to be upset by MIL

[jododo]

oh I could just scream at the moment. Relationship with MIL has always been rather difficult, but I thought it had got better. Today she's upset that I didn't tell her immediately about a meeting with school to get son statemented (special needs) so they can get much needed funding for all the one-to-one support he's already getting. Honestly it just wasn't on my mind when she phoned. Especially when she was interrogating me with really specific questions, avoiding answering my general chatter, then couldn't get off the phone fast enough as soon as she got her answers. It wouldn't be so bad but I thought things had got better recently. She even stayed over at our house for the first time in 13 years of marriage.
And just to make matters worse, when she finally did speak to me about the meeting (as opposed to the snotty e-mail she sent this morning) I got the distinct feeling she is embarrassed and ashamed about our son's differences.
You know what, I'm not even going to bring up the past upsets. I typed some of it out then deleted. They belong in the past. Isn't this bad enough?

[CandOdad]

Ignore any embarrassment they feel it's a hangover from a generation of "billy in the corner is thick/lazy/black/fat/ginger" and can't be helped. With a mentality that it's the family to blame. If she can't assist in a positive way then don't let her involve herself.

[jododo]

she asked if there was "anything, you know, about his intelligence..."

[Ohfourfoxache]

Could your DH field all calls from her?

The trouble is (and I may be projecting here ) is that you're dealing with someone who doesn't have the intelligence to display empathy or concern. That is if she is even capable of either emotion.

Step away, leave the stupid woman to it and focus on your family. Oh, and don't concern yourself with feeling that you have to have her stay over again - it's unnecessarily stressful for you.

(I say that as someone whose MIL was only concerned as to whether or not I'd had my fanjo stitched after birth - never mind the fact that both DH and I had thought that Ds had died and ended up in SCBU).

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Health and stuff like that is usually considered confidential if you don't have PR for a child and it's parents don't offer the info then obviously it's not your buisness.

[jododo]

yes, I generally defer to DH. Unfortunately that means he argues with her even more than he would otherwise, but that can't be helped. She's a bloody nightmare. Asks questions I'd rather not answer (so why do I???) then doesn't listen to what we do want to talk about. Really gets my hackles raised. Oh, and the staying over at our house, it's not been for lack of invites, I think she just doesn't want to be in my house where she isn't the boss. I'm sure she'll find plenty more excuses not to, and that suits me.

[Ohfourfoxache]

Could you go down the "oh I don't really know" track if she starts asking questions you'd rather not answer? Not only does it avoid giving out too much information, but it has the wonderful consequence of driving the questioner batshit!

Get some stock phrases together
"I don't really know"
"I didn't ask"
"I hadn't thought of that"
"I suppose so/I suppose not"
"He/she didn't say"
"I don't think we talked about that"
"I can't remember"

In terms of DH, all you can do is support him and be a "safety valve". Let him rant if he wants to, but if he doesn't just give him a hug.

[Clearoutre]

She sounds plain nosey rather than interested/concerned for anyone's welfare.

Rather than appease her with information she clearly hasn't earned the right to just get her off your back when she pokes her nose in and say, "Don't worry there's nothing for you to be concerned about. It's all in hand with the school."

If she persists with her specific questions then try something less subtle like,"It's all in hand, I'm not going to go into the details but if there is anything you need to know we'll tell you ASAP."

She sounds like a totally unhelpful person to have around, surround yourself with supportive people and good luck to your son.

[CandOdad]

If you are engaging this then you need to make it clear any info/advice she has is prob outdated. Anything she does say, if it's not right you need to decide yourself if you ignore her of correct her. With some people there is no point, esp. relatives.

[theycallmemellojello]

Hm, she doesn't sound very pleasant to talk to, but at the same time I do understand her upset about not being told about what she sees as a major event. I think her heart is in the right place there, even if she's expressing herself in an unacceptable way. Agree that it's your DH who should be dealing with this bullshit, not you.