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AIBU?

to say I don't want to get married?

13 replies

starrystarrystars · 30/05/2016 10:54

Hi all I'm new to mums net so not quite up to speed with the abbreviated text yet..
I've been with my partner for 4 years and all is happy we have 1 child together and have started to talk about a 2nd and own a house together so we are committed to each other in that sense.
The subject of marriage often comes up, he wants to get married and has said for most of our relationship he is ready to... I don't want to. I always assumed I'd get married one day but I was never to bothered.
About a year into our relationship I found out he had been engaged to his ex (something I found odd he had never told me, I found out by accident on Facebook) they had a big party celebration with all their friends and family, he still has the ring and I saw texts he sent her sister saying all he wanted was his fiancé back.
I hate the thought of being his second fiancé, knowing he has done it all before and all his family and friends have celebrated a previous engagement with him. He tells me I am begin unfair and punishing him for something he can't not change. AIBU to not want to get engaged/married because of this?

Thanks and sorry for the long post!

OP posts:

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VioletBam · 30/05/2016 14:15

Of course you are being unreasonable. It's actually a ridiculous reason to give.

If you feel that strongly about it, don't get engaged. Just get married.

He's not done that before.

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Pinkheart5915 · 30/05/2016 14:17

You are being unreasonable as your reason is he was engaged before.

He can not change the fact he was engaged before. Every body has a past.

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VestalVirgin · 30/05/2016 14:21

Make a rational decision.

Are you a housewife/stay at home mother, or consider becoming one at any point in time, perhaps with the second child?

How will your financial situation be after a divorce vs. a simple separation?
What are the facts, if you take away all your belief in your partner's eternal love, loyalty, honesty, etc. and just think of what you have legally guaranteed?

If it improves your financial security, get married. If it does not, don't. Simple as that.

His previous engagement shouldn't be such a big deal. Your safety should be.

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Diamogs · 30/05/2016 14:24

Sensible advice from VestalVirgin.

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iLikeBoringThings · 30/05/2016 14:28

YABU not to want to get married solely because he has been engaged in the past.

But YANBU to not want to get married if it is not what you want.

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TheCladdagh · 30/05/2016 14:35

Vestal's advice is sensible in terms of marriage's legal safeguards, particularly if having another child is likely to have an impact on your career and earning power.

I have total sympathy with any woman who instinctively dislikes marriage as an institution, or finds it too fraught with historical baggage - I never wanted to marry my beloved partner at all, though he was always keen, though some unignorable practical reasons meant we did marry in the end. However, the fact that he's done this before isn't a good reason not to want to - everyone over the age of about 16 comes with baggage. Also, you don't have to have some big family celebration and rings, just because that's how he did it last time, especially if you're not keen on the idea of a fuss. Just go down to the local registry office with a couple of witnesses, which is what we did.

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CathemeralChild · 30/05/2016 14:36

That is the daftest reason I've ever heard for not getting married!
Totally agree with VioletBam and VestalVirgin. Don't get engaged, and marriage puts you in a far more secure financial position legally.

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Welshmaenad · 30/05/2016 14:42

I actually kind of understand where you're coming from.

When my ExH proposed I knew he'd been engaged before (they split due to her infidelity) and wasn't bothered, but shortly after I was sorting the loft and found an engagement card sent by his parents for him and his ex and it felt a bit like a punch in the guts, like this wasn't special for him like it was for me, he'd done it before.

However, like you we had a child and a home together, and this was a very very different relationship to his past engagement. We were securing our status as a family. He was no longer with her, he was with me, and I chose to focus on all those positives again.

Do it differently. Don't make a big fuss of the engagement, don't have a party (I don't really get them anyway). Make this about the two of you. And do not for gods sake pass up the legal and financial security of marriage because of jealousy or insecurity.

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IAmNotAMindReader · 30/05/2016 15:02

Well you really grasped the nettle didn't you. New and straight into the lions den.
YABU to not want to get married for the reason you stated and it is punishing your partner for something he can't change now. He has a past, so do you. You both suddenly didn't just spring into existence the day you met.
YANBU to get married if you just don't like marriage.

If you want the marriage just book the wedding and celebrate that and get a matching engagement, wedding ring but don't exchange till the wedding day if you want to make it different.

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barbet · 30/05/2016 15:09

Odd that he didn't tell you. If it wasn't for that would you want to get married? Because that jealousy is something you can overcome. Overcoming trust issues with your partner in general is harder.

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Topseyt · 30/05/2016 15:28

Is there more to this?

Him having been engaged in the past should not be a reason not to want to marry him, if you actually do want to marry him. He can no more change his past than you can change yours. Whats done is done and all of that. Therefore, you are being unreasonable to use that as the sole reason not to marry, if you would otherwise want to marry.

Providing there are no other extenuating circumstances or reasons you have to doubt him, then consider how it will legally strengthen and shore up your current financial and family situation, as well as marking your commitment to each other and your children.

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TheCladdagh · 30/05/2016 17:57

Yes, from reading Mn, I'm now inclined to think of engagement in 2016 as a largely anachronistic holding pen which is frequently entered into after cohabiting and having several children together without any immediate intent to marry. Just skip the engagement, OP. Go and book the 'notice of marriage' appointment at the local registry office.

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starrystarrystars · 30/05/2016 19:32

Thank you all for your comments and advice.
Skipping an engagement isn't a bad idea and something to be considered, although I don't feel the need to marry for financial reasons as I don't see this will change anything we haven't already covered in a will etc.
Thank you welshmeanad glad you can relate to the feeling and I'm not totally unreasonable