AIBU to just be past caring?(7 Posts)
My entire childhood focused around my mum being an alcoholic, every saturday and sunday we would be in the pub 11am-7pm, the drinking carried on at home. Every evening she would get drunk and every day she had holiday would be the 11am-7pm routine.
When she divorced my dad she married an abusive (to me) man who she used to watch hit me over and over and drag me by my hair and snap my phone in half for trying to call my dad. She used to watch and tell me I deserved it because he had her so controlled thanks to the drink and drugs. They split after 5 years and her drinking climaxed with a failing liver that very very nearly killed her. She was forced to get sober.
A few months later she shacked up with another bloke who was abusive and would only let me visit mum very rarely. She started drinking and weed again. Eventually she left him and wormed her way back in with my father, she will always always be the love of his life, she broke his heart and he never so much looked at another woman in the years they were divorced and he took her back on the condition she got sober. She went on a drink detox programme with a course of very nasty drugs to get her sober. Great, she was the lovely mum that she is when sober. 8 months later and she was back to the same drunken mess, huring abuse at me and my father. She did the detox again, the same horrid drugs and the same sober result. Less than 2 months later she is back fucking drinking, she is going to kill herself and I honestly think I am just pass caring
I used to get so upset at her drinking, and now I just don't care. I don't care that she lied to me when I asked straight up because I found the empty bottle of wine in the cupboard. She lied when she stank of stale alcohol and she has returned to that horrible horrible drunk.
Just at the end of my tether, but at the same time I love her so much and I know how much she loves me and my DD. I just don't think I care if she does drink herself into her grave anymore. Part of me doesn't want anything to do with her, but part of me desperately wants a good relationship with her. She is lovely when sober, so truly lovely and kind and funny. Drunk she tells me she doesn't want me or puts me down constantly or makes mean remarks.
SOrry just needed to rant. Just feel so so guilty that I don't even feel like I care anymore, I feel like I should but I don't
Do you have any counselling support available to you? The hurt and pain of what you've gone through must be immense, you have suffered so much.
Your mum has failed you because she has an illness which she can't control. But that doesn't mean you need to be there for her in any way. You need to put yourself first and counselling could be a step towards achieving that.
You can't do anything for her, op. You can't make her sober, only she can.
Yanbu for trying to protect yourself and your daughter.
Hopefully she will get the help she needs.
OP I recommend you try and get your hands on the book Adult Children of Alcoholics (Janet Woititz). It will shed light on all the complex feelings you have and help you understand your mums illness. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Really, focus on helping yourself at this point.
I'm so sorry OP, shame on those who let you suffer those awful childhood experiences. I think you are grown up now, you have a daughter, your own life and every right to grasp an opportunity to be free of this awfulness with both hands.
Each time you've 'cared' your mum has still gone back to alcohol/drugs and it didn't 'work' - no wonder you find yourself struggling to care, it's proved to be of little use, you've just worn yourself out that bit more.
Your mum sounds quite dramatic and vocal, how do you react in the moment? I'd suggest something equally undramatic - shrug, don't bat an eyelid, say nothing and leave (or ask her to leave) - it could be the strongest wake up call your mum ever had.
Your relationship with your mum is the wrong way round, throw off her needs, pressure and unpleasantness and focus on yourself.
Please just focus on yourself and your dd, you've done all you can. Don't feel guilty. .
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