MIL issues *long post*(24 Posts)
I have had problems with my MIL for some time now. I just don’t know if I ABU to not be able to move past this.
She has had a very hard life, and as a result has a few emotional issues, but I think this is starting to become an easy excuse for her to just get away with anything.
She has never really liked me and the issues started when she asked me to leave my DH because I didn’t love him enough (pre engagement). I had to exclude her from wedding plans as she “hated” everything I wanted and DH just agrees with her to make her happy. But the real issues started when DS was born. As soon as he was born she went out and bought everything she could possibly find, I felt like I was being very ungrateful but there were items that I felt were not her place to pick, like things for his nursery (which she hadn’t even asked what the theme was – and items were not inline with our theme). But having just had a baby and very hormonal, I was reduced to tears every time she left after a visit because she bought things I wanted to pick out. Various other nasty comments thrown at me, e.g. Are you going to be one those girls who BF for ages? I mean, I don’t even know what her point was. And when DS was around 3 weeks, coming over and complaining to me that she was so tired having not had a very good nights sleep!!!
Anyway, I have tried my hardest to move on from all the above, but things have reached breaking point with us. She visited me one night when DH was away and had one too many glasses of wine. She starts shouting at me, saying I’ve ruined her relationship with her DS (my DH) and that if DH was good enough for me to marry my DS should be raised the same way. I ended up having to ask her to leave because I didn’t want her to wake DS. Her last shot was “I hope when DS grows up he ends up with someone like you”.
I can’t tell you the effort I have gone to to include her in everything and smooth our relationship. But right now I just can’t see the point in continuing. She literally acted like nothing had happened the next time I saw her. I had a text saying she can’t really remember anything but hopes we can just move on.
I just feel like she should be making an extra effort after her behavior, but she still just does as she likes with DS. I feel like I can’t trust her and want her to have minimal contact with my DS.
This all happened a few months ago now, and I’ve been waiting for things to get better. I haven’t seen her alone since, but she’s recently started asking to meet up again. AIBU to just outright say no? And how do I deal with her going forward?
YANBU not to want to meet her alone if you don't want to.
What does your DH say about it all?
I wouldn't meet her.
I'd also be having limited contact with her at most.
DH understands and leaves it up to me. But this is his normal, his view is that's just the way she is - as he has put up with similar. I just don't want to move past it and for her to think it is ok to just carry on doing stuff like that.
I'd be leaving it up to DH and having nothing to do with her.
The other issue is I don't trust her with my DS, as she thinks she knows best about everything. So would prefer to be there when she spends time with him. So zero contact would mean keeping her away from DS, and I don't think that is an option.
How old is your DS?
I'm 20+ years into in law issues, not mil but it is draining. funnily enough my major concern was the dcs but they've not come to any harm. They've seen me set boundaries, be kind, and have more loving people in their lives but I'll hover to see what advice you get.
If your DH is happy to be understanding and leave it up to you,then I'd not bother with her frankly. Still be there for any DS visits but there's no need for her to see you without DH organising it and present.
If she already dislikes you it's not like you've anything to lose.
Leave it to your DH. If he doesn't want to get involved then he can't object if you decide you don't want to see her. Personally if my Mother talked shit to my DH I would be giving her very short shrift - she has and I did BTW, so I'm not just being a keyboard warrior here. So I find the concept of your DH standing by whilst his Mother literally shouts at you, quite odd. Where is his loyalty and concern for you? Or is he just lazy and wants a quiet life?
Usual advice op: Your mil is just some woman on the street. You wouldn't even know her if it wasn't for dh. She doesn't respect you as ds's mother, so you don't owe her any respect as his grandmother.
From now on, stop trying with her, she's not worth it.
Contact is at your discretion. She isn't supporting you looking after your son so cut her out for a while.
DS is 1.
That's exactly it Apocalypse, I just feel drained by the whole situation.
As hard as it may be, I think you need to confront her. Let it be known that you've took a lot of crap from her, but enough is enough and you will no longer be having anything to do with her. From there let her understand that if she wishes to have a relationship with your DS then she must abide by the rules you set and let your child be raised how you want him to be, if she can't accept that (or says she can but goes against it in the future), then put a stop to her seeing him. At least this way you're pulling yourself out of the situation but you've given her a chance with DS, it's then completely up to her to take that chance and if she doesn't, nobody can ever blame you.
Not unreasonable to say no to seeing her alone at all. I have in law problems myself and it truly didn't get any better until I stood up for myself and spelt out what they had done and what I would not be accepting anymore. So on those lines I'd be straight with her next time she asks to meet up just you two, smile and reply in a nice friendly voice 'no thanks mil, I think after what happened last time we met up without dh we'd be better off giving it a miss'.
And when she undermines you with your son pull her up on it-it will only fester otherwise.
I think cut her loose. She clearly has issues with you - and if she isn't willing to behave like an adult and at least try and be polite and civil to you, then I wouldn't be giving her the time of day.
So I wouldn't see her, contact her or respond to her. If your DH wants to stay out of it then fine - she's his Mother, let him deal with her. But if she can't behave like a grown up then she doesn't get to come round to your home and play Granny when she feels like it. If DH want to maintain a relationship with her then he can go and visit her.
"She literally acted like nothing had happened the next time I saw her. I had a text saying she can’t really remember anything but hopes we can just move on."
This suggests to me she knows she overstepped the mark and is hoping you'll let it go. I would be tempted to fill in the blank spots in her memory and tell her if she ever does it again there will be serious unresolvable issues between you.
It's time to cut lose and not allow her behaviour to make you feel this way.
I agree that it is time to have a chat with her and lay down some ground rules. You do not need your DH to do this. If she is getting at you, then you need to deal with it. If she carries on, after you have laid down the rules, you then need to use 2 simple words. Off is one and fuck is the other.
Had to do the same thing with my FIL and life is now stress free.
YANBU. Just say no. Clearly your DH won't cut ties but it doesn't mean you can't cut contact with her. Just see her when you have no other choice.
YANBU. Don't meet her. Don't see her alone. Anything she buys can be handed back with a "thank you so much but that doesn't go/we already have it/I'm planning on choosing my own."
Don't let her have your ds alone either. She'll purposely ignore any instructions you give and may end up saying nasty things about you or underhanded things.
I would just ignore the text and tell your DH that she was very out of line and go NC. She is banned from the house. Your partner needs to take care of his mother, she is acting like a child and needs to be told.
She won't listen to you, but she may listen to him.
She sounds a lot like my MIL
Don't meet with her. By doing so you will show her that she can be this vile to you and there are no consequences. The abuse won't stop by itself. You need to be honest and set some boundaries.
She sounds lonely, bitter and resentful and she taking it out on you.
Tell her you won't be meeting with her. Trust your instincts too, if she can be like this to you and your DH then she is perfectly capable of treating your DS like that too... And she'll use him as a weapon against you.
Why can't your ds see her without you as he gets older? Maybe a few hours here and there? Just keep contact to a minimum. No need to have a big fall out sounds like she knows what she has done. Exchange pleasantries and leave it at that. No need to socalise with her. Dont punish DH for her mistakes its his family so he can make the effort and contact you dont have to. Just make him aware of your boundarys and leave him to it.
He can take ds to see her while you have a nap! We are all greatful for a nap!
And what would be wrong with dh visiting his mum on his own? You and ds could accompany your dh occasionally so you all see mil.
Put dinner on (or say you have), so you have an excuse to leave. This will set an end time to the visit (handy to just give enough time for catch up of news and the nice things).
Eventually, the penny will drop that your time (and you!) is precious and not to be abused or disrespected.
I agree with setting boundaries. Don't fret, just keep it light. You did not choose her as a friend, you chose her son so just do your duty and no more.
Oh, and I would not be available for any home visits for quite a while.
Perhaps your dh could tell his mother that you are not up to visitors atm as you are busy (decorating, taking up meditation, yoga, hosting the local spider enthusiast group meetings) and for the foreseeable future any meets will need to be at her house.
I used to take my DCs to see their grandparents every two weeks or so and they would visit us every alternate two weeks. It all came to a crashing halt after a second incident where they tried to take over parenting my child. It was a simple thing, (similar to don't give them sweets, I don't want to say the exact thing) and I called them out on it and asked them firmly, but I felt fairly not to do that to me again. They called their DS (my DH) who was working overseas and said I have been this, that and the other. Some of the things that were said were awful. Hubby tried to sit in the middle and weave a solution but sadly it wasn't to be. I didn't see them for a year. But I also made it clear in my discussions with DH that our children were not pawns in a grown ups argument. They could see them at our house, DH could take them to their house but I would not be present. After a year or so it eased a bit and I can be in their company, but I won't be alone with them, hubby won't go off with his dad into the garden for example and leave me with his mother because we cannot trust what they say without witness. Thankfully my DH is in complete agreement with me and agrees with me that the least time spent in their company the better. Thankfully the kids only know them as loving, if distant, grandparents. I think it sounds like a similar situation needs to be developed here. I hope your hubby is on-board and backs you up.
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