When I was 19 I had an abortion. I had been with my (first) boyfriend for two years, the condom broke, the morning after pill didn't work. We were both students, terrified and my boyfriend made it clear he didn't want a baby. Abortion was the logical option. My boyfriend was an arse about the whole thing and unceremoniously dumped me two weeks later (the day after I was almost killed in a car accident...but that's not relevant other than to say it was a tough time which I dealt with largely alone as only my best friend knew about the abortion).
It's not something I have looked back on particularly happily but I have kept telling myself over the years that my life as it is now and the success I am now enjoying both in my career and my relationship with my now DH could not have happened if I had gone ahead and had the baby. I would have been a single mother tied to an immature and unsupportive father and life would have been much much harder. Even my GP at the time told me I had made the right decision.
Fast forward 17 years and I am deliriously happy with DH and we have a one year old DS who we are both absolutely besotted with. However, I have found that first my pregnancy and now the first year of my DS's life have been very triggering in that they have really made me feel like shit about what happened all those years ago. This has come as a bit of a shock as I thought I had made my peace with the past. Every day I have been confronted with all things baby-related and I can't help but think about the baby that never was. I have been blown away by what an incredible little boy my DS is, and I find it gut wrenching that I didn't give my other "baby" the same treatment. I'm so torn between logic, which says I did the right thing at the time which has let me be in the position I am today, and emotion/guilt/negativity.
I know I am definitely not the only woman who has had an abortion as a teen/young adult and then gone on to have babies at a later stage. AIBU to feel like I feel? Is this normal or is there something not quite right?
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
AIBU?
to struggle with a past abortion now that I have a baby?
18 replies
ZigAZigAhh · 31/03/2016 22:53
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.