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AIBU?

Partner's ds

15 replies

caramelised250 · 27/04/2016 15:06

Any advice ?....my partner basically sticks up for his ds even when his ds is being badly behaved. Two nights ago ,my partner asked me to help his ds with his homework ,which I was happy to do.However, partner's ds was not interested in doing this , and was just fooling about and not concentrating
After a while I went through and said to my partner ' I can't help D as he isn't concentrating' Anyway, partner then went through to where ds was and came back to me and said 'D heard what you said and is offended' while ds then appeared with a smug look on his face
Basically, whenever ds behaves badly , dp sticks up for him
We've had a bad argument once about it, and whenever we talk about it, dp alwayssays that he won't do it next time , but does
Any thoughts? Partner's ds has just turned 10.

OP posts:

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getyourfingeroutyournose · 27/04/2016 15:14

I'm not sure you can really change your DPs attitude on this one.
He's making a rod for his own back in that it sounds like he is putting himself under the thumb of his DS.
There was nothing offensive about what you said. Next time he asks you to help, do not. Give whatever reason you feel necessary but if he thinks his DS is okay to muck around and act like you're in the wrong for that then see how long your DP gets on doing it on his own.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2016 15:18

Leave them to it! Your DP can help his DS with home work, he has no right to ask you to parent in his stead, least of all when DS is rude and DP doesn't back you up. What else was he doing that was so much more important?

His DC, his problem, if he's going to be like that.

I speak as stepmum to two DC who I have a brilliant relationship with on the whole and choose to spend a lot of time with. I also have a supportive partner who takes full responsibility for parenting his children. If you want to, do the fun stuff, but bin off the homework and housework if this is the thanks you get.

How long have you been together, do you live together, how often do you have DS with you and what's your DP like in the rest of your relationship?

RudeElf · 27/04/2016 15:21

Why is he not helping his own child with his homework? Do you live together?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2016 15:22

Head over to the stepparents board if you want to. Good advice there.

givepeasachance · 27/04/2016 15:23

I get where you are coming from but kids mess around doing homework at 10....it's what they do.

Was there a need to be soooo critical?
I think I'd have just said "ok, you are not in the mood. Let me know when you want to get it done and I'll help you then"

caramelised250 · 27/04/2016 15:29

Thanks for the advice so far We've been together just under 2 years and live together . DP is actually supportive in the rest of the relationship and yes, I also had the feeling it will be hard to change him on this aspect.

OP posts:

jumpjumpformylove · 27/04/2016 15:41

"Was there a need to be soooo critical?"

I saw no criticism. A 10 year old is old enough to concentrate on some homework and it's not up to OP to have to go back and help when this boy decides he's ready.

Good luck to the partner, pandering to a smug, easily offended boy like this as he gets older.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 27/04/2016 15:59

Gosh, did he give an instruction to you or did he ask if it's OK for you to do his child's homework with him?

How is his DS's attention and concentration in general? Does he concentrate at school?

My 5 year old DS has a short attention span and struggles to concentrate. Academically he's doing fine but it his attention and concentration might end up becoming a problem further down the line, which is why he's been referred to speech and language therapy.

Reason I mentioned the above- do you know if your DSS's concentration and attention has been a problem for his parents/ school/ clubs etc? And in the past has there been some help with it?

Either that or he's just playing up and being a huge brat for you! A 10 year old without any trouble concentrating shouldn't mess about like that. My exdsd used to sit wonderfully at the table doing her homework and she is a similar age to your DSS.

caramelised250 · 27/04/2016 16:47

Well he kind of gave an instruction but I think he thought it would help us bond ,and I didn't mind helping ..until it was apparent that dss was just going to play up
I don't think he has a huge problem with concentration in general, but dp also lets him play games on dp's iPad in restaurants etc which I don't think helps
In my opinion, he should be engaging in conversation, say about what we've done that day , but I don't make a fuss about this . In the situation I described, I think he was being brattish

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 27/04/2016 17:31

Doing something fun would help you bond, not doing homework. Your dp is just being lazy or trying to avoid it himself because he knows his ds plays up. However, you can't change him, all you can do is decide if you want to live like that or not.

Maybe leaving them to it will be the wake up call. Maybe not. Personally, if I had already discussed this and we had come to an agreement which he later broke, I would be making plans to leave the relationship. Life's too short to spend it with someone who doesn't respect you.

caramelised250 · 27/04/2016 18:42

Thanks for all the messages... really helpful and interesting thoughts

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/04/2016 19:59

"whenever we talk about it, dp alwayssays that he won't do it next time , but does"
And when he breaks his word and does it again - what is the downside for him? Because in general, if there is no 'sanction' (for want of a better word) then there is no incentive to improve. So he doesn't.

magoria · 27/04/2016 20:46

My thoughts are leave your DP.

He is never going to change. no matter how bad his son behaves he is in his corner.

It will grind you down and destroy your relationship in the end.

Get out now.

junebirthdaygirl · 27/04/2016 21:16

I think if that was your own ds you wouldnt go and complain to his dad about him. Its the same with dss. A lot of kids mess about at homework time as they're tired fed-up restless whatever. I think you need to understand that and not expect him to be perfect. Why do you think a lot of parents hate homework? Because it can be a pain sometimes getting through it at the end of a long day. Maybe you are expecting too much.

MammaTJ · 27/04/2016 21:18

I have a 9 year old and 10 year old with DP.

They are both perfectly capable of playing us off against each other. The thing is, we present a united front. We don't let that happen. Your DP is letting that happen!

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