I won't bore you with the details so long story short, I left my physically, emotionally, finically and sexually abusive serial cheat XH 2.5 years ago. I let him take everything in the divorce, I left with my dc and a fraction of our possessions into private rental.
He has the DC EOW and a couple of times overnight during the week but he's frequently late or cancels these midweek visits. He also picks them up so close to bedtime and drops them off so early, afaic it's barely worth it for the DC but he refuses to change this. He pays maintenance regularly but gets a fair chunk reduced due to the amount he has them overnight. We've both moved on, he hates my DP despite having never met him and that's he's actually a really decent bloke.
So that's the background very briefly. The problem I'm having is that I absolutely hate his guts. I cannot bear anything nice happening to him, it pains me that he gets to have a relationship with his DC when he is downright nasty to me and I've done nothing to deserve it. He's so passive aggressive and controlling. It's like he lives to hurt me. Initially I was so relieved to be away from him that I felt nothing, now I'm constantly seething with him and fantasise about getting revenge. Today I'm tempted to call the police and report him for all the times he had sex with me whilst I was asleep, ie without my consent.
For a very long time, he refused to deal with me by any other method than phone but would use this contact as a chance to have a go constantly. He's full of criticism over everything I do. I finally had enough and will only contact him via email.
He's recently been having a go because I refuse to let him know about what's going on at school after he missed parents evening several times and did not pay me back after ordering play tickets and photos. I've found out that he's finally (4 years after our eldest started school) got in contact with them and will now be notified of all this stuff. I hate the idea of him going to parents evening when he does nothing for the kids. Never done a school run, won't help out with uniform, never had to pick them up when they're ill, never paid for a school trip, refuses to do homework, takes them out for term time holiday, etc etc. I don't feel like he deserves to go to the nicer things at school because he does none of the hard graft. But then that's his attitude anyway. He thinks he's a good dad because he takes them to his mates playgym EOW (free for him because it's his mate's) and nice holidays (I can't afford to take them). I do everything for my children, absolutely everything and I can't stand how unfair it all is. The other problem is that the kids get to school most days late due to a combination of my chronic fatigue (I have hashimotos - diagnosed a year ago so still quite ill and not on correct treatment), the fact that we live really far from the school (he wouldn't let us stay in the marital home) and I also have another DC to get to a different school (older DC from previous relationship) and he often makes us late (typical teenager). I'm worried the school will discuss this with him and he'll wade in with his shit without acknowledging that it's very challenging for me in part beside of him! But I know the school won't listen if I tell them not to discuss it with me.
Anyway, my real reason for posting is to ask how I can rise above it? I'm very happy with DP but xh's shit is a constant threat to that. It takes up way too much of my head space. I've gone as low contact as possible so what next? Is it just a matter of time? How have others managed this? God I've never experienced anger like this. I want to physically hurt him right now and I'm the least violent person I know .
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AIBU?
To still not be able to rise above it?
13 replies
ToTheLeft · 02/03/2016 14:22
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