Picture these scenarios and tell me if IBU please.
Scenario 1
DH is from another country but we met here in the UK. He speaks English very well and has siblings and cousins here. On the sporadic visits to his family, they all speak his language while I sit in silence most of the time. DH wants to stay for hours aware that I find it difficult. All his family can speak English but they rarely include me in conversation. Most of the time during the visits, I am thinking 'WTF am I sitting here for when I am being ignored'.
When our DD was small, DH's parents come over the UK for a year, they split their time between DH's brother's house and our house. DH and I both worked fulltime, his parents decide they want to look after DD while we are at work. I preferred her to be in nursery as they are quite old but agree so they can build a relationship with her. In the evening, DH sits and talks with his family in their language (parents do not speak English, nor do they try to) when I try to include myself in the conversation, DH gets irritated as he can't be bothered to translate. As DD is spending time with DH's parents, she becomes bilingual very quickly which is fine and quite often speaks to me in DH's language. I can't understand what my own DD is saying and they are all speaking DH's language which I can't understand. I get a bit pissed off at times as I feel isolated in my own home. During this time, I am doing the bulk of household stuff/admin while DH comes home from work and sits with his parents. DH's parents complain that they don't like the atmosphere between in our house. DH blamed me and still brings it up.
As background DH's parents threatened to cut him off when they found out about our relationship as they did not want him to marry outside of his culture. His siblings were also furious and I don't feel that I have ever been 'accepted'. They don't acknowledge DC's birthdays or Christmas as it is not in their culture despite knowing that our DC's are being brought up in UK culture.
His language is very difficult to learn due to the accent on words and how fast they speak. I didn't have time to learn it quite honestly. I have been told that it is one of the hardest languages to learn and even now years later, I have not been able to learn it. We see very little of DH's family so I don't hear it spoken often as DH speaks English at home. We have spent a few weeks over several summers in his country but I have not been there long enough to pick it up. DH thinks because he learnt English, I should have learnt his language but he learnt it because he was living here (and at school in his home country). I imagine I would have learnt it by now if we lived his home country. This is something that was brought up today as he blames me for 'making' him move out of London where his family is as I refused to bring DC up there. Because of this he feels that he has lost contact with his family as they can't be arsed to drive 30 miles to visit us. We used to go down regularly but it was never reciprocated. Also as I cannot speak the language, it is also my fault the DC can't speak it!
Scenario 2
I had what could be described as a nervous breakdown a few years ago due to some very traumatic events in my past that I never dealt with and being under a lot of stress in general. DH has never dealt with anything at home from housing/finance/DCs school stuff/medical stuff/general running of the home. He has left everything to me citing it being easier for me to deal with as I know how this country works better than him 
. During the period of my mini breakdown which was not bad enough that the DCs were neglected, clothes were not ironed, the house was a mess, dinner was not cooked or any school event forgotten (so DH was not really affected apart from me needing someone to talk to), he never once offered me support, hugged me, told me he was there for me etc. He basically told me to get over it and pull myself together.
A lot of the issues revolved around my family who DH had been heavily involved for 20 years at that point. They caused me a lot of hurt at how they treated me but DH never got involved, never tried to speak to them to find out what was going on. Eventually they all cut me off (and him and DCs therefore) and he was angry at me for causing the situation but never once did he try to intervene on my behalf knowing I was really struggling with it. He was annoyed that I was seeing a therapist as he resented the fact that we were paying for it. TBH I don't know how I came through it without throwing myself off a bridge. He now quite often tells me I am nuts and mental, would never have married me if he had know that I was 'damaged' and 'no wonder your family don't want to know you'. He saw me at my most vulnerable (in tears, not something he had ever seen before) and now uses it against me.
I feel that he is compounding my mental ill health, rather than helping but not sure I could cope alone and with not having family support. I can't stand the bastard at the moment and the DC are picking up on it. We are not having screaming rows or anything but there is an undercurrent. DD said recently that we never kiss or hug like normal couples. In fact there is no affection between us at all 
.
AIBU?
to think 'H' is a twat and I should LTB?
ThinkingABoutLTB · 02/03/2016 13:03
In an ideal world I would say LTB but I realise how difficult that can be 
Are you his wife or his concubine?!
You describe him as being very unsupportive of the needs of you or your children. He sounds very self-involved and disrespectful to you.
I think you already have your answer, but just to be sure: what would you say if it were 20 years from now and your DD asked you the same?
for you
Agree LTB. The only thing I would say is that if I married a man from another country I would make every effort to learn that language. However there is much more going on here and his lack of support / respect and love really demonstrates that you'd be better off without him. Good luck with your decision OP
Cultural difficulties do not help. How are women treated in his culture op?
Once the charm wears off and the chase has ended and you are married, the traditional cultural expectations kick in.
What is an ideal wife in his culture? That is his benchmark to what to expect from you.
You sound incompatible. He and his family are doing your head in. As the saying goes, if you want change start by looking in the mirror'
You can no more expect him to become empathic, kind hearted and helpful as he can expect you to fulfil his expectations.
Tragic for all concerned
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