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To find my Mum really difficult!

(21 Posts)
OhGodNotAnotherUserName Sun 03-Apr-16 20:05:39

I have had a relatively up and down relationship with my mum in general. Sometimes we get on ok, other times she drives me round the bend.

I find that she constantly talks over me, like I will start saying something and she will just start talking immediately over me. She also doesn't listen to what I'm saying, I will say something - make an observation or something - and then a few moments later she will say the same thing which proves she doesn't listen/hear what I say. I find this particularly irritating! I've just spent today on trip out with her and my dad. She spent quite a lot of time bitching about my dad and complaining about how grumpy he is (she is always berating him so am not surprised he 'snaps' sometimes tbh).

Today, me, my 4 yo DD and my parents went out on a day trip. We stopped off at a cafe around 12:30, whereby my mum didn't want to eat any lunch there so we just had drinks. We then decide that we were going to go to an animal park with DD so we will eat there as there is a cafe there. We talked about the cafe there on the way up in the car. We get there just after 2:15pm, walk around a bit and then I say, right we need lunch. DD says she is hungry too. For some reason my Dad has gone AWOL so we make our way to the cafe, my mum turns round and goes off so I order lunch for me and DD thinking she will be back with my Dad. Anyway, they never reappear. My mum comes back, quite huffy saying that we have 15 minutes to finish eating and for looking round the animal park as we need to leave just after 3pm. I am a bit confused by this as we have only just got here and have hardly had a look around. Me and DD finish our lunch, and as I felt it was unfair that we go to the animal park and not see many of the animals go and find some. We find my mum who says that we had not agreed to eat at the cafe there, that she and Dad wanted something 'nicer' to eat and said that I had just gone and ordered the food without consulting anyone and that I was selfish. Anyway I say that we had agreed to eat at the park, that had been agreed earlier and that in any case it was 2:30pm by the time me and DD sat down with our food which I think is a bit late for lunch. If we had looked around the park, i.e. for an hour or so, then got in the car, we could have been sitting down for 'lunch' sometime after 4pm! My mum told me to stop raising my voice despite the fact that I was talking normally! I just didn't really know what she was talking about and also annoyed that she couldn't see where I was coming from regarding being hungry. DD was saying she was hungry and I didn't think it was fair on her. We eventually find dad, who was eating a sausage roll from the cafe.

Anyway, I know it's petty but it just really annoyed me. AIBU?

ShamefulPlaceMarker Sun 03-Apr-16 20:09:25

Lol at your dad eating a sausage roll grin
Sorry.... Yanbu! She sounds like hard work.
Selfish too, did she not even consider that her 4yr old gdd would be hungry?

FullMoonDiva Sun 03-Apr-16 20:12:38

Oh gosh yanbu if I didn't know better I would think you were talking about my mother, it's draining!

AlwaysDancing1234 Sun 03-Apr-16 20:15:28

At he beginning of the post I was starting to think you were my sister!
I understand and sympathise as I've just had a very similar day with my 'D'M
It's part of her way of controlling everyone and everything and it drives me loopy. Hope you and DD got to see some of the animals eventually.

Lilaclily Sun 03-Apr-16 20:16:32

Oh that sounds awful

I hate to admit it though but I can get an idea in my head of what we are going good to do but the crucial, thing to do is share the idea lol

OhGodNotAnotherUserName Sun 03-Apr-16 20:54:12

Do you think my mum was gaslighting me? I was just looking at another thread about gaslighting and thought, hang on this sounds familiar...

Today we all agreed that we were going to eat at the cafe at the park, but when we got there my mum was adement that we hadn't agreed. She does this sort of thing all the time. And then makes out the the other person is lying/being selfish etc.

kerstina Sun 03-Apr-16 20:59:52

How old is she ? Is it possible she has memory problems.

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 03-Apr-16 21:47:28

Sounds like its a common occurrence and not memory problems. Your dad I think agreed with you in thinking 4pm was too late for lunch but after years of the same old same old from your mum just sloped off and left her to it.
Follow your dads line and just go and do what you want if she starts changing plans and claiming that's what was agreed all along and refuse to be drawn in to any arguments.

JennyOnAPlate Sun 03-Apr-16 21:51:29

She sounds incredibly difficult!! My dc wouldn't wait til 2.30 for lunch, never mind 4!

Vinorosso74 Sun 03-Apr-16 22:01:43

She sounds hard work and as I read this realised my own mother isn't far from this. DD and I are off to stay with them for a few days this week...

thecatsarecrazy Sun 03-Apr-16 22:03:16

My dad can be a bit like this. He talks over me too and stops listening half way through a conversation and says I get him in a muddle.
He often asks to be taken out because he gets fed up at home but the trouble is he's not up to walking anywhere.
He wanted to go to Bristol once and it was coming up to my ds b day so I thought we could look for a gift while there.
It was a 3 hour drive after picking him up and 10 minutes after arriving he had enough and wanted to go home. I said dh has done a lot of driving to get you here. He moaned then every time we stopped anywhere. This evening I said we are hoping to take the boys somewhere this week we only have tomorrow and Friday. He said oh I would like to go. But it wouldn't be any fun for him at all.

Higge Sun 03-Apr-16 22:09:34

Your parents sound stuck in their ways. Time to set things out the way they need to happen....if your parents don't agree then work around them but not so you can"t feed your dc - that is just ridiculous. Disclaimer my parents are doing my head in at the moment....they are all take, take, take....I am so over it.

OhGodNotAnotherUserName Sun 03-Apr-16 22:52:32

She has always been like this. She is getting on a bit but I don't think it's age related, she doesn't seem to have a problem with her memory in general. I also remember that when we were at the animal park, and getting ready to leave for home (having looked around the park for about 10 minutes in total not including me and DD's lunch break) I say that me and DD need the loo and I catch her throwing her arms in the air and eye rolling as if us going to the loo before an hour plus car journey (with a 4 yo!) is totally unreasonable.

She does this sort of thing all the time. She is generally quite controlling. She will use things that she has done for me/bought in the past i.e. helping me buy broken white goods etc as examples of how 'I need her' and that I should not step out of line or disagree with her. She finds that if I disagree with her then this means that I am being abusive. I consider abuse to be shouting, swearing, being nasty etc whereas if I just have a different point of view to her she thinks this is abuse. It's like she has not interest in my thoughts/opinions/emotions on any level. She can't be bothered to listen to me on a conversational level and is not interested in my feelings if she upsets me. In the past she has told me that I am abusive (btw I have never shouted at her or sworn at her etc, these have just been after me trying to tell her how I feel about how she talks to me sometimes). She has always been like this.

I had a terrible time with depression and anxiety during my teens and twenties and have always attributed this to my relationship with my parents. When my DD was about 2, I went NC with my mum for over a year - only getting back into contact after a family bereavement. Since then things seemed to have improved but this weekend's trip has made me think that she is sliding into her old ways.

In the past she has told me that I am abusive, that I 'was born different'.

I have decided that I need to get some distance from her.

JassyAlconleigh Sun 03-Apr-16 23:00:56

In the past she has told me that I am abusive, that I 'was born different'

I have decided that I need to get some distance from her.

Yes, you do. There must be other people who would love your company. Your mum sounds as though she isn't interested in you as a real person, just in the way she can relate to you, criticise or use you in some odd little mind games.

It's too draining dealing with that. Use it as a useful exercise in learning how you don't want to relate to your own daughter and have a glorious time with her instead.

It won't be easy to extricate yourself but you'll be free and happy in the long term.

flowers

ClopySow Sun 03-Apr-16 23:03:10

Mums can be really fucking hard work. I love my mum very much, but i have to keep her at arms length sometimes.

I didn't ask for or accept any financial help for years because of the feeling of obligation and that i had to follow my parents rules or accept crappy behaviour as the pay off. It crept back in a bit over the last few years, but after a fall out at christmas, i'm back to never asking for any help. They've offered a few times but i've declined politely.

So i suppose my advice would be arms length and no financial support. I wouldn't say no contact because it's not always that simple.

Elledouble Sun 03-Apr-16 23:06:29

Blimey. This actually reminds me of my partner more than anything. I think I've got some thinking to do.

SeaMagic Sun 03-Apr-16 23:16:33

There are some similarities for me with my own Mum OP.

Mainly the drama and just being plain difficult but then blaming that on me, that I was treating her badly or abusive or 'out of line'.

When really it was my DM who was those things because what I was daring to do was disagree with her version of events.

I love my Mum but she is also incredibly hard work emotionally.
So no advice OP but I do empathise flowers

Krampus Mon 04-Apr-16 11:42:09

You have my sympathies, my Mum is similar. Tries to control people but when they dont play ball of course they re the ones that are nasty, grumpy and controlling, she lives in a holiday destination and dear god I have nearly left several times so far and gone to stay in a near by resort.

She is really winding my teenager up with constant comments how how much exercise he does, how much time on laptop (studying for professonal qualification and all material on his laptop), how he walks, if he looks happy enough.... if he mentions studying she replies with "if thats what you say" and rolls her eyes. Actually hes staying in the room studying to avoid contact and blowing up at her. My Mum has never done any execise, has type 2 diabetes, eats cakes, sugar cubes and all sorts. This is her decision but he goes on an hours walks and puts ketchup with chips and she wont shut up about the friggin sugar content. Then finishes her meal and has jam on bread.

Sone of it so low key you feel as if you're going nuts, it isnt so much the actual incident but the sheer constant volume.

I asked her if she wanted to come out with us to the local town. She acted huffy as if there was a possibility that she wouldn come. Said could we go in 2 hours so she could do a a job, yup thats fine. That job turned into 4 hours. Youngest asked when so I happily said just waiting for gran. Mum startes acting as if the world is against her says that she is coming now, I finish making my tea she snaps that she is coming now. Then takes 50 fucking minutes getting out of the house, this is something she always does, my children are sat in the hall with coats on and she starts fiddling with paperwork. We get in the car and immediately says that she can't walk far because her leg hurts.

She is annoyed with me because of the flight I booked, it doesnt afect her at all, it isnt the one she would have got! But she doesnt travel from the same place as me!!
The only thing I could do to make her happy is to tell her that I am a fool and change my travel plans. Actualy no if I did that she would tell me I was being silly and over sensitive. The call my brother to say how she has had to put up with my moods.

I did grow up thinking it was me being a shit person but the it dawned ome that she bitched about and tried to bully everyone.

Jojoriley Mon 04-Apr-16 11:54:44

My mother was behaving increasingly badly whilst always insisting it was my fault. I got her alone, in a very calm non stressed situation and we had it out! I eventually said what I had been feeling for so long and she did actually listen! We were both very upset, but after this (which took a lot of courage) things have been so much better. Even if she does behave badly I am far more able to just let it go and be kinder. It feels like I broke a toxic thread that had bound me up for years. Maybe try it? What is there to lose if she's horrible now?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Apr-16 13:43:25

Start recording her.
Hit record on your phone. Ask her to confirm and then double confirm.
Then when she starts with this crap you can just play it back to her.
Keep doing it until it sinks in.
Or just distance yourself from her.
I couldn't be doing with this and my poor mum does have Alzheimers and she wouldn't be like this!

Gobbolino6 Mon 04-Apr-16 14:05:04

She sounds like a 'delightful' blend of my DM and MIL. You have my sympathy.

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