To be really upset with my Mother

[Slackalice42]

I am now 36 weeks pregnant with my first child after 2 years of IVF (DH issue). First round was on NHS and I got pregnant but baby had what I was told was unsurvivable brain and cardiac abnormalities and I had a TOP. We then had a long period of genetic investigations etc. My parents very kindly offered to pay for the next round of IVF but I thanked them but said no because I can afford it and they are retired, plus my brother has 2 kids and it wouldn't be fair unless they gave the same money to him and also my Mother said something 'jokey' along the lines of, 'obviously if we pay we get to choose the names'.
Anyway I didn't think much more of this as second round was successful and all investigations looking good so far and I am just crossing everything and hoping for the best. Until last week when she asked me about how it felt to be having the most 'expensive baby in the world' and asked if shouldn't I have spent some money on having a boob reduction as if I try to breast feed I will probably 'suffocate the poor little chap anyway'. Granted I am knackered and hormonal but I just went off and cried about this. Is this because I didn't take their money?

[sparechange]

Yanbu, what a couple of spiteful comments.

Sorry about your first baby. I lost mine in very similar circumstances and it is just unbelievably cruel.

for you and waiting for you for a few weeks time!

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Or it could be just because she is a bitch! No need for those shitty comments, I hope you told her so op?

[Slackalice42]

I am afraid that I was so upset I didn't say anything at all. I thought my mother was supportive of me having a baby even though I know she thinks I left it too late. She had me at 25, I am 40. She loves my brother's children to bits and to have this out of the blue was just a real shock.

[TheSparrowhawk]

Is she normally like this? I think with some people, genuine worry and fear can manifest itself as nastiness. Could she be worried about you and responding badly?

[AlwaysDancing1234]

Spiteful comments, no excuse for them.
Would you be able to speak to her about how upset they made you?
Congratulations on your pregnancy, hope everything goes well for the birth in a few weeks time.

[wheresthel1ght]

Wow what a cow your mum is!!

for you, I am so sorry about your first baby. And congrats on this one!

Just she usually make such horrid comments or is it a new thing? If it's new could it be hat there is something else bugging her or worrying her and she is being snipey in a twisted attempt to reach out?

[Slackalice42]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts particularly spare change. I think I am being a bit of a coward not discussing this with her but she is coming to visit (she lives a
3 hours away) for my baby shower (yes I know terribly unmumsnet but a friend is throwing it for me, I have made her promise no tacky games and I have said no gifts unless a copy of their favourite children's book) and really I don't want this to ruin what I hope will be a really enjoyable gathering of family and friends.

[Slackalice42]

And no she is not usually like this at all!

[Gide]

I think I'd be devastated at comments like that. I also wouldn't be able to grin and bear it, I'd need to ask her what the eff she meant before she came down.

[wheresthel1ght]

If she isn't normally like this then I would sit her down and explain that her comments have upset you and whilst part of it might be hormones that doesn't excuse that they were quite unkind comments to make.

Clear the air before it becomes too awkward or it really will ruin your party

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

If she's not usually like it, I'd tell her that her comment really upset you. It may have been a ridiculous comment that she either thought was funny, or just not thought through.

As an aside, it is perfectly possible to breastfeed with larger breasts (although the whole 'suffocating them' worry is common in older generations, maybe her comment stemmed from that?), and babies are very clever at feeding with their face pressed against the boob. If you're worried about it, reach out to your local peer support team now so you have a point of contact before baby is here.

[Fooshufflewickbannanapants]

Maybe she thought she was being funny? Fornwhatbits worth I have enormous knorkage and my last baby was 3 l I breast fed himself and each boob was easily twice the size of his teeny head!

[Aristutle]

Don't worry yourself about it. Mums can be like that sometimes - say things without thinking them through. Things that might have been funny a couple of years ago but now not so much! When breastfeeding my two, I was a little larger than I am now and so were my boobs. The bubs coped fine because they know how, really.

[nam207]

Just to add to the other comments re the feeding, look up the "rugby hold", a midwife at the hospital told me about it and it was much easier and more comfortable for me and my big boobs. You'll be fine.

[curren]

If she isn't usually like this. I would put it down to her trying and failing to make a joke.

I don't think she really expected to name a baby. The joke about it being an expensive baby and your boobs were probably a very badly judged attempt at humour.

Talk to her, you may find that as soon as she said these things she felt mortified. She may be worried about you and the baby and tried, badly, to lighten the mood.

I think we all have made jokes that have come across badly or misunderstood. We feel mortified, but sometimes don't explain it because we think it will make it worse or we are embarrassed.

If you have a good relationship with her and she isn't like that, talk to her.