to let my daughter have this party?

[manicinsomniac]

My 2nd daughter is going to be 9 at the end of April. I've always told them that big parties are for single digits only and that from 10 onwards it's things with small groups. So this is DD2's last 'big' party.

She wants a dance party (basically we hire one of the studios and a teacher and they teach them a routine then give them a party tea and a bit of a disco in the studio).

But there are only 19 other girls in her year. She wants to invite 15 of them so of course I said they all have to be invited. However, one of the girls (who was on DD's list) is an essential wheelchair user and another (who wasn't on the list) cannot cope with loud music and excessive movement around her. Plus my DD has been dancing pretty seriously for years and, along with another dancer and a couple of gymnasts in the year, is becoming just a tad overconfident and show off-y. So my feeling is that it isn't a fair choice of party and that DD should choose something everyone can enjoy equally.

However, I only know this information (about the disabilities, additional needs and my daughter's behaviour) because I teach at the school. So I'm thinking it isn't fair to refuse a party choice based on information which is teacher info not parent info, if you see what I mean.

Plus it's her birthday.
I would be unreasonable to say no, wouldn't I?

[ILovePies]

I personally would let your DD have the party she wants, especially as it's her last big one.
As long as everyone is invited, the parents & their children can make the decision to attend or not.

[bakeofffan]

Agree let her have the party she wants.

I have a friend who has been in a wheelchair since childhood, and loves music/dancing. The girl in her class may well love to go, provided the studio is wheelchair accessible.

[PPie10]

I think it would be unfair on your DD not to have this party. It's her birthday and it's the last big party that she wants. Invite all the girls and leave it up to them and their parents to decide.

[WipsGlitter]

I think you should invite them all and they can decide whether or not to come. Perhaps you could get the girl in the wheelchair to be the "Official Photographer" if she doesn't want to / can't join in. Or make sure the teacher is really on the ball and gets her involved in it even in her chair.

[Princesspeach1980]

I would still let her choose the party, but make it clear on the invite what the activities are. My DS has asd and is very noise sensitive but we have ways of dealing with that at parties, including wearing ear defenders, and you could ask for the music not to be too loud. Could you ask at the venue if they can accommodate a wheelchair user, and then let that mum know what adaptations they can put in place. I would hate to think someone hadnt had the party they wanted, just to accommodate my DS.

[Dinosaursdontgrowontrees]

Totally agree with ilovepeas invite all and let the children/parents decide whether they want to come. It's your dds day, let her do what she wants.

[BarbarianMum]

I think it is fine for her to have this party as long as everyone is invited.

[jennifer86]

I agree I think I would let her choose the dance party but would say she has to invite all the group. Then children and their parents can decide whether or not it is something they would enjoy. I don't think it's really up to you to find an activity that everyone would enjoy as I don't think it would be possible. I would probably talk to the dance teacher beforehand and check they realise the group will be such mixed ability, though, including the SN if those DC would like to attend.

[EduCated]

I'd invite all while making clear what the activities are so they can judge for themselves, and whether it's an option for them to just come to the tea bit if they wanted to (or indeed all if they actually want to!)

[ShtoppenDerFloppen]

My DD uses a wheelchair, and takes an adapted dance class every week. She loves it. Please don't assume that because a child uses a wheelchair, that they won't enjoy moving to music. This is a great opportunity to teach your daughter about inclusion - just please ensure the location is accessible. As for the child with a sound sensitivity, it is up to her parents to decide if this is a party she would enjoy. Perhaps she would have a great time if she wore hearing protection?

[CMOTDibbler]

Invite all the girls, but let mum of the girl who has issues with noise know that you're happy to facilitate her attending whichever parts of the party she wants to.

[KurriKurri]

Yes I'd go ahead - I think a lot of children will enjoy music and dancing - I'd have a word with the teacher about some of the children having specific needs so s/he can tailor the dancing to fit the group. Make it clear what is involved on the invitation and children can decide whether or not it is something they'd like to come to.

As for showing off - a quiet word beforehand to your DD that some of the others may not be as confident - she might enjoy helping them out. But on the other hand you want her to enjoy her day to and do the dancing she likes.

I do remember as a child when I showed of singing and dancing at my parties, a Great Aunt saying to me 'thank you Kurri, you've delighted us for long enough now'

[stealthsquiggle]

I would have a chat with the dance teacher about how they would accommodate those with additional needs and make sure that the party was inclusive. While you're at it, you could talk about how to ensure that your DD and the other dancers/gymnasts don't get to dominate too much. As long as you were happy with what they come up with, then I would let her have the party. You can then contact any parents that you need to to explain what has been arranged and agree the best approach to make sure their DC can attend (if they want to) and enjoy the party.

[manicinsomniac]

Thanks, all, I think I'll go ahead with it. Yes, the studio is accessible - it's upstairs but has a lift - and I know the teachers very well (do a bit of relief teaching for them occasionally when they're short) so can certainly talk to them beforehand.

Shtoppen - I love the idea of the adapted dance class! Didn't know they existed.

I was more worried about my child's cringeworthy tendency towards becoming a mini primadonna than the studio being unable accommodate children with sn but I can give her the lessons in expected behaviour/attitude which I suspect she is starting to need regardless.

[manicinsomniac]

Kurri - that's brilliant - definitely one to remember.

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Invite them all and include details of the activity so the girls and/or parents can make the decision.

[MyFriendGoo52]

People in wheelchairs can dance. Just mention it to the instructor.

[wigglesrock]

I'd as others have said go ahead with the party inviting the whole class but I'd have a very strong word with my dd re the showy off tendencies. That's actually where my concern about the suitability about the party would lie.

I was at a party a few weeks ago (helping out as a favour). It was a hobby based party - an activity the party girl was great at, but the other kids were less sure, more nervous. It was a nightmare - the party girl ran rings round the others, there was lots of "look at me, I'm so good at this", "don't be such a baby" etc. Its fair to say the party was not a success, kids took the hump, left early, to be honest it was excruiciating to watch.

[scarednoob]

I just wanted to say good on you for insisting on inviting everyone. There are so many heartbreaking threads on here by people whose DCs have been left out.

[MrsJayy]

I used to be in a wheelchair dance team so dance can be adapted speak to the dance teacher invite the girls and let parents decide job done

[KathySelden]

Please let her have the party she wants, as a child of a teacher I can tell you she will remember and remind you about it for at least the next 20+ years (sorry mum). If she would have had the party if you had not been working there then it would be unfair on her. Oh and promise me you won't be the one to teach her sex ed, I still bear the scars!

[Cabrinha]

Interesting the comments about it being a lesson in inclusion for your daughter.
The daughter who already had her wheelchair using friend on the list.
Maybe she doesn't need any lessons in inclusion because she already automatically includes her friend?

[TeenAndTween]

thank you Kurri, you've delighted us for long enough now

I think your Great Aunt was a fan of Pride and Prejudice kurri

[MrsJayy]

Wonder if auntie kurri had a fan she wafted

[KurriKurri]

She probably was a fan of P and P - I don't remember her wafting a fan but she was very keen on proper behaviour - one of her sayings was

'Never cut a roll or bun,
because My Dear it is not done'

She was a bit Lady Bracknellish