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To think DH should not teach our daughter that she can come to him if shes not happy with my parenting.

(47 Posts)
SaveSomeSpendSome Tue 17-May-16 13:02:15

DD is 3.7 years old. We just have the one child.

DD has got into a habit of telling dh tales on me when she thinks im in the wrong and he will come and bollock me in front of dd.

Simple things like if dd is not doing as she is told and i send her to the naughty step and she then refuses to go i will take her there myself. In order to do this i need to take her by the hand or arm and lead her there.

She will scream etc that i have hurt her even when i have barely touched her. After coming off the naughty step she will go straight to dh and tell him i hurt her arm.

Dh comes to me in front of dd and wants an explanation of the situation. If he feels im wrong he will tell me this infront of dd.

I do not like this as i feel dd is starting to understand that daddy will tell mummy off if i go to him.

I ve asked dh not to do this but he says he cant ignore and not act on something she tells him.

Another incident today is that i was trying to get dds attention and she wasnt responding to me as she was engrossed in something so i tapped her on the arm as you would to get someones attention and she then went straight to dh telling him i had pinched her.

I ve asked dh to back me up when she goes to him but he says he cant do that.

I feel that dd thinks im on the same level as her like her pre school friends.

It is worth mentioning that dh was badly physically and emotionally abused by his father (he has now no contact) who always told him to not tell tales on him etc. So he feels that he has to listen and act on things dd tells him as he knows what its like to not be able to tell people if your parent does something to you that you dont like.

Aibu to think dh should back me up in front of dd but then speak to me afterwards if hes not happy with the situation?

OurBlanche Tue 17-May-16 13:09:49

I have never said this before but I have never read a thread that needed this as a response:

Your DH needs to speak to a counsellor - NOW.

He needs to see that he is setting up your DD, and the two of you, for an intense and fairly horrendous time in the future. He is, from what you say, overcompensating for his own past experiences. But I don't think that you are the right person to help him see it.

HV, GP anyone who he will talk to... they could refer or tell you who would be good to go to. But your DD needs this to stop, as do the 2 of you.

Good luck xx

holidaysarenice Tue 17-May-16 13:12:32

You are not your husbands dad and you need to frame it that way to him.

Very clearly - do you think I would abuse our child? Because that's what he is insinuating by using his dad as his justification. It stops now.

SaveSomeSpendSome Tue 17-May-16 13:13:01

Thanks for the response.

We ve never really looked at the counselling route before. I know his brother had counselling years ago as he suffered the same treatment and has been no contact with his dad for 15 years.

SouperSal Tue 17-May-16 13:14:00

I'd rethink the naughty step use, too.

SaveSomeSpendSome Tue 17-May-16 13:14:46

He says he doesnt think what i do is right sometimes.

For example if dd and I are gently play fighting (just playing, nothing rough etc) and dd then says i ve hurt her, he will then say i shouldnt be gently play fighting anyway with her

SaveSomeSpendSome Tue 17-May-16 13:15:23

I like the naughty step.

It works for us. Dh also is a big fan of it.

SaveSomeSpendSome Tue 17-May-16 13:19:26

Dh has said he cant back me up in front of dd as hes teaching her that she cant come to him if shes not happy with something. Dh also agrees with dd over her complaint about me

FeelingSmurfy Tue 17-May-16 13:19:57

I do think it's important for a child to be listened to, but maybe he could ask what happened and when he gets the other side of the story say "well it sounds like you were being a bit silly Dd weren't you, and mummy had to hold your hand..." etc (explaining why mummy had to do x not blaming either mum or child). So it shows the child and your dh that she is being listened to, but also shows dd that given all the facts daddy will back mummy up

It is important for both parents to work together and back each other up
It is important that a child feels listened to

gamerwidow Tue 17-May-16 13:20:19

I think it's fine for your dd to be able to tell your dh anything and she shouldn't be made to feel she must tell tales. However your dh should back up whatever decisions you make in front of dd. If he disagrees he can speak to you privately about it so you present a united front.

SaveSomeSpendSome Tue 17-May-16 13:20:39

I agree feeling

SaveSomeSpendSome Tue 17-May-16 13:21:50

Gamer

I ve explained this to him but he says he cant teach dd that what i did was right when it was wrong (in his eyes)

Scarydinosaurs Tue 17-May-16 13:27:16

He needs to see a therapist.

Does he never touch DD? Does she never complain that he has hurt her? My DD constantly complains of this of both me and my husband- frequently when no one is touching her hmm because she knows it is a sure fire way to get us to pause and check she's alright. It is the oldest toddler trick in the picture book!

littleGreenDragon Tue 17-May-16 13:27:46

He's undermining you with your DD.

He also encouraging her to lie, to think rules don't apply to her and that she can get out of any consequences for her actions by running to him. That won't serve her well in future settings like school.

If he has a problem with your parenting he should discuss it with you like an adult out of ear shot of the children - not berate you like a child.

What do you do when he does this to you? Do you just stand there and take it?

I think my response would be calm anger - Something alone line of your DD is lying and you are encouraging it - I'm her mother part of my job is teaching her right from wrong - I'm not hurting her and how dare you imply I am - something that pulls him up and make clear to both of them that this is an unacceptable way to talk to you.

AnUtterIdiot Tue 17-May-16 13:29:16

"Dh has said he cant back me up in front of dd as hes teaching her that she cant come to him if shes not happy with something. Dh also agrees with dd over her complaint about me"

He doesn't understand normal parenting because he didn't have it. I always knew I could go to both of my parents and sometimes they would agree with me and sometimes they wouldn't. What he's teaching his daughter is that he can be used as a weapon against anyone else, including you, which is bad for his relationship with her, your relationship with her and your relationship with him.

SaveSomeSpendSome Tue 17-May-16 13:29:45

He never touches her.

I do 99% of all child related tasks. Dh works long hours so its just me and dd most of the time. Dh does work from home which is why she goes to him. If for example dh isnt here at the time, and then comes in several hours later she wont mention it to him at all

SaveSomeSpendSome Tue 17-May-16 13:32:18

Do i hell as like just take it. I will stand my ground there and then and say to dd that im the mother and she is to do as i say. I say the same to dh but then we end up in a big debate in front of dd

littleGreenDragon Tue 17-May-16 13:35:36

It's fairly common behaviour for children to play one parent off another - doesn't mean you are not listening to the child.

Our reaction I think is to usually check with the other parent - what has happened or what they actually said often in front of said child.

I'm not sure it's best behaviour but it's what seemed natural to us - the children know we'll back each other up but we do hear what they are saying - and sometime we might compromise or soften a position when we have the conversation between us.

Scarydinosaurs Tue 17-May-16 13:36:09

Does he never dress her?? Carry her up to bed?? Do her bath??

That is very very strange. He needs therapy.

SaveSomeSpendSome Tue 17-May-16 13:37:31

Scary

No never. If i ask him he will do but then he gets interrupted with a work call so i end up taking over anyway

littleGreenDragon Tue 17-May-16 13:45:00

I will stand my ground there and then and say to dd that im the mother and she is to do as i say. I say the same to dh but then we end up in a big debate in front of dd

hmm - do offer any explanations about why to DH or DD? Sometime that avoids a problem - I'm telling you to put a coat on because it forecast rain? Though god know I've gone for because I've said so - many a time.

I can understand your DD doing the behaviour - as has learnt is has an effect - it works for her.

I don't get why your DH is persisting it is something he need to address though especially if you've made it very plain it's unacceptable.

SouperSal Tue 17-May-16 13:46:27

I will stand my ground there and then and say to dd that im the mother and she is to do as i say.

Wow.

VenusRising Tue 17-May-16 13:47:04

Christ. You guys need family therapy immediately, and your dp needs therapy on his own. I've never heard anything so utterly damaging.

You're on a road to a huge stinking mess.

That triangular snitch dance has to stop immediately if you are to have any relationship at all with your dd, or your dp, or if your dd isn't to be absolutely fucked up beyond repair.

Stop mumsnetting and make a family therapy appointment immediately.

SaveSomeSpendSome Tue 17-May-16 13:49:49

Oh yes i always explain why. I think its really important that children are not just told "because i said so" and they dont learn why they have to do that etc.

The reason dh doesnt back me up is because he doesnt agree with my side of the story and he feels i teach dd the wrong things sometimes and he doesnt want dd thinking the wrong things i do is right and if he backs me up he says hes teaching her the wrong things i do is right and thats not the message he wants to give her.

We go in general have conflicts on parenting.

HappyNevertheless Tue 17-May-16 13:53:26

Ok you need to have a clear chat on what yu both think is acceptable to do when dealing with your dd.
Does it think it's OK to hold her by the hand?
Is it OK to touch her arm?
Is it OK to play fight? Etc

Then what should you do (Bith) I'd dd needs to go on the naughty step and she doesn't want to? How do you 'make' her do there? Ask HIM what he is doing and how he is handling it. Ask HIM to do it in front of you too (so you can see what and how he is dealing with it. I suspect he WOPULD take her by the hand and she would grumble he is hurting her etc...)

Then ask him how he is hoping to deal with LYING. If dd is coming up with a lie to him about you/a teacher/neighbours, how is he going to deal with it? Does he think chil;Daren ALWAYS say the truth? How is he going to make the difference between the truth, half truth (omitting anything that could make her look bad) or just total lies?

And re the touching your dd, sorry but let your dd wait until he has finished the call. He can't always a have a call in the evening or just at the time when she is going to bed/in the bath/gets changed.
He HAS to be with ner on his own and learn to discipline her. IT's always easy to tell people how to do difficult things that you have never done yourself!
Take turns. One day he is putting her to bed, the next yu do it.
Go away for the day with friends/family and let him look after her.
Take on a hobby that last the Saturday morning.
If you always do everything, he will never learn.

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