To ask for your advice on this situation?(11 Posts)
Posted about this on the relationships board a few weeks ago but didn’t get much response. So am now reposting here for help?
I have been debating for weeks to post about this but really need advice.
Long story short:
About 6 years ago, my sister and I had a falling out. I didn't agree with the way she was parenting her child and I had an argument with her about it. Although I see now I shouldn't have said anything, I still agree with what I said. I was young and opinionated. I called her a few days later and apologised. Things weren't great after that but we still spoke but the relationship wasn't the same.
Then about 5 years ago I got married and she was a total cow at my wedding. When I called her out about it she stopped speaking to me for 6 months. I eventually called her and sorted it out with her. I told her we'd both said and done things wrong and she said let's forget about it and move on.
Since then our relationship has been ok but not great. I am very different to the rest of my family and don't conform to the way they do things. My sister is really aggressive and rude - everyone in my family knows it but just puts up with it. I am the only one who will pull her up on it but sometimes I just let it go because I can't be bothered with the arguments. Our other sister has said if she wasn't our sister, she wouldn't bother with her.
In the past couple of years, things have been good between us. There have been a few big things happen in our family which has helped the relationship to heal and I thought things were going back to normal.
Last month, my family did something to upset me. When I approached them about it (I had to do it via text which I said I didn't want to but it was the easiest way to speak to them but asked them to phone me), she wrote back that she wasn't interested and not to expect a phone call from her. Turns out she had spoken to my mum and got her version of the story rather than asking me my side.
You may think I'm silly but her words really hurt me. I have cried about it a few times. I can't believe someone would say that to someone who was upset.
I feel like I have had enough of the way she speaks to people. And I don't want to put myself in the line of her vicious tongue again.
I want to not speak to her again until she apologises but I don't think she will, she is just not the type.
I could be the bigger person and move on but I'm always the one who does this.
I could ignore her but how long can I do that without my family finding out and a) telling me I'm dragging it on when this happened weeks ago and b) upsetting my mum.
I don't know what to do. Should I just man up and move on. Everyone else just lets her speak to them the way she does, should I accept it too?
I think you should accept that you don't get on with each other, and look at the part you play in this. Sounds very petty and a bit six-of-one to me.
It does sound like you are both as bad as each other.
I would leave it. Life is probably easier with both of you apart.
It all sounds a bit playground to me "he said, she said" type of thing. Life's too short to keep falling out with your family.
It is very petty and I promise you I am not like this with anyone else.
I feel like I have really, really tried the past few years to get on.
I guess that’s why her words hurt as I thought we were getting on really well.
It seems as though you started it and she just have it back to you and it went on and on. I think just accept that you won't ever be close or get along well. Sounds like you both are to blame.
Just because you're related doesn't mean you absolutely have to get on you know. She's not making you happy. You're not making her happy. Just let it all go. You think you tried - she probably doesn't. Her words hurt you - maybe yours hurt her too. I'd step back from it all for a good five years or so and see if growing up a bit helps either of you.
Actually you posted this just ten days ago under a different name - I knew I'd read it word for word before. My advice remains the same - just let it go.
I wanted to get some more opinions on it as I’d only had one response.
I have two usernames so switch between the two depending on whether I’m on the PC or on the app.
I didn’t realise that was only 10 days ago! That’s what having a toddler has done to me – it’s fried my brain!
There are different ways to stand up for yourself. The most obvious is confrontational. In this situation it has already got you virtually nowhere (because she's still hurtful/rude). She's not going to change and nobody will openly take your side against hers in any dispute from the sounds of things because they don't want any family division and/or don't want to be on the receiving end of her tongue.
Another way is to do what you need to make YOURSELF happy. She doesn't. She hasn't and she won't. It's so easy to say when it's not about you, but really, don't place more importance on the relationship than you can emotionally afford. She's your sister and it would be great to have a wonderful relationship with her but that's just not going to happen.
So you don't need to confront her, but it sounds like you do need to accept that she's not going to be the sister you would like her to be. Then focus on the people who do make you happy.
Good luck, it's horrible.
I won’t get any support from anyone. My mum takes her side over everyone else’s (she has even said to me she will put up with anything from her so she can see her grandchildren) and no one else will support me for the reasons you have stated. I’m expected to put up and shut up, ignore the way she speaks to me and just get on with it. And I get classed as the trouble maker if I don’t accept it.
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