AIBU about crying?

[Ogilvyshoney]

NC for this as my dsis might recognise me otherwise!

In a nutshell, I have 2 dns the eldest aged 11. She is a bit of a pfb to all of us (we are a close knit family) as she was the first baby to be born. But lately am wondering whether this is something that needs to be addressed...

Dn aged 11 has always been sensitive. She loves performing whether it's singing or dancing and isn't shy about coming forward. But she gets upset very easily and starts crying as soon as she feels any kind of hurt feelings.

DSis has been trying to teach dn to count to ten before crying in the hope that it helps her calm down before these feelings take over. But it doesn't seem to be working.

I'm quite prepared to be told I am BU but much as I love her, I can't help worrying that she's going to grow up to be a drama lama.

Out to the MN jury

[jonsnowssocks]

Depends if she is doing it for effect or not...

I cry very easily as well, if someone has snapped at me or if I feel I may have done something to offend or upset someone else. It's not like I'll burst into tears on the spot, but I do often store it up for later! I also get teary if I'm angry which is really annoying as I don't understand why.

I found out very recently that a certain percentage of the population are, for want of a better word, wired differently, and can be known as Highly Sensitive People (I've not read this article but it looks decent enough - www.drjudithorloff.com/Press-Room/Psychology_Today_A_Guide_to_the_Highly_Sensitive_Person.htm)
who are much more given to feeling high emotion. It might be crap, as I can't put myself in the brain of a "less emotional" person to tell you how others process things compared to me, but it seems quite reasonable from my perspective.

Anyway, so it may be that your DN is genuinely feeling these emotions. It may be, and I suspect this is the case as you refer specifically to her acting, you think she is enjoying the attention. How do you plan on dealing with it, if the counting to 10 isn't working?

[Ogilvyshoney]

jon I've heard of the highly sensitive person and am interested to find out more about it as I suspect there is something of that in dn. I do believe her feelings are genuine. But that it's the discrepancy between private and public displays of emotion is what she's struggling with.
I suppose one of the reasons I'm a bit concerned is because dsis seems to encourage both girls to be free with their feelings which is wonderful on one hand but could potentially be annoying for others as they grow up. I know for example that even my dsis's mil gets worn out by the children's emotional extroversion.
But as they're not my children so I don't know how involved I can get before being told to butt out.

[Ogilvyshoney]

Argghh horrible amount of typos in that post! But hopefully you get the gist...!

[BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn]

I think that people generally are who they are and don't have a personality transplant as they get older. They may mature and lose some childlike qualities but won't change basic things about them.

My sister was a very 'I want to be centre of attention, showing off all the time, me me me' as a child. As an adult she is self absorbed and selfish and never thinks of anyone else. You will only hear from her when she wants something. I think it does come from how she was as a child and it was always there. And no not all children are like this.

Children who cry at every little thing drive me up the wall. I certainly wouldn't encourage it as an expression of their feelings! DD can be quite emotional and there are times when crying about it is just not needed! I do tell her that there is no need to cry and she can talk to me when she has stopped. Obviously if she's upset about something genuinely upsetting that is different but when she cries because her brother looked at her or something ridiculous I won't pander.

[clearsommespace]

I think I know you mean. I get worn out by DDs emotions and often tell her to tone it down a bit. I also feel worn out when she is expressing excitement and joy. I tell her that it's okay/good to have those feelings but that she needs to also think about the way she is expressing them and how it might affect others.
I've never confessed this before but I sometime feel worn out by all the declarations of love. I don't let on about that to her though!

But if your DN's mother encourages her to be expressive, it's delicate for you to do anything about it.

I use to cry really easily but I tried to hide it. It's not easy to put a stop to that. I think having my own children helped because I didn't want them to see I was upset.

[LittleCandle]

I am a highly sensitive person and believe me, there is nothing worse than the uncontrollable emotions. I hate that two people arguing, even if I am not involved, can make me cry. I hate that getting angry and shouting makes me cry. I hate even more that I cannot control those tears, no matter where I am. Your DN might be the same. There are other things that are related to being a HSP, too and it might well worth looking at them as well. If she has these symptoms, too, then she can't help herself.

[Janecc]

I'm a highly sensitive person. I read in Psychology magazine that I feel my emotions 10 times more strongly than you, the average person. That makes me unique and nothing more.

I am not manipulative, I don't want to cry. I can get embarrassed about my crying. I cannot stop myself crying. No amount of counselling will ever change this. I am who I am. I cry when I'm angry, I cry when I'm sad. I sometimes cry when others are crying. I just "leak". I'm not asking for comfort or anyone's permission.

BeYourself if your DD is a hsp, what you said in your last paragraph is very cruel. Feelings are feelings. My mother went further, from the age of 7/8, when I was feeling vulnerable or being told off, she would stand over me repeatedly saying in a nasty voice "Cry, go on cry" as I struggled to hold back the tears.

I am not advocating crying at every single thing. My upbringing was emotionally abusive. However, now, even after years of counselling and loving and believing myself, I still cry a lot. It's the way I was born and I am proud of who I am.

[Ogilvyshoney]

I understand that crying isn't necessarily controllable. But surely there's a massive difference between crying in private (or hiding it in public) and just letting it all out which is what dn does. Granted she's still only 11 - but what if that continues into adulthood...
maybe it's just my problem but I get quite irritated when people start crying because someone or something has upset them especially in a professional setting. Though not so much socially. I've been known to have a good cry with friends on occasion

[Janecc]

In a professional setting, I went off to the loos a few times and have in the past cried in front of my line manager - female and she was ok about it. Yes, it's a worry but not all of us are made for the corporate world. I'm much better working for myself. I'm a lot better working with people when I am in charge of my work. I cannot just stop myself from crying. Sometimes, I wish it were different. But I wouldn't be such an understanding person and so good with others if I were.

If your Dn is getting the message - it's ok I'm here to help you through this and we're a team from her mother, that's fine. If she's getting carte Blanche to blubber at the smallest thing and not being taught to manage her emotions then that's not.

[Janecc]

Shes 11 she's probably hormonal. This is a difficult age. One minute girls her age are 4 yrs old, the next they're 21. That's the teen years.

[Ogilvyshoney]

You sound lovely jane.
Secretly I think dn is possibly being a bit indulged by her dm but I think I'll keep quiet for the time being and as you say, hormones etc.

[Janecc]

Thank you. Perhaps you could tell my mother that . She's only 11 and won't be getting a job anytime soon - if she likes performing, she's possibly not going to like the corporate world anyway. I really wouldn't worry about it just yet - it is nice to know you're concerned. .