AIBU to get 18yr old DD to cook for herself

[MaitlandGirl]

We're a family of 5 on a limited budget and I'm getting sick and tired of DD1 messing about with her food and binning half of it.

She's lied to us for years about the food she likes and has, over the past 3 months, reduced the variety of food she eats to a ridiculously small amount.

Today it's come out that she doesn't like -
chicken,
steak,
sausages,
any veg apart from potatoes (but only as potato gems) broccoli and cauliflower (but only as brocolli/cauliflower cheese) and raw carrots,
pizzas (unless they're ham and cheese),
fish,
seafood,
pork,
gravy,
breakfast cereals,
milk,
yogurt,
fresh fruit,
rice
any Mexican food unless she can cover it in cheese and sour cream,
Indian food,
Chinese food,
bread,
sandwiches of any kind
and pasta (unless it's covered in cheese)

She will happily live on ice cream, cakes, chips, crisps, chocolate and Maccas.

I've really had enough of her not eating the food we cook for her and as she's got her own income I'm tempted to make her buy her own food and cook for herself, but I'm worried that she'll pile on the weight (she's currently a size 6) and will end up eating junk food all day every day.

So, I'm passing it over to the wisdom of Mumsnet - AIBU to make an 18 yr old with her own income buy and cook her own food to stop the amount of food wastage, and reduce my general stress levels.

[NeedACleverNN]

Hah let her do it!

If she gains weight that's her fault. All you can do is gently suggest healthier meals

[fieldfare]

Yanbu at all. She could have moved out and be doing just that in her own place. Let her crack on with it, although I'd point out the dangers of not getting enough vitamins or minerals, after that leave her to it. Although establish ground rules that she has to tidy up the kitchen after herself as soon as she's finished eating.

[Roussette]

Good grief, I could not not not put up with that. One of my DC's became a bit fussy at that age and it did my head in! and her only crime was not eating beef mince. And inspecting meat with a microscope to check whether there was a trace of fat on it.

The beef mince thing ruled out chilli, cottage pie, homemade burgers etc. It was a total pain as that was always a go-to family meal. I did indulge her on this as she ate everything else. Indulging her meant a cottage pie that was split ... meat at one end, veg in a cheese sauce at the other!

With a list like that you have no hope whatsoever. Something tells me the list will change daily.

If she is going to be so fussy, you have no choice but to force her to cater for herself.

p.s. what are potato gems?!

[Gileswithachainsaw]

let her cook it.

and pay for it herself to. let's see if she is so picky then

[maydancer]

Is she still in full time school or college?

[MrsSteptoe]

Woudl it work to say she can cater for herself for a calendar month at her own expense, and if she feels sick, is broke, and is piling on weight doesn't like it, she can come back to eating family food?
and if she does come back to the family table, agree half a dozen items off the "don't like" list that she will accept in the hope that you can gradually reintroduce other items?

[LobsterQuadrille]

I would buy her a pot of multi-vitamin pills and leave her to her own devices. On a budget, you can't have food wasted. If she does put on weight, she'll swiftly realise it's through poor food choices which may in turn make her revise her "will eat" and "won't eat" lists. I shouldn't think it will do her skin any favours either.

I thought my DD was fussy just because she won't drink cow's milk and claims that she's lactose intolerant!

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

Spot on. DD"s weight gain in her teens was due to her ability to cook. We let her get on with it, apart from a few remarks about Type 2. She hit 18 stone at 16, exercised back down to 12, had jaw surgery, hit 8.5, now back at 11. She's 5'10" and is happy, strong and beautiful.

[multivac]

Are you absolutely sure that the reason she's limiting the list of food she 'likes', and binning half what you give her to eat, is because she is fussy?

Does she know that you're worried she might 'pile on the weight' if she cooks for herself?

[Nanny0gg]

It's perfectly reasonable for her to buy and cook her own food (does she pay towards her keep?) or at least cook her own. But I don't understand 'lied'.

That's a very long list to dislike. How could you not notice if it's been 'years'?

Are you sure there's no eating disorder here? How tall is she? Size 6 is tiny.

[Keeptrudging]

I went vegetarian at 16, and bought/cooked all my own meals (Mum gave me money for food as I was still at school). The quality was variable - I used to particularly love a plateful of just Brussels sprouts with a dollop of butter/salt to dip them in .

It might be nicer to suggest she cooks for herself through the week, but you still have family meals at the weekend, and you cook things then that you know she likes. That way you're still eating together sometimes. YANBU to stop catering for her at 18 though.

[LobsterQuadrille]

My eating disorder started in my teens and I wouldn't have wanted to be in the same room as any of the OP's DD's "will eat" list - I existed on 210 calories a day, comprised of a boiled egg and a piece of toast (roughly - I remember the 210 from an old diary). Everyone's different but if you're trying to restrict calorie intake to a disordered extent, you normally know the calorie counts of every single food there is.

[DisappointedOne]

Christ. I've cooked my own food since I was about 12. I'd moved out at 17 and was doing everything, not just sorting out what to eat. Your kid needs to grow up pronto (and you should have been preparing her for this for years!).

[MaitlandGirl]

Rousette potato gems are tater tots or potato royals - basically little barrels of hash browns that are oven baked. She loves those, especially if they're covered in a huge handful of cheese.

Maydancer she's at uni, only 2 days a week and she works at the weekends as well. The food at uni is pretty healthy but she manages to find the only unhealthy options and eats pies, sausage rolls or huge chocolate chip muffins and a bottle of Coke.

Multivac we're pretty certain a she'll go to bed after binning half her dinner then get up when we're all asleep and eat her way through half a tub of ice cream, or take snacks from the lunchbox stuff (DS1 and DD2 both take packed lunches for college and school).

Nanny0gg she does pay board, so I can easily give her some back to cover her food. The chicken is a new one, it used to be the only meat she'd happily eat but now she's decided she doesn't like it. With the lying, while she was still at school she was throwing away the bits of her lunch she didn't like and telling us when she got home it was great - so we'd give it to her again, and she'd do the same thing. With her main meals at home she'd get up in the middle of the meal and get a drink of water (has to be ice cold) or go to the toilet and then when she came back, her food was cold so she'd bin it, or put it in the microwave to have later.

I'm confident there's no eating disorder there's, she genuinely doesn't care if she puts on weight (she's only just over 5ft and has DD/E boobs so although she's a size 6 she's got plenty of curves). Given the choice she'll always go for the high fat, high sugar option and definitely doesn't throw up after meals.

I sat down with her last week to get her to help with the weekly meal plan and she could only come up with 2 meals she liked - roast lamb with roast potatoes and broc/cauliflower cheese and my homemade mac and cheese with broc/cauliflower/bacon in it.

I really can't be doing with this anymore so I think I'll sit her down this tomorrow and get her to sort out her own meals. Thanks for all the replies.

[SaucyJack]

YANBU.

What is she generally like about doing things for herself? Just wondering if she might like the chance to sort her own food out.

A bit of independence might do you both the world of good.

[Nanny0gg]

You know your daughter, but isn't this With her main meals at home she'd get up in the middle of the meal and get a drink of water (has to be ice cold) or go to the toilet a bit of a red flag?

[BathshebaDarkstone]

YANBU. I cooked my own meals at that age because I was the only veggie in the house.

[hefzi]

Bloody hell, how is she not the size of a house already with her "likes" list?!

OP, I would be concerned, as PP have said, that it runs deeper than it looks- she's old to be this fussy, in all honesty, (apart from the meat, which is a separate issue - though presumably, if she eats McD's, it's not a vegetarian thing) and the whole avoidance of meals etc sounds a little worrying.

[MaitlandGirl]

So today we had the epic of all arguments - all based around the fact she doesn't like the food we cook and we're cruel and mean not allowing her to eat what she wants all the time. It got funny after a while as the only things she could say she wanted to eat was junk food or high fat, high sugar food.

I gave her $30 to get herself something for dinner from the supermarket and she bought ice cream, chocolate, crisps, potato gems and full fat Coke. When I asked her where the veg and meat were she declared it was her money so her choice.

I've got the weekly meal plan on the shared Google calendar and told her that if she doesn't want to eat what we're having she needs to make alternative arrangements as I'm not wasting time cooking for her only for it to be thrown away. Oddly enough the only meal she's eating with us this for the next 7 days is the roast on Sunday.

She's definitely not bingeing then purging - we've got an open plan house so you can hear everything.

She does walk a lot and runs about 8km on the treadmill every other day - so it's not too surprising she still so slim but that won't last forever with her in charge of her own food.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

What's she planning on eating when that runs out

that's not gonna last the week.

[LobsterQuadrille]

Hi OP, having been there myself, I really don't think that her eating implies disordered - strange and limited, yes. There is no way she'd contemplate cake - there are (sorry) specific foods which are easy to regurgitate. I think you just need her to get on with it and she'll suffer the consequences. Hopefully it won't last long ....

I'm highly impressed that you have a meal plan on Google calendar!!! That definitely supersedes my weekly cashflow and food budget on Excel sheets.

[Paulat2112]

I was like that when i was younger, went through lots of 'fads' but really i have a terrible relationship around food always have since i can remember and now as an adult i am so overweight it is breaking my heart.

I think YANBU, at 18 she is an adult and as long as you give her a decution on her boardings (which you said you have) then i don't see the problem.