to not go out again for a while?

[VelvetSpoon]

By way of background I was single for a very long time (nearly 6 years). I always said when/ if I met someone i wouldn't give up all my friends, never go out etc. On average I used to go out once a couple of times a month, mixture of fri night drinks after work and sat nights with non work friends.

So, ff a couple of years and I'm with someone and it's all good. Meanwhile one of my friends has, since last year, been single ( after the breakup of a long marriage). Her exh has their DC eow - the same weekend as my bf has his DC (we only see each other on the Sun of his contact weekends as they like spending time with him on his own, and complain that when with their mum, her bf is often around - but anyway that's a whole other thread). So the weekends when she's child free she wants to go out.

The rest of our group of mutual friends are all married, and have only ever been up for going out once every few months. She has other friends but pretty much all of them are married and again, not up for going out all the time.

Part of the issue is where she wants to go. The last few times we've been to a really noisy overcrowded pub, loud music, dancing etc (last night I had my drink spilt over me 3 times, and lost count of the number of times people barged into me/ elbowed me. It just wasn't fun at all. I do feel bad if she can't go out without me, i do understand what it's like being stuck at home but honestly the thought of spending every other sat night in a place like that fills me with horror...so AIBU?

[ThomasRichard]

Why not invite her to somewhere you like?

[VelvetSpoon]

Problem is that she wants to go tp places where there's music, she can dance - and there are single men.

I've suggested other places before (my local etc) but she didn't want to go as it's not lively enough. I'd be happy to go out for a meal, or for her to come to me for drinks but i think she feels that's boring.

[theycallmemellojello]

Yes, just do something you both enjoy.

[theycallmemellojello]

X-post - if she won't do your stuff, there's no reason for you to do hers. But maybe a nice cocktail bar is a compromise if you want to keep seeing her?

[BertieBotts]

Of course she can go out without you. Don't do something you don't enjoy, not every time. I'd go if it was her birthday or something like that.

[VelvetSpoon]

Tbh I haven't got the energy to go out every fortnight anyway, but certainly not to places like last night. In an ideal world I'd do that once every 2-3 months. But do something more low key once a month. I'm in my 40s, I need my rest!

[HoppingForward]

Do what you want to do! Tell her it's really not your thing, go once every few months if you want to or offer to meet and catch up in a cocktail bar instead though.

How can you catch up properly when the music is so loud and everything is so boisterous

[ImperialBlether]

You both want different things from a night out. She's not going to meet someone if she goes out for a meal with you and you can't relax and chat if you go out with her.

She needs to find a single friend to go out with - I know that might be hard to do, but it's the only resolution.

[VelvetSpoon]

It's not really a catch up she wants i think, it's more just drinking/ dancing and possibly meeting men. To be honest i don't think at our age (she's older than me) pubs are the best places to meet men anyway.

I'm the only unmarried friend she has, hence why it's always me and her (the others are busy with husbands/ families). Plus, much as I sympathise with her finding herself separated, I am mindful that when I was single, she wouldn't have gone out so often with me.

[ridemesideways]

You're being used! What are you meant to do if she hooks up with someone? Piss off? Sit there playing gooseberry or staring into your drink?

I think I'd email to say:

"It's been great to see you but I won't be able to come out on such nights for quite a while I'm afraid. Am just too old and can't be doing with it"