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AIBU?

To think there must be something i can do?

17 replies

VicWillia · 03/04/2016 10:01

Long story short, ds spends 8 nights a month with me and the rest with exh. We're currently in court as I am fighting to make it 50/50 and he won't budge.

Exh has a partner who lives with him and ds. She has serious mental health problems - hasn't worked in around a year hardly, threatened suicide on Facebook. Now I'm not having a go at mental health problems, I myself suffer anxiety.

However yesterday, ds came to my house very solemn. He told me that, lets call her Katie, had been in bed crying for the last 2 days and had told him her head hurt. He seemed really quite disturbed by it. He's only 5 so he can't give much detail to me.

I don't want ds living there affected by this if Katie is having a breakdown. I want ds out of there and with me. Is there any way I can take action?

OP posts:

Report

hollyisalovelyname · 03/04/2016 10:04

Why do you have your son only 8 days a month?

Thisisnotausername · 03/04/2016 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VicWillia · 03/04/2016 10:06

Because when we split up exh kicked me out of the house with nothing and it took me 2 years to be in a position where I had a nice place for ds to live. I do now, which is why we are back in court.

OP posts:

VicWillia · 03/04/2016 10:07

It's 8 nights i have him, not 8 days. I see jim most days.

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 03/04/2016 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Collaborate · 03/04/2016 10:09

There's nothing you can do other than what you're doing at the moment. A judge will decide what's best for your child. Beware flagging up gf mental health. Yours will also become an issue. Unless you live with a partner you have less support than her, and you're trying to get your son from him, not her.

VicWillia · 03/04/2016 10:09

Him not jim.

He says she cries all the time and he doesn't know why.

OP posts:

VicWillia · 03/04/2016 10:10

I do have a partner.

OP posts:

MakeItRain · 03/04/2016 10:11

It sounds like whatever else is going on your son needs support with what he's seeing at his ex's house. If there were no court process going on it would be usual to seek support. You could try your son's school in the first instance. Or your GP. They should be able to refer you to the right people for support.

Obviously the court process makes this difficult in that your ex may be angry or try to make out you are doing this out of spite or making it up. But this shouldn't stop you getting for help for your little boy.

hownottofuckup · 03/04/2016 10:12

Is there a court order in place as present?

VicWillia · 03/04/2016 10:16

No. We have a mutual agreement. Ds sleeps over 8 nights a month and I see him approx 5 days a week. Despite this exh insists on money from me. I give him the csa recommended amount. I know this is frowned on here but he treats me like something he wiped off his shoes, plus he doesn't spend my money on ds. I buy all ds clothes and shoes in addition, but exh says if I don't pay him money he won't allow me to see ds because he has residency.

OP posts:

Headdesk · 03/04/2016 10:47

She sounds depressed, someone can't help being depressed and it sounds like she's tried to come up with an understandable reason to explain it to your ds

Italiangreyhound · 03/04/2016 11:04

Have you got a good solicitor? MOe sure they know the full story, the factsnot emotions.

Your ex sounds like a shot. His partner needs help. Could your ex be contributing to his partners unhappiness? If so, that is a toxic home to 've stick in.

OP I had anxiety 18 years ago. I had a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy on the NHS and this cured my anxiety (panic attacks). It has made my concerns normal. I might for anxious now on a truely anxiety inducing situations (very rare!) But heart racing, weird palms, weird thoughts are gone for good. Please get the right help for yourself.

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 03/04/2016 11:06

Make not MOe!!

Ex sounds like a shit (sorry in phone auto correct)

Be stuck in not 've stick in!

MakeItRain · 03/04/2016 15:32

If there's no court order, he doesn't "have residency".Theoretically, you could just keep your ds with you, say the situation is reversed, and ask him for maintenance. You do need a solicitor to help you sort this out. I don't see why you wouldn't get 50:50, as long as you're seen to be reasonable. Have you emailed your ex setting out what you want?

I would put it in writing, starting with how the situation came about (him making you leave the family home with nowhere to stay, and you subsequently working your socks off to provide a home for your ds). Leave out reference to his partner; I don't think this would come into it unless she is a risk to your son, but it doesn't sound like she is. (It does seem that your ds would benefit from support for seeing her so depressed though)

eg

Dear EX,

I would like to change the arrangements currently in place for DS. As you know, the current arrangements were never mutually agreed, but stem from the time (date) when you made me leave the family home with nowhere to live, and nowhere to provide a home for ds. (Put the circumstances of how this came about but as unemotionally as you can - how did he actually make you leave?)

Since that difficult time I have consistently worked and saved to enable me to provide a home for me and DS and would like the current arrangements to change to.......... ( a 50/50 pattern) I feel that shared residency is in ds's best interests, in that he will have equal time with both parents, rather than an unequal division of time, a decision which was made solely by you, enforced on me by very difficult circumstances, and which I have always disagreed with and sought to change.

Regards,

VicWilia

Or something like that!

Then a court will see that you have reasonably requested a change, and have your ds's best interests at heart, in that you feel he needs equal time with both parents.

Collaborate · 03/04/2016 20:48

MakeItRain - I trust you didn't intend to advise OP not to return the child.
Whilst in theory no court orders would be breached by a failure to return, the court would take a dim view of such action and a judge would order an immediate return first thing Monday morning. You really don't want to be the kind of parent that does this. It would cause irreparable harm to your case.

MakeItRain · 03/04/2016 21:54

No, I absolutely wouldn't advise that. Sorry if it came across like that. I just meant "in theory" you have as much right to residency as he has and "could" have the same days as he does.

But Collaborate is right, the courts wouldn't look well on you simply keeping your son and doing that. But they will look favourably on you calmly and reasonably communicating your position with your ex. If he refuses, you take your correspondence to court and let the judge decide.

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