. A lot of us have been there, it's a huge overhaul when you become a first time parent. Seriously try the children's centres. The staff are also good at supporting you if you are low. It sounds a little like you are, so definitely worth reaching out and getting help earlier rather than later.

TheCladdagh · 31/05/2016 10:06

Having a small child and having to extend my maternity leave when living in a new place was easily the most isolated and grim time of my entire life - and I'm naturally solitary and self-sufficient. Your partner is right, though, however unhelpful you find the advice. Things won't change until you change them. Presumably your friend had saved enough and knew you wouldn't be able to take the trip now or in the near future, and that's OK, even if it stings a bit now. She's moved on, and you need to too.

myownprivateidaho · 31/05/2016 10:37

I agree with other responses about making friends slowly in other circles. But why not reach out to your best friend too? She probably thought you wouldn't be up for the trip now you've started a family. And honestly- would you have been up for it? I don't see why you would cut her out over this tbh, at worst it's a misunderstanding. If you're still keen for the trip maybe suggest doing a different version of it next year or something?

hangingoutattheendofmywick · 31/05/2016 10:40

I was where you are. When I got pregnant my friends completely abandoned me and my best friend never spoke to me again. I was in a new city and knew no one - my self esteem was at an all time low.... It took me a long long time to get the courage to go to a toddler group. When you feel so down its hard and it seems terrifying to go out as a mum and try to meet friends. Then one day I was in the park and my son started playing with a little girl - I remarked something to her mum and now we are best mates (years on) she also introduced me to a big group of mums who are lovely.
I think it's a bit like love - it'll happen when you're least expecting it. Try not to look for friends. Just try getting out more and stop feeling bad about your old friends - accept that you have a new life now that will soon be full of new mates.
If you get any time off in the evenings go to a gym class. Also recommend park run on a Saturday for raising SE and meeting folks. I made a good friend via netmums too. There's a meet a mum thing on there. Also toddler or baby groups if you're up to it - force yourself to get out there. It also pays to be a bit forward. I used to have one conversation with a mum and suggest they could add me as a friend on FB (I have unusual name so I knew they could find me) which is a bit forward but maybe they're just as lovely as you! Good luck OP it gets better xxx

hangingoutattheendofmywick · 31/05/2016 10:42

Lonely not lovely

Avpixie27 · 31/05/2016 10:54

I havent cut out my friend because she has gone on a trip we planned. It just hurts that the last friend i had has gone without even telling me. She was talking to me about tv shows 2 days before i saw the facebook post. I dont hate people i just feel like they hate me for not being able to just drop everything and go out all the time

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TheCladdagh · 31/05/2016 11:14

Presumably she felt awkward and/or sad that she was taking a trip you'd planned together without you, and took the slightly cowardly way out of not mentioning it, possibly in the genuine belief that you'd rather not talk about it? Are you saying you would have gone with her, and had the cash and someone to look after your baby? Or were you expecting her to wait, possibly for a number of years, for you to be able to go?

i just feel like they hate me for not being able to just drop everything and go out all the time

What are you basing this feeling on?

Avpixie27 · 31/05/2016 11:29

No id have been happy that she could go, yea it sucks that i cant without alot of planning but id have loved to see her travel photos and her tell me random stories. Rather than find out via facebook. I would love to experience the world but i wouldnt just drop my son for anything.

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PPie10 · 31/05/2016 12:29

I think yab a little u. You are in a different stage of your life. If you are happy that your friend Went on holiday then why do you feel upset, unless you felt she needed to ok it with you. Would you have gone without your son anyway? It's bad if people don't have time for you anymore but you also have different priorities now which might not fit in with others.

Avpixie27 · 31/05/2016 12:47

Im upset that she didnt tell me. Im upset that i dont have anyone to turn to. Im not jealous, im not choosing friends over my son. I would do anything for my son i just feel lonely. Some people have been kind on this thread and shared that they feel the same. Others seem to like to point out that she went and i didnt and that i couldnt if i wanted to.

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myownprivateidaho · 31/05/2016 15:41

I think it sounds like you're very down and are letting things get on top of you. It is very natural to feel lonely though I think that the suggestions others have made will be excellent steps to help you meet new people. But I would say that I wouldn't turn aside from your mate either. I can definitely understand why you would feel hurt about her not mentioning the trip after you'd been chatting about other stuff. However since she's a longstanding friend I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she declined to tell you because she sensed you were feeling down and felt like this might upset you, or else just felt awkward about it. Yes it could have been handled a lot better, but I don't think it means she doesn't want to be friends or has betrayed you or anything. Maybe just message her and ask her how the trip was?

Avpixie27 · 31/05/2016 17:07

Im not offended by my mate the only reason i put her in this was to show how out of the loop i am with people now i have a child. Im not cutting her out or miffed off. Im just upset that i dont have friends

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myownprivateidaho · 31/05/2016 17:14

But it sounds like you have a friend in her? That's not nothing. If you want her to value the friendship you must too. That's not a criticism, just a reminder. You sound very depressed, I'd actually recommended a trip to the gp.

Helloooomeee · 31/05/2016 17:34

I know how you're feeling. Ds 2 is 6 months old and since I've been off work I feel lonely. I have acquaintances, I get out and I see people but I don't have that closeness with anyone. I have dp but I think I can be a bit much for him at times and I feel like I need others in my life.

I have also experienced being out of the loop and I found that painful as it is a reminder of how far my life has moved in a different direction.

FeelingSuddenlyRich · 31/05/2016 17:35

like eatshit I had my eldest young as well and literally got dropped like a hot brick by everyone as if I was somehow uncool for being a mum, I think they were worried my pregnancy was catching. it was shit. most of them didn't even bother to come and see the baby when he was born

they are all starting to have kids now 10+ years on while I am so glad I did it young

I met new friends through baby groups, I had to force myself. then through my dc school...its not a quick process though I will be honest with you. (and actually I am struggling with friendships at the moment but that's another story)

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 31/05/2016 19:37

OP - don't worry about the posts re. your friend right now. It's very hard to judge your situation from the outside. Maybe you are being over sensitive or maybe she is dropping you who knows. The point is you have to make you feel better. Sorry to say it but no one else can do it for you.

As an aside - one of my good friends became totally distant and I had nothing in common with her after I had my DD. I let it go but without any hard feelings - I also felt she just didn't understand my stage of life. 6 months later I was in a better happier place and I think she may have been too as we started on a path back to being friends and now have a much more solid friendship that we ever did before. People do change, but sometimes not forever or sometimes for the better.

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