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AIBU not knowing what to say/do to my bereaved friend?

11 replies

Joolsy · 16/04/2016 11:22

I have a friend who has just lost her mum. We are not really close and are only friends because of our DC. We get on well though and see each other at a club our kids go to once a week and we have a good chat about our lives etc. Normally with a friend I'd give them a hug and say how sorry I am etc but I don't want to set her off crying in public (she might be embarrassed). However I also don't want to appear standoffish either. You think I'd know really as I was in the same situation a while back.

OP posts:

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IthinkIamsinking · 16/04/2016 11:29

Give her a hug.
Buy a lovely card and write a thoughtful message. Send her some flowers.
Offer to have her kids over to play if she needs some space

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DoItTooJulia · 16/04/2016 11:29

Do what feels right, although easier said than done!

In my experience, people like to be told that theyre being thought of. A friend of mine was bereaved last year and she said the hardest part was people ignoring her grief. However, people 'ignored' it because they simply didn't know what to say.

How often do you see her?

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ElspethFlashman · 16/04/2016 11:35

"I'm so sorry about your mum - it's really really shit. How are you today?"

When my mum died and people asked me how I was, I didn't know how to answer cos it was too huge to answer. How am I in general? Too many different emotions to even convey!

But when they asked how I was that day it was easier: "Knackered - was dreaming about her all night".

Honestly all I wanted to hear was unconditional sympathy. No minimising or 'it's for the best" bollocks.

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Voteforpedr0 · 16/04/2016 11:36

Give her a hug and offer to pick up/drop off her dc to the activities ? I would find that comfortable to do to a friend/other mum not known for too long

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AuntJane · 16/04/2016 11:37

I lost my mum two years ago.

Just say "So sorry to hear about you mum". It doesn't need more than that - but don't ignore it or, worse, avoid her.

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Itsmine · 16/04/2016 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FireandBrimstone · 16/04/2016 11:39

Until I lost my own mum last year I had no idea how helpful and appreciated a simple card can be. If you can send it to her before you might see her, that's great. If you know you'll be seeing her before you can send a card, just a "I'm so sorry about your mum, how are you?" will be appreciated. Take from her cue - if she wants to talk about it, let her... If she wants to be diverted by other topics she will make that clear too.

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Ifailed · 16/04/2016 11:44

Show some sympathy now, but don't forget about her in the coming months. I lost my dp last year, and it was the months afterwards when I appreciated someone to talk to, even have a little weep. Is she having to deal with her mum's home or anything - is so offer to help?

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UntilTheCowsComeHome · 16/04/2016 11:50

You sound like a lovely friend op.

When I lost my mum last year I was left feeling very hurt by the way some of my friends were with me.
No cards or sympathy, just ignored it and dressed it up as 'keeping things normal'

Things weren't normal, my life was turned upside down.

One mum I knew through my DS's football was lovely though. She turned up with flowers and a card, hugged me hard and told us she'd ordered a takeaway as she knew I wouldn't feel up to cooking.

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JessieMcJessie · 16/04/2016 11:52

Don't do what a friend of mine did and say "so sorry about your Mum, sounds like it was quick though, better that than lingering eh?". Yes there is some truth in that but I was not really open to any conversation that tried to cast a positive spin.

If you met her Mum at all, or she ever told you any good stories about her, it's nice to talk about her- eg "oh I'm so sorry, she was such a funny lady, I'll never forget that time at your house when she was singing silly songs to your DS" etc. My biggest Robles with how people acted after the death of both my parents was how they made it all about me when I wanted the dead person not to be forgotten and relegated to just the person whose death had upset me. Reading cards from my Dad's colleagues who actually knew him and didn't know my Mum or me at all, containing anecdotes about him and how he had touched their lives, was much more comforting than reading ones that went on about how sorry someone felt for us.