Husband and I have been together 7 years, married 4. We have a six month old daughter. In the last four years, I have lost my brother, dad and - just last month - my mum (alcohol poisoning, heart attack, brain haemorrhage respectively). We live in the south of England, but I am Scottish. I left Scotland about 10 years ago, but following the death of my mum, I want (need) to go home. I have no support network here other than a handful of mums I met through my ante-natal classes. Husband is out of the house 12 hours per day and I am struggling to look after our baby alone.
Husband told mil yesterday that we are moving so that I can be closer to childhood friends and extended family. She got very upset and told my husband that should would hate that. She is 82, still in very good health and out the house at various clubs and social events nearly every day. Husband sees her once per month at the moment. Her husband died 20+ years ago, but she has her daughter nearby and stays with her and her grandson once a week.
I feel hideously guilty, but I am not happy here. My husband thinks that she will come round in time, but I need to start making plans now to go home.
I feel just awful that I didn't spend more time with my mum before she died. So, AIBU to take her son and granddaughter away from her at her age?
AIBU?
To move away from mil?
Tootsiepops · 16/05/2016 17:20
If it's what you need, then it's what you need, isn't it? It sounds like your DH understands that. It would be good if MIL would understand that too, but if she doesn't - or doesn't want to - then what are you supposed to do? Her happiness is not your responsibility. What if your DH had a compelling reason to choose to move away himself, eg a job offer? Would she try to stop him from taking that opportunity? That would definitely be unreasonable of her, and she would probably realise it. The only difference here is that the choice is being made by you, not her son. So what she's really doing is setting up a MIL/DIL power struggle to see who her son chooses. Silly of her, and unfair to you, imo. You are not leaving her adrift - her daughter is near at hand - and realistically if your DH only sees her once a month, he could probably just about maintain that after the move - if he wants to. (Not implying he should see her more now, just meaning that if he did see her substantially more now, then there probably would have to be a reduction in frequency after the move.)
Who says it has to be a permanent move anyway? If you have to struggle through being a SAHM (I presume? - you didn't spell it out) without much support after multiple bereavements, you may end up staring down the barrel of PND. Anyone who cares about you should want to avoid that if possible, and if moving away is what you need right now, then you should be able to do it, I think.
Does your DH's work have the flexibility to accommodate a move?
Very sorry for all the losses you've had to cope with. 
Husband can transfer to Scotland office without too much bother. He's already checked and they have said yes. I'm on maternity leave atm but could also transfer to my work's office in Scotland. No worries there.
My husband used to see his mum more regularly but frequency has dropped off since the arrival of our daughter. Mil and I are never going to be best friends, but we get on ok and I have no problem with her coming for extended visits whenever she wants. She's not particularly prone to melodrama so although I didn't think she would be thrilled about us going, I didn't think there would be tears (which there were).
If she is setting up a power play, then my husband will - without question - pick me and the baby, but it makes my heart sore to think I'd cause him or mil any pain in being away from one another. I'm having a very tough time grieving for my mum and I can't deal with anything on top of that.
I'm also feeling guilty that I'd be taking the baby away from her only remaining grandparent.
I just wish things were different. I'm going to hurt mil, or I'm going to continue struggling. I don't want either of those things 
Tbh she could possibly end up seeing you all more than she does at the mo if she is coming to stay or you can visit her. Her daughter is near by too. I think if DH can make regular visits and you too when suitable it's fine. Hard to start but will get used to it. Can she Skype/ft too?
I'm sorry but when you said she was out at clubs I instantly imagined her giving it large with a bottle of blue wkd 
I don't think you're being unreasonable OP.
However - are you sure your old friends are going to be able to give the support you need? Do any of them have young children? Are they working full time? Have they all been in regular contact? Are they spread out?
I'm asking because it's easy for friendships to change dramatically over a few years even if you've never left. Babies, husbands, jobs, changing as you age, ect. and i worry that you are imagining walking back into your old life when everyone else has moved on/apart and you are left alone again. Along with the obligation to get on a plane or a train every couple of weeks back down to England!
are you sure your old friends are going to be able to give the support you need? Do any of them have young children? Are they working full time? Have they all been in regular contact? Are they spread out?
I thought about this, but I barely remember my old life. I'm 36 now so 26 when I left and we were all single and in the pub every weekend. I definitely don't want to go back to that 
My best friend I've known for 30+ years, and my other friends 20+ years. They are either settled or have children (or both). Some work part-time - others I don't expect to see apart from occasional weekends.
All I want is to be able to do is pop by for a cup of tea now and again, or have folk round for lunch. Have extended family nearby. I'm definitely not expecting anyone to drop everything for me.
I feel very alone here. It's hard taking care of a six month old for 12 hours a day whilst my husband is at work (and that's another reason for wanting to move - husband will be able to get home before 7pm every night).
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