To think maybe I don't love him anymore?(17 Posts)
I'm not sure where to start as I'm very confused and torn though I don't want to out myself. DP and I have been together for 6 years, our first DC was born in December 2014 and I feel like something has massively changed with me. I have no interest in sex what so ever with my DP, I never initiate it and don't particularly enjoy it, it feels like a chore. I'm not affectionate anymore and don't enjoy kissing or even being kissed. That's not to say I'm not pleasant, we still laugh and joke I just don't particularly seek affection. I remember when we first got together, I'd get butterflies and enjoy kissing him so much and we actually had a sex life that I enjoyed. I know things change after having a child but this is a year and a half later and I'm still feeling this way.
At first I thought it had something to do with getting the implant in my arm as a form of contraception as I've been told it can affect your libido but now I'm not sure. He still initiates sex, is still affectionate and sweet and caring but I think he's become my best friend and I'm so comfortable in the routine we have I can't tear apart the routine from a real romantic relationship. I don't know if I've fallen out of love with him or if I'm not attracted to him anymore but the thought of losing him (our maybe just losing what we have?) hurts me deeply but I don't know what to do. A friend thinks I'm simply 'settling' for him but I just really need some outside prospective on whether this is normal or not? Please help?
Forgot to add I've had a c section and I'm very paranoid about my body as I just can't seem to get rid of the stomach/weight that comes with it but he's an excellent father and really a wonderful partner so I think I'm being ridiculous.
I think you have just got into a habit of looking after child, not feeling so good about yourself and are probably a bit knackered. It s perfectly normal to go off sex, the key thing is do you actively still like your partner, if yes then ask yourself, do you still find him attractive but just can't be arsed with the whole sex thing? it could be hormones, it could be the implant,it could be that you feel weirded out by being a mum and having the scars from childbirth / body issues. give it time, find time for you and find time to be together that does not revolve around DC, get out of the routine on occasions. If you actively still like him then in all likely hood the 'buzz' will come back. FWIW I am happily married for 26 years, still love my DH beyond belief but have at times really gone off the sexual side of things, it has always resolved itself but if in doubt have a good long think about how you see your relationship, if you want to stay with him and all else is good then think about speaking to GP about implant / hormones etc. I reckon though if you asked 100 fairly new mums at least half would say that the thought of sex was a massive turn off for a fair few months / years after DC arrived. try not to worry, sort out your thoughts and seek help. congrats by the way on the baby and the good relationship, unless he is a twat you will likely make it work.
Thanks Step...I'm a bit desperate at the moment and a bit of a mess as I feel guilty about my DP. I know I can't be arsed with sex but I'm not actually sure if I find him attractive anymore, that's the problem. I'm considering couples counselling but it would mean telling him all this.
Implant killed my libido, months of not letting my the dp near me, by 10 days after having it out couldn't get enough. Definitely could be the implant.
Bar, what did you use after the implant? I've been considering getting it out but I'm terrfied of getting pregnant again.
I would give it a bit of time first, try being kind to yourself a bit, take some time out from being a mum if you can. if you feel shit about yourself try a few feel good things first, it is easy to 'lose' yourself in the first few years of being a parent. I certainly did not look at DH in any sexy way for about 3 years after mine I just did not feel sexy and I felt he was not attracted to me even though he wanted sex. It did come back for me but I have had periods of time when I have actively disliked any intimacy, felt unloved, depressed, unattractive and eventually sorted myself out by losing weight, exercising more, going out aloe more and then making more of an effort to go out with him. I found he was still my best friend but having a few laughs and adventures together made me fancy him more. It may well come back, it possibly won't but I do think it is early days yet to be worrying too much. saying that if you really feel you don't love him then perhaps you need to consider your future together, just don't be too hasty. Sounds a bit of a cliche but have you considered post natal depression, I had this after my DC and did not realise for 2 years, I was very tearful, miserable and could not understand why. worth considering.
condoms, I don't cope with hormonal contraceptives. 3 different pills gave me sickness (mimicked hg) so we now just stick to condoms as I don't fancy the coil
talk to GP about alternative contraception. Do you envisage a future with more kids? does DH? best thing we ever did was vasectomy however forafew years before that I used a cap. there are lots of options to try out speak to family planning clinic or GP.
I have been married for a long time and I have definately gone through barren patches where I thought I didn't fancy my DH. This was due to loads of reasons. Childbirth, looking after DCs, PMT, and the daily grind of it all, and a full time job, heading the list.
I always liked him and respected him though.
I just lived through it and now we are a Derby and Joan with a good sex life and a lovely lifestyle with DCs and grand children.
Hang in there. I always made the effort regarding making love as I was Ok once I got going.
It was the getting going that was difficult for me as I think it is just easier for men. My DH is a lovely unselfish person as well, which helped.
I had something v similar with coil. It took a few weeks after removal & we were back to our normal selves. I'd never ever have hormonal contraception again - seriously messed with my mind & personality.
Progesterone only pill nearly killed me, sent me beyond crazy, I was awful and I went from being a very happy confident lady into a complete mess who wanted to die was terrifying - stopped it and soon was back to my normal self...
Implant had a very similar effect that you describe to a friend of mine, she lost all Interest in sex and became the biggest bitch on the planet. Soon as she stopped went back to normal.
Hormonal contraceptive can have such a profound effect on women, I will never touch it again.
When I need contraception again will use the non-hormone coil.
Thank you for your support everyone. I have been considering getting the implant out but after having DC1 I got this almost irrational fear of being pregnant again. There was a few times I was convinced I was pregnant on the rare occasions DP and I had sex which probably adds to my lack of want in terms of sex. I feel like the worst partner in the world.
Have a read of 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrew Marshall. It's written for people exactly like you who feel that their relationship is more about companionship than passion. It's a really common problem (hence the book!) Lots of people think there is no going back and so end their relationship but it is very resolvable and possible to re-fire that passion, you just need to change the dynamics of your relationship. The book will show you how. Good luck! www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-but-Not-Relationship-y/dp/1408870339?ie=UTF8&keywords=andrew%20marshall&qid=1459187895&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1
Implant is a massive libido killer. When mine ran out I got my sex drive back again - had forgotten what I was missing! Was the life and soul for a few months till I realised it had run out and got a new one. Now back to boring again. If you can use an alternative, go for it. But don't read more into your hormonal adjustments if that's all it is. It's very normal to go off it with a baby and the implant certainly doesn't help. Maybe switch contraception and certainly wait till your DC is older than two, then ime you start to get yourself back again.
I am pregnant with DC3 and I definitely felt the way you describe in between the others !
I could not be arsed with sex either, I think mostly it was a combination of working, child rearing, lack of sleep, b/f etc, it was more important to have a brew in bed and go to sleep than sex.
For me it took a LONG time second time to get back in to the swing of it (DC2 was easily 18 months).
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