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Should I find out who said this or let it go?

(34 Posts)
Whoopsiedaisy1 Tue 17-May-16 20:31:29

I'm 6 weeks in to a new job, office based, the office is pretty quiet but everyone seems very nice. Today, I had my 6 week review and it was all very positive apart from one thing..... I work in a team of seven people, our roles are very different and we work pretty much independently from each other. My 6 colleagues all have their desks together but my desk is away from everyone else. Every now and again they'll chit chat for a couple of mins but because I don't sit with them it's awkward to join in. Over the last week I thought I should make a bit more an effort to join in so I've started a few conversations i.e. how was your weekend? Someone is getting married so I asked her how her wedding plans are going etc.... Today in my review I was told the only criticism is someone in the team has commented that I'm too chatty!!! I'm so shocked, I'm not included in most of the conversations and I've made an effort to try and become part of the team and get to know them.

How would you handle this? Would you try and find out who said it or just let it go? I feel really paranoid now as I thought I was getting on well with everyone but clearly someone finds me irritating even though most days I don't speak at all.

IonaNE Tue 17-May-16 20:42:02

I also work in an office. I'd let it go (and initiate fewer conversations).

hollie11 Tue 17-May-16 20:43:54

Always 1 idiot in the extra chatty from now on.......That's what I would do!

mynamesnotMa Tue 17-May-16 20:45:42

Ha ha that sounds suspiciously like a let's think of something for the developmental feedback box. Just smile and carry on as normal.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Tue 17-May-16 20:48:24

I don't see how you can find out unless you go and actually ask them outright who said it.

I'd be less chatty tbh. Someone doesn't sound that pleasant if they've said that when you are just trying to be friendly, and you won't know who it is.

susanketty Tue 17-May-16 21:04:20

Oh God, you can't win. It's probably not worth the effort finding out who said what and they have showed their true colours now. I would probably just not bother starting any more conversations and answering very briefly if they try and start any with you. If being 'too chatty' is going to be used against you then just keep quiet, and don't bother engaging.

Whoopsiedaisy1 Wed 18-May-16 06:23:29

Thanks everyone. I received a copy of the minutes from my 6 week probation review last night and it actually states that a team member feels I am too chatty and often distract the team. I'm so upset over it and annoyed I'm so upset but I can't believe how petty this is when all I've done is make an effort to be friendly and integrate myself in to the team. They all sit together and often chit chat and yet I'm a distraction for trying to join in!

PPie10 Wed 18-May-16 06:28:18

Yanbu to feel upset but I wouldn't go finding out who said it. It's a review and confidential so you can't walk around asking who said that, also what would you gain by doing so? If someone finds you distracting then this would only make them dislike you more. I would leave it to be honest.

Janecc Wed 18-May-16 06:37:51

Did you explain the situation to your reviewer? I would be tempted to drop them a quick, brief mail expressing your surprise as you were just attempting to gel with the team and join in with their early morning conversation. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it though. This is just to have something on file - for future reference. It sounds to me like someone is jealous and throwing their toys out of the pram tbh. I wouldn't try to be extra chatty - just breeze in, say hi, be casual and super cool, get on with your work. You can't force things.

Whoopsiedaisy1 Wed 18-May-16 06:39:34

Good point PPie. I can't stand this kind of behaviour and would've preferred it if the person had spoken to me directly. I've managed teams it can be done in a nice way rather than a criticism e.g.: You've really fitted in to the team well and you're a great addition, however your friendly nature has a tendency to be a little chatty at times which is great during quiet times but everyone is really busy at the moment so might be best to chat over lunch.

Whoopsiedaisy1 Wed 18-May-16 06:42:15

Thanks Janecc that's exactly what I've decided to do. I want my feedback on file as I don't think it's unfair.

Whoopsiedaisy1 Wed 18-May-16 06:43:19

I meant don't think its fair smile

MardAsSnails Wed 18-May-16 06:48:42

Id be happy that it was the only negative thing - I've found on our internal review forms the system physically won't let you submit unless you fill in a negative, perhaps it's something that that, that HR expect to see one less-than-positive thing?

Kwirrell Wed 18-May-16 06:54:54

It seems to me that someone in the group is jealous. They have a cosy little group and possibly one of them has made positive comments about how nice you are or that you seem friendly. Another member may have used this in a spiteful way if they feel threatened.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 18-May-16 07:03:48

If you'd not been chatty others would probably have said your too quiet / perhaps even unapproachable. You're doing find. Working in an office you'll never please everyone.

MrsJoeyMaynard Wed 18-May-16 07:14:42

YANBU to find it annoying, especially if there's been no previous indication from your colleagues that your attempts to be friendly are distracting.
But short of asking all your colleagues about it, there's no way you can find out who said it, so I'd just leave it. And be more careful about starting conversations.

AnotherBloodyChinHair Wed 18-May-16 07:21:32

6 weeks is nothing.

Don't be too overly worried about whether you're included in chit chat, just be friendly, smiley, professional and approachable.

Somehow you have not pitched your trying to be friendly correctly so just take it on the chin, let it go, be professional, do your work and let things settle naturally because they will, one way or another.

Take the opposite attitude to hollie11 and play the long game.

shovetheholly Wed 18-May-16 07:35:37

Why are the desks laid out that way? It's pretty much guaranteed to make someone feel left out and isolated!!

If there is room for a better spatial configuration, I would raise it with your boss. Point out that your desk is a long way away, and that you're struggling to feel part of the team as a newbie. Say that you've been trying to initiate conversations to fit in, and you're devastated that it's been misinterpreted as chattiness - that the last thing you want is to be a distraction etc. And ask if another desk can be fitted into the main part of the room?

littledrummergirl Wed 18-May-16 07:40:03

Ask If you can swap desks with the person who is easily distracted by chat. Then they can sit alone and not be distracted and you can get along with everyone else who are being friendly. grin

Ditsy4 Wed 18-May-16 07:45:36

I think it is someone who isn't keen for you to join in. I would also keep quiet but that is because I am passive. I would say good morning then leave it till break time, lunch time and just join in when spoken too. You could take in some yummy biscuits or cake one day unless they are all on diets!
There are some who actually told me not to join in their conversations! So I don't speak to them at all now. One of them used to be my friend for years but a newer one took a dislike to me when she arrived and has others on board now. I was quite upset at first but now I just take something to do at break time. I can sit there for 15 minutes and not one of them will speak to me. It makes it quite difficult in the staff room.

brodchengretchen Wed 18-May-16 08:11:05

They chat amongst themselves but someone (who is insecure and jealous) criticises you for joining in? Call them on it, it's cowardly to hide behind anonymity and you should all be working as a team so it's appropriate for you to bring this aspect of your performance review up with the group.

Don't be passive, make the group accountable for this person in their group and open up the debate about how much chat is acceptable in the workplace generally. Good luck in your new job.

StarTravels Wed 18-May-16 08:13:00

I was new out of university and had my first review in a job that took me absolutely ages to get and I had loads of positive feedback except one comment, reportedly from a single individual saying they felt I had an "attitude problem". I was told the name of the person who said it and I was so upset I actually burst into tears. The job mattered so much to me and I really don't have an attitude problem. I couldn't believe they were using one person's comment in my review because after all it was just one person who thought this. They themselves said they didn't agree. Knowing who said it didn't help. It just made it awkward around that person and I became nervous about what I said around them. Trying extra hard to be helpful. It turned out this person was quite sexist and was quite free and easy with a lot of opinions which quite frankly were ungrounded. He got sacked in the end following a sexual harassment complaint. Anyway, I digress. My point is, I don't think you need to know who said this.

I do think managers should not include feedback if it's from just one person as its just one person's opinion.

I stayed in this job for many years and look back fondly on it. I was quite senior there when I finally left.

Ignore it OP. I know it's hard but they shouldn't have used one person's opinion in your review. You know it's not true. Continue as you are and don't let it ruin the new job for you. It sounds like the management could do with some training on how to conduct reviews.

1frenchfoodie Wed 18-May-16 08:20:12

Tbh if only one of 6 members said this your line manager is unlikley to have taken very seriously, in fact I'm a little surprised it was included. Sounds like you were deliberately initiating conversations so as not to seem aloof and now can go back to your previous behaviour and just join when topics interest you.

I once got feedback that facing away from my office door (which I kept open unless in private staff meetings) made me seem unavailable. Hadn't realised rearranging office furniture was key to a successful review.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Wed 18-May-16 08:31:20

Confronting them is just going to make them dislike you more - perhaps you misread them, sometimes it's difficult to be friendly without being full on. I used to work with someone who has to involve themselves in other people's conversations and it's incredibly annoying. Not saying you do that but it can be easy to do it inadvertently.

Like a PP said, be friendly and approachable but other than that, don't get involved.

TattyCat Wed 18-May-16 08:42:39

Quite honestly there are too many workplaces that mirror the playground these days. Managers and Team Leaders often don't have the first clue how to actually manage and as a result, you get a review (school, anyone?) developed by someone with an 'opinion' on something really inconsequential and petty.

Anyone can be promoted to manage a team just because their face fits but it doesn't mean that they are competent. A good manager would never include feedback such as that because they would recognise that you were still discovering the dynamics and making an effort. It may be mentioned in passing but should never go on record at this early stage.

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