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AIBU?

Fell for someone else

26 replies

KeepingitReal2 · 16/02/2016 10:21

So I fell for someone at work and don't know how to get him out of my head! I have to apologise and warn that this is LONG but I don't want to drip feed.

I've been with my partner for 9 years and we've had our ups and downs. He has cheated on me in the past for over a year with another woman. He had a strong EA and physical too which he denies. He sent her messages saying he loved her and wanted them to be together, he stayed at her house slept in her bed had pictures of her in her underwear, secretly bought presents for her and her children. She sent him messages like "I like the size of you co*ck" but I was supposed to believe they never slept together. This happened 3 years ago. I found out by investigating his phone.

He tried to blame me and our LDR ( I'd moved 170 miles away for work purposes). We try hard to see each other most weekends but it has been difficult over the years.

I'm also not he easiest person to get on with which I blame on work and tiredness. Sex suffered and this lead to the relationship he had. I begged for him to choose me when I found out and he did. He still doesn't talk to her till now.

Fast forward to now and I resent him for many reasons as he has give up on his career (is a doctor) but locums and does night work hardly and just rarely goes to work. He's not assigned to a training programme. He sleeps a lot during the day. Is awake all night. He jas ver little interaction with other people and is either with his parents doing this as he lives at home aged 31! Or at my house the other 50% of the time.

I am also a professional and work quite hard so sex does suffer on occasion but now I've met someone else at work. I've known him for 5 years but recently become very attracted to him and I don't know why! I think it's not helped by his flirting... I caught him staring at me on many occasions, he compliments me, would fin excuses to touch me and hug me. We went on a few dates and I really did feel a chemistry. A few moths into this he told me he was getting engaged as an arranged marriage ( he is Muslim and all his bothers are married off)

He continued to flirt with me despite this or what I thought was flirting. I invited him round for dinner and he seemed really eager about it. But before it actually happened I told him I had developed feelings for him but was really unhappy because of his engagement ( now his fiancé lives in another country). He told me he was flattered and really did not want to do anything to offend his fiancé but he wanted us to still be friends.

He still came despite this and told me his fiancé would not care. Things have been different since I told him how I felt he has suddenly become very cold and distant in terms of communicating by text and when I see him he holds back.

Now I just want help to get this new guy out of my head and work on my long term LDR but something tells me both are unhealthy and unfulfilling for me and I don't know what to do!

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NameChange30 · 16/02/2016 10:24

"something tells me both are unhealthy and unfulfilling for me"

Yep, you've hit the nail on the head.
Leave your partner, but not for the OM.
Maybe get some counselling to work out why you put up with a shit relationship for so long and to improve your self esteem so you're in a better place to find the right person next time.

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formerbabe · 16/02/2016 10:26

Sorry to sound harsh but I'd forget them both and move on.

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SaucyJack · 16/02/2016 10:29

"Things have been different since I told him how I felt he has suddenly become very cold and distant in terms of communicating by text and when I see him he holds back."

He's either not genuinely interested in you, or in having an affair. Either way he isn't an option. Forget him.

And leave your partner too. He sounds like a dick.

There will be a decent, available bloke out there who wants to be with you. Promise.

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KeepingitReal2 · 16/02/2016 10:29

Long term partner has started to improve on things and making it difficult to leave hin

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ImperialBlether · 16/02/2016 10:32

The right man for you is out there, OP, but it isn't either of these two men. Don't get into a one-to-one situation with the engaged man and end it with your unfaithful partner. It's lucky you live so far away; you won't have to bump into him.

See this as a fresh start.

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KeepingitReal2 · 16/02/2016 10:35

I know I've tried to end it with current partner but he says its 3 years on from his affair and u should be over it now! But I'm not to be honest.

I find myself easily attracted to other men hence this new guy. I got emotionally involved with him despite the fact that I knew he was and is unavailable and now I just want to get him out of my head

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Buzzardbird · 16/02/2016 10:35

You are on a hiding to nothing with both of these people. Your LDR is a complete and utter liar and the OM is engaged and isn't looking for a way out of it.

Time to move on I think?

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Buzzardbird · 16/02/2016 10:38

You must remember how hurt you felt when your partner cheated on you? Well, this is what you are trying to inflict on OM's partner. Don't be that person.

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ImperialBlether · 16/02/2016 10:41

Just say to your boyfriend, "But this is what happens when you cheat. I can't get past it. You are not the man I thought you were when I met you." Then block him. He needs to learn a lesson and you're the woman to teach it.

From then on follow the simple rule, "Do as you would be done to." You hated it when your boyfriend cheated on you, so don't go out with someone who's engaged. FFS, that bit is obvious, surely?

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KeepingitReal2 · 16/02/2016 10:43

Buzzard it'd yes exactly hence why I have kept my distance as well now, just wang to forget him I know he isn't worth it... He is a ladies man flirts with multiple women probably gets involved with other women too loves strip clubs he that kind of man...

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KeepingitReal2 · 16/02/2016 10:48

Yes Imperial I guess he insisted on is still meeting up though look when we first went out I knew nothing about him about to be engaged in fact a mutual friend was trying to set me up with him!

We then all found out about his engagement was a shock but I think it's arranged... He then kept contacting me about meeting up despite his engagement! I think he is a player and loves to know if someone likes him because he is do used to women falling for him

When you are sucked in he is known to lose interest and I fell for it oh well

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seeThereWeAreThen · 16/02/2016 10:51

You don't need an excuse to end a relationships. If you don't want to be in it, you don't want to be in it.

Say its over and stick to it, if he brings up the affair, just say "I know" but thus relationships just isn't what I want anymore. No one can hold a gun to your head to keep you in a relationship.

Oh and don't bother with the other guy either.

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Fairenuff · 16/02/2016 10:51

I've tried to end it with current partner

You haven't tried very hard if you're still with him. Just tell him it's over. You don't live together, you don't have children together. Just stop seeing him.

Delete his number from your phone and block him. Move on. Obviously not with the engaged man.

Not really seeing what the problem is here.

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seeThereWeAreThen · 16/02/2016 10:54

He is a ladies man flirts with multiple women probably gets involved with other women too loves strip clubs he that kind of man

Yeah a real catch then. OP i think you already know its all wrong, you are just denying it.

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TubbyTabby · 16/02/2016 10:54

i love the way he's told you to get over the fact that he shagged someone else behind your back.
what a fuckin' loser.
bin the prick.
please.
you can do better than this.

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eddielizzard · 16/02/2016 10:54

what imperialblether said.

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/02/2016 10:55

I know I've tried to end it with current partner but he says its 3 years on from his affair and u should be over it now! But I'm not to be honest.

You never will be. Sometimes, the damage isn't fixable, despite everyone's best efforts.

Leave him because you'll never be happy together and you deserve better. Find someone who makes you feel attractive and special, like OM, but who doesn't have a partner. Start a proper relationship.

Staying will just prolong this, you'll either split in the end or live the rest of your life unhappy and wishing you had left. You can't force yourself to forgive him, he doesn't sound like he cares too much anyway.

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ShipwreckedAndComatose · 16/02/2016 10:56

I don't think you are attracted to this friend as such, I think you are attracted to the way he makes you feel and that this is completely lacking in your own relationship.

Dump your partner, he is wrong, you are absolutely right to say you are still not over it, and never will be.

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Inertia · 16/02/2016 10:58

Neither man is right for you. Both are lying cheats who expect the women in their lives to shut up and be grateful.

You are under no obligation to forgive and forget your partner's affair - he doesn't get to control your feelings. You are under no obligation to stay in a relationship which doesn't work for you.

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Owllady · 16/02/2016 11:00

Get rid of both of them

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shovetheholly · 16/02/2016 11:04

You know what? Sometimes when we've been brought to a very, very low ebb by being taken for granted, abused, betrayed and generally trodden down, then it feels like anyone who offers us even the slightest bit of positive attention is tremendously exciting and attractive.

You're smart enough to recognise that this isn't about the other man - that he's just a flirt and far from an ideal partner for you. Time to focus on WHY his attention means so much to you - on how you've let your self-esteem crumble to the point that you are taking this crap from your LDR.

Something is stopping you from seeing your current relationship for what it is: a hollow and pretty unrewarding sham that is doing neither you nor your partner much good. What is stopping you from walking? Identifying that will be a good step forward.

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AgathaF · 16/02/2016 11:17

I can't see what great things you're getting out of either of these relationships.

Maybe it's time to walk away from both.

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NameChange30 · 16/02/2016 11:49

Why are you attracted to players, men who cheat? You don't need to tell us but you do need to ask yourself that question.

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Katenka · 16/02/2016 11:56

You need to end it with both.

Tbh your op just reads like a long list of reasons this isn't your fault. He cheated, his job etc

You dp is a dick and you clearly can't move past his cheating. That doesn't give you an excuse.

You know it's wrong.

Neither of these relationships are good for you. End them both and spend sometime working on why you end up being attracted to this type.

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ImperialBlether · 16/02/2016 12:01

Exactly what AnotherEmma says: why are you attracted to players? It worries me that you say you're easily attracted to men. Why is this? Are you going for flattery and superficial qualities? Are you looking deep down at the person or are you looking at the excitement you feel when they talk to you?

I think you should forget both of these losers and have a really good think about why you go for men who will hurt you.

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