To not know what to do with this wild child

[Whizzyloofah]

He is nearly four and out of control most of the time.

He's physically violent: will lash out with hands/legs/objects. He has younger twin brothers who he will climb on, pull their hair, closes doors on them, squeezes their heads/ hands tell them to do things which could/will be harmful (i.e eat this playdough, sit on the arm of the settee, then pushes them off etc).

He isn't really interested in any activities, will either totally refuse to get involved or do it for two minutes, then throw it/ break it/ ruin it.

He can be totally fine, and you'll think brilliant! Then he'll explode and go on a rampage, screaming and just running around, with no obvious intention.

He will refuse to follow instructions, spit and shout "no" or just run away.

We have tried putting him on the naughty step and he does sit on it, but will get off and within minutes have done something else, though sometimes immediately.

We have tried praising for even the smallest acheivements but as soon as there's somehing else that takes my attention, he will do something like wee himself and move around for maximum impact.

We've tried doing lots of activities to keep him busy, and tried the opposite where we do a few, more relaxed and sedate activities so as to not overstimulate him but neither make a difference.

We've tried talking to him about his behaviour, explaining how it makes us feel, and how it could make others feel. As well as asking how it would make him feel if someone did/said that to him/ with one of his toys. He will change the subject and talk about something completely different/ blame his brothers or other people/ deny it completely. We've sspent time with him individually where we've talked about emotions and feelings and he does understand and is able to use appropriate language. He has a wide vocabulary and is able to articulate many things. He will often say "i'm very cross!" But will run off before giving me a chance to help him or find out why. I'll ask him but he just won't cooperate or be distracted.

We've tried a sticker chart but he lost interest really quickly and even different stickers and letting him colour in the squares didn't help.

We've tried giving him inscentives such as a special activity or favourite foods for good behaviour but he will be misbehave and go past the point of a final warning and us saying that he's not having it. Then when the time comes that he should have had/ done the thing he will do something helpful and say "have I been a good boy?".

Saying we're cross, disappointed, sad has no impact whatsoever.

We just don't know what to do to get through to him. He's unreachable most of the time.

Sometimes he can be helpful and gets lots of praise but seconds later can go completely the opposite way. It's not affected by how much he's eaten or slept either. It also doesn't matter who he is with. He will hit and scream at people indiscriminately if he's in the mood, sometimes even young babies and animals and refuses to apologise (not to the animals obviously, but will refuse to stroke them to show some remorse).

Sorry it's a long one but we feel like we really have tried everything. I'm hoping that someone else has been in the same position and can offer some words of wisdom.

[Sirzy]

Does he go to nursery? How is he there?

Are you able to pinpoint any pattern to him starting to kick off? Or any warning signs that things are getting too much for him so you can try to defuse the situations?

Sounds exhausting for you, have you spoken to a HV to see if they can advise? Maybe ask for a referral to a developmental peadiatrican who may be able to help too.

[RandomMess]

He sounds very overwhelmed by everything and not coping possibly?

Def. speak to his nursery/pre-school and the HV and be very very clear that you are not coping etc.

[BarbarianMum]

Has he always been like this, or did this behaviour only develop after hisbrothers were born?

[gandalf456]

My daughter was hell after ds was born when she was four.

Ds was awful at four too. It is a hard age.

Is he better alone or with his brothers? Better out or in the house? Alone or with friends?

[Ellisander]

Definitely speak to a health professional (GP / HV). Has he had lots of ear infections? One of my DCs was like this. Around his 4th birthday he was diagnosed with quite significant hearing loss due to glue ear and scarring. We honestly had no idea that his hearing was impaired (it had been normal until age 2.5 ish, at a guess, so his speech had developed normally and he was very articulate, although could be unclear). At most I had assumed that he had selective hearing and was uncooperative 😳, although he'd been an easy 1- 2 year old. Grommets (and an adeno-tonsillectomy to treat obstructive sleep apnea) turned him into a completely different child. All of a sudden the immense frustration which he must have been feeling was gone, and he didn't have to work so hard just to get through his day.

It's worth considering.

[Whizzyloofah]

Thank you for your replies, he does go to nursery two days a week which he has done since he was one. I have asked them about his behaviour there and they said he's similar there and they put him on time out as well, to continue what we do at home. They also give inscentives and take them away when needed. However, in a class of around 30/35 children, I do wonder how often they don't see/ he gets away with things.

With regards to warning signs, there are none. We have tried so many things but you can never tell how he will rect to something. He could be fine and playing with something really well then all of a sudden just throw it across the room.

He doesn't seem to discriminate between having friends there or not, or if his brothers are there or not. Nor if he is getting lots of attention or none. We try to sit with him and take things completely at his pace so he can decide what he wants to do and doesn't get overwhelmed but even then sometimes he will just misbehave and not stick around.

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

See the gp and ask for a referral . In the mean time go on a parenting course. this will either help with your parenting or, more likely, count as one of the steps to diagnosis.

[Sunnyshores]

Did school have any advice? Do they think he's super naughty or have they seen several like him before (that have calmed down in time)?

It is worth going to your GP and just start the ball rolling for some general health checks (ie ears) and then onto any childcare specialists she suggests.

[YouTheCat]

He's 4. He doesn't get to decide what he wants to do. He sounds overwhelmed with choices. Most 4 year olds are not mentally equipped to make complicated choices, that's why we have to make them for them.

We had a young man in our school last year who sounds very similar. With a bit of maturity, he has calmed down a lot. It also did him good to see that his actions made people cross (not disappointed or sad). He didn't like making people cross and discovered that he actually liked doing well and behaving appropriately. He was also an articulate lad but he was too young to recognise that he was feeling overwhelmed. Now he knows when his temper is rising and he'll seek out an adult who can direct him to a quiet space. He hasn't had an incident in school all year because we have shown him better ways to deal with his feelings and we've been consistent.