WWYD - DCousin wedding clashing with job commitments

[Tailypo]

Hi everyone!

Aargh trying not to put too much detail in here as this could out me, but still want to be as clear and accurate as possible!!!

This situation is still hypothetical for now, but just wanted to post on here for some advice and suggestions please

I'm applying for teacher training courses at the moment but with deferred entry, so if successful, I wouldn't be starting until September 2017. The courses I'm most interested in involve teaching in the classroom from day one. I think that would suit me well out of the options available, as I have previous teaching experience.

My DCousin is also planning her wedding at the moment, and would like to get married next year. The earliest date looks like it could be May/June 2017. She is British and her DP is British, but they would like to get married abroad and have found several venues they really like.

One of the venues is unfortunately fully booked for most of the year, but with openings for midweek weddings in September 2017.

This is still a hypothetical AIBU (actually more of a WWYD, with me requesting advice/suggestions about the situation. )

If my DCousin is having a midweek wedding abroad in September next year, I'm worried about how I can get time off from the teacher training - particularly if it would involve teaching students from day one. My understanding is that (rightly) I wouldn't be given time off (say 3, 4 days) to attend a family member's wedding in term time.

However, I am very close to my cousin and our relationship is much more like a close sisterly relationship. I've been asked to be a bridesmaid at the wedding, and would of course really love to go as my family will be going and I would ideally like to be there anyway as she is a very close family member.

We spoke earlier today by phone, and I mentioned my situation in passing (ie. my training possibly not starting until just around her wedding date etc., and me possibly not being allowed time off, so all still hypothetical and not set in stone yet.) She was very understanding about it.

The last thing I want to do of course is to hurt her feelings in any way and to make her think that I would not be able to make her wedding. I told her that I would really love to go to her wedding and will of course do my best to come.

I mentioned the possibility of October half term for the wedding (please dont flame me for this - just a suggestion. I fully understand it's her wedding and her and her DP's choice in terms of everything, from dates to location and catering etc.)

However, October half term may be slightly too late for the wedding as it will be abroad (southern Europe, so will probably be much colder, not as sunny). Also, I (and perhaps my DCousin too) don't know if the venue is still fully booked then or not. Of course, I realise that holidays would be a much busier time as well in terms of guests and demand anyway.

Sorry for the really long post!!

Aside from me feeling that IABU for posting this when it is still so hypothetical (my circumstances/the wedding date or location could still of course change), WWYD in this situation? Do you think in these circumstances, I could still go to the wedding?

If I get definite offers this year for teacher training, I will of course let the providers know about this situation as soon as possible and ask them ASAP what their particular policy or outlook is although I realise they will probably, and quite understandably, say I couldn't go

Just posting on here for a bit of perspective really. Thank you so much in advance

[Tailypo]

Bump

Gahh just re-read my post and realised how long it was - sorry!!!

[WorraLiberty]

Gosh, in the nicest possible way you really are over thinking this a bit.

Yes she's your cousin and yes you might be very close to her, but she's choosing to marry in another country and anyone who chooses that knows, it will mean certain people won't be able to attend.

Tell her you just can't commit for obvious reasons and if it happens that you can't attend, wish them well and tell them to make sure to send you the photos.

[daisychain01]

I can understand your concerns. You will be at a critical time in your qualifications and work commitments when your cousin is planning her big day.

The more I read about weddings on MN the more I think they should be high up the stress scale like top of the list not for the couple but all the family and friends who are impacted by complicated arrangements! I really wouldn't get sucked into trying to suggest timings and venues because of your concerns about being able to attend.

Its your cousin's day, you've done the right thing by being honest with her that if they chose a date that falls at a difficult time for you, then you may not be able to attend. That's life. Hopefully she will be grown up enough to deal with it.

Don't jeopardise your future career prospects because of one date, just to please someone else, no matter how much you care about them.

[daisychain01]

if I get definite offers this year for teacher training, I will of course let the providers know about this situation as soon as possible and ask them ASAP what their particular policy or outlook

Please dont do this!! They won't give a flying 4x about your social engagements. You need to impress them and focus on the job, especially in the early weeks and months.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

If your cousin wants to hold her wedding in a location so far from home that her guests and wedding party would not only have to travel to but stay over, then she will need to accept that not all guests and wedding party will be able to do that. You may have work commitments. Some may not be able to afford the money. Some may not be able to afford the time. Some will have the money and tome, but prefer to spend both elsewhere.

The bride and groom will have to decide what is more important to them - a location, or their friends and family.

[Tailypo]

Thanks so much @Worra and @daisychain for your lovely and thoughtful replies

[SquinkiesRule]

She chose to get married abroad, term time and mid week. There will be a lot of people who can't come. She'll get over it. Your career is important and you shouldn't risk it by going to a wedding.

[ChillieJeanie]

Sometimes work commitments mean we just can't do these things, which is disappointing for all concerned but can't be helped. At least you've been able to flag this up as a possible issue now, and it might be that your cousin will take that into account when deciding dates. Abroad is an added complication because it will mean needing longer off than a wedding in this country.

I didn't go to my Dad's wedding because of work commitments and that was in this country. March and April every year in that job were vital times (including weekends) with absolutely no chance of taking time off, I had been doing it for four years by that stage so everyone in my family knew this, and Dad decided to get married in April. And then tried to guilt trip me for the six months beforehand because I wasn't able to go.

[ilovesooty]

You really shouldn't ask the providers for this time off. Your cousin will have to understand that you may not be able to attend.

[Tailypo]

Sorry @WhereYou, didn't see your reply to start with thanks!! You're all absolutely right - I do absolutely want to honour any work commitments and that will be my main worry. However, I of course want to be with my DCousin too, but at the moment, am just wondering if there's any way of balancing both

[miraclebabyplease]

You can apply to govenors to have time off. People in my school have managed to get time off to be bridesmaids etc.

[QuadrupleL]

You might actually find that as it is a prior commitment you will be able to go. I have a trainee in my form group at the moment and he was able to leave 3 days before the Easter break because he had booked a holiday well in advance of him being accepted onto the training course. If you are talking about in September, you may find that whilst you are in a school, you wont be teaching classes straight away, you will be observing, team teaching and then after a couple of weeks, taking responsibility for a few of your own classes.

Having re-read your post, it looks like you are talking about school direct or the assessment only route, in which case, much like a child having time off in the first month when you are establishing relationships and routines, it would do you more harm than good. It is a difficult position to be in. If you had been accepted on a teaching course already then I would say equivocally no. However you may not get on a course - the way the government have been messing ITT places around there seems to be more difficulty than ever getting on a course despite the fact most courses are not filled up. How much would it cost for flights and things, knowing that you might end up having to forfeit them?

What subject / age range are you thinking of? If it is a properly shortage subject you might have less problems.

[whois]

Over thinking. If you can't go, you can't go. She'll get over it.

[nocoolnamesleft]

To be honest, if you're training to be a teacher, then this is probably a good taste of things to come. My mother used to be a teacher: no way she could have had time off during termtime for a wedding. I work for the NHS, so am similarly used to unswappable commitments. Indeed, my DB actually largely chose his wedding dates around when both of us would be able to attend.

Your cousin has a choice: she can pick the location/timing of her dreams, and know that many friends and relatives may struggle to attend. Or she can choose to make it easier for those she loves to join the celebration. That is her choice. But you can't really muck up your training because she has chosen a midweek wedding abroad during termtime...

[Junosmum]

They'd likely give you 1 day off for a wedding (they did for my DH ) but 3/4 days is very unlikely. You may be close to your cousin but they have to realise that if they choose to marry abroad a number of people would be unable to attend due to work or finances or leave entitlement or children's schooling.

[KitKat1985]

If she chooses to have a wedding midweek and abroad I think she needs to expect lots of 'sorry I can't make it'. It's her choice to have a wedding at this time, and it's obvious a lot of people will struggle to attend. You would need to prioritise your course.

[Tailypo]

Thanks so much for your replies everyone I think the next step is to wait and see what my DCousin's firm plans are and I'll take it from there. Thanks again for your advice so far, it's been really helpful!! I do have a tendency to overthink things

[ElviraCondomine]

Teachers don't get time off in term time unless it's exceptional circumstances. When BIL and SIL married overseas on a term time Saturday (which due to flight times required us to travel the day before) DH and I both had to take unpaid leave even though DH had no classes scheduled on that day, and I was missing exactly 1.5 hours contact time as I had PPA on a Friday morning. Even that was a very very good deal - if my HT had said no, DH would have gone alone.

We've missed all sorts of family events as a result of both teaching. The same BIL had his 50th birthday party midweek last year - and lives 5 hours drive from us (in fact he didn't even bother inviting DH as he knew he wouldn't be able to make it, but that's a whole other story....)

If you go into teaching you just have to accept this. I have never been to my own children's nativities, sports days etc. Nor did my parents ever come to mine.

[Noisytraffic]

I agree, Elvira.

That's one of the things you have to be prepared for if you choose to go into teaching. I've missed quite a few Friday weddings of friends and family in the 8 years I have been teaching; most brides and grooms have been understanding, others not at all.

[Tailypo]

Thank you so much for your replies so far everyone! do you think I should wait and see what happens now and take it from there? In terms of the wedding date and location being finalised etc. I really appreciate all of your advice so far I would feel so awful if I couldn't make it to the wedding but obviously, nearer the time, I'll have a much better idea of what my options are.

[Littleallovertheshop]

Where are you? In Scotland you won't get the time off for a wedding mid term and should not ask.

[daisychain01]

In your shoes, I think I would make sure your cousin is clear that if you do become unavailable, she has an alternative option for a bridesmaid. Otherwise you'll just keep worrying about it.

In fact, if you can be released from playing a formal role altogether, that would be fairer to your cousin and it will take the pressure off you.

[WonderingAspie]

Sorry but your cousin needs to accept that a wedding abroad in term time is pretty selfish and she has to accept that many people won't be able to go. My own sister is doing this and we aren't going. It would cost us 1000s and we would have to pull the kids out of school and get fined. I hate weddings abroad. Your priority has to be your course and this is par for the course with teachers.

[fluffiphlox]

I didn't go to my SILs (second) wedding because it was midweek. I'm not a teacher but didn't want to use my leave allowance on a wedding. They didn't notice my absence.
Weekday weddings give me the pip.