To expect a little more help?

[QueenImpatient]

I'm new to this but have read a lot of posts so am prepared for the absolute truth (even if it's harsh) which is why I'm here...

Sorry! Long post!

I'm 32 & a mother of a beautiful 19 month old girl. I have a chronic illness & a nerve disorder which causes me intense & frequent pain that is hard to control. Fatigue is also a huge part of this.
As most of you will know, being a mum is hard work at the best of times but when constantly in pain & fatigued it's just that much harder.

I've been with my baby's father for 3 years & while our relationship is rocky at times we are still managing for the sake of her.

My question is, how much help should I expect from him? What's normal?

I'm a stay at home mum & he runs his own company from home.

I should also mention that I help him with his work wherever I can along with normal house work.

I look after our daughter 100% of the time. In the almost 20 months she has been alive, he has never put her to bed, never given her dinner, never packed her bag & taken her for the day, never looked after her for a full day alone, never washed a bottle.... Doesn't know what medicines she needs, doesn't know what she eats, what her routines are, where different items of her clothing etc are kept.

On days that I am extremely ill he has a way of making me feel so bad that even though I can barely function I will get up & just get through it anyway because he has 'too much work to do' to help... On days when it's impossible for me to move, he will call his parents to help instead of helping himself. This doesn't happen a lot, 99% of the time, I grin & bare it.

He calls me lazy & tells me I don't want to get better.

I've had surgery after surgery, seen Doctor apon Doctor. I want nothing more than to be healthy for my little girl but unfortunately my body doesn't agree.

He takes her for 2 hours each Saturday and Sunday & calls it 'baby sitting'.... Babysitting? His own daughter?

AIBU or should I expect more from the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with. If it not be for me, for his daughter who adores him??

Thanks!

[HelenaBottomFarter]

He's a twat. End off.

Question is do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? do you think it's healthy for your daughter to see how he treats you? Do you want her to think it's normal and OK to be treated like this?

What do you want to happen?

[wannabehippyandcrazycatlover]

Errrrm he sounds awful.

Have you spoken to him about his lack of interaction with his daughter?

To be honest, he doesn't sound like he's going to change in a hurry and telling you are lazy for having a medical condition is unacceptable- is this what you want for the rest of your life?

[Junosmum]

My DS is 5 months. I'm on mat leave. DH works out of the home, he's out about 9hours a day.

I do all day time stuff as I'm at home. I usually do a fair amount of housework too as I have the time. I do most of the cooking and the big weekly shop. DH picks up bits from the shop as required. We take turns making lunch for the next day and DH does housework when needed.

DH does bath times and gets DS dressed for bed. I do bed time as DS is breastfed and feeds to sleep. I therefore fo all night wakings too.

Other parenting (e.g evening and weekends) is divided pretty fairly. I do all feeds as I have boobs, but nappy changes, playing, watching, naps etc are shared. DH packs the change bag when needed (I keep it well stocked from using it in the week). At weekends DH will take DS for walks without me, to meet friends, to the shops etc.

Your DP needs to step up! He should be doing 50% of the parenting when he isn't working.

[Ivegotyourgoat]

Well imo parenting should be as 50/50 as possible. A working parent can do their share after work and at weekends and should want to really to form that relationship with their child.

I don't see it as helping or babysitting.

This guy just sounds horrible in general though.

Did he actually want a child?

[QueenImpatient]

Our daughter wasn't planned. I was the one who freaked out in all honesty because I genuinely did not know how I would cope with all of my health issues... He was over the moon and promised me he'd be there, I'd have nothing to worry about.

Come my arrival home after a pretty nasty c-section and I was already the one doing everything (in a two story house) up & down stairs all day every day, all night feeding as she didn't take to the boob.

I was driving to the shops and carrying bags in as getting him to run errands is like pulling teeth.

I love him & he does love her. When it comes to playing with her or showing her off to family and friends that's a diff story... He is immensely proud of her and loves her to bits. It's me, it's me that he doesn't see needs help... And yes I've spoken calmly about it, I've cried about it, I've screamed about it, he doesn't get it.... In all honesty I truly believe he thinks he does enough which I guess is why I asked if I WBU ....
He seems to think it's the mans job to work (even though I work for him too) and then my job to parent.

We don't clash in other areas. Our relationship was good prior to our daughter. He's not a caring person. He has no empathy at all but I could deal with that before.... Now that I have my daughter and so much more work, I can't handle him not seeing the pain I'm in and just helping out more.

I really appreciate your input everyone :)

[Shantotto]

If he loved her he would care for her not do nothing at all but show her off.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

You say he has no empathy and is not a caring person - I have to ask why you love him as you stated?
He sounds selfish in the extreme, and sadly I don't think empathy is something that can be learned or taught.
I think you have a miserable future ahead with this man, and so will your child, if your health issues are ongoing, she will see her 'wonderful fun dad' allowing her mum to struggle and long term she won't be impressed.

[limon]

That's not help. That's being a parent. The very fact that you're asking about what "help" he should give you speaks volumes. And no, you can't babysit your own child .