to raise this with one of the managers?(15 Posts)
Name changed but a regular
I have a work colleague who started here perhaps October time. She seemed nice at first, perhaps a little cagey but yknow, some people are when they first start. I asked questions and tried to strike up a conversation but after the first few weeks she would give short sharp replies - not just in what she said but HOW she said it. She was drinking soya milk and I mentioned oh, you can get a chocolate one that's quite nice "I dont like chocolate" Oh ok. And other such instances where I ended up thinking well I won't bother if thats her attitude. I would be civil and "Hi X" as she walked through the office but wouldn't engage in conversation with her.
She has been like this with a few other colleagues but certain ones, my god, she is ALL over them. Like really engaging and having a laugh with some and yet others, myself included, would be dead if looks could kill.
I have brushed off the short replies and thought, oh sod it. But a few weeks back, I asked when a client was visiting, as I was busy, would she mind collecting their lunch at the allotted time if I was still snowed under (She was sitting in the meeting but was just observing rather than being an integral part) She said it was fine. I asked her approx 1.5hrs in advance of that time. When the time rolled around, I politely knocked on the door and said "X, as I am still busy, are you ok to collect the lunches?" She gave me look as though I had just asked her to lick shit off my shoe and got up, huffed and stomped off out. I felt quite embarrassed and shown up by her attitude. The following day I spoke to the manager who was in the meeting with her who advised she had noticed the attitude (and that this person is often short and abrupt with her too but she thought it could just be because she is her manager) and would have a word.
Fast forward to the Christmas Do. She sat there arms folded, refused to engage with anyone and you may aswell swallow arsenic if you had tried to. My general manager did and was met with quite rude, uncalled for replies.
I have tried several times to engage in conversation with her when there has been a group conversation but I was aswell speak to the wall as she pretty much ignores me or any responses I get are short/abrupt/rude.
Other colleagues have observed this.
Today. We have milk delivered to work. The communal drinks round has been done. A colleague asked would I like a drink (we arent in the drinks round) and I said yes please. X comes in the kitchen and says "Oh is that all the milk we have left" I called "If theres not a lot of milk, let me know and I'll call the milkman to see where the delivery is" A minute later she walked past with milk in a beaker. Other colleague comes out of the kitchen and says Im sorry, X has just taken most of the milk.
I sent a quick email round to the effect of "If you notice there isnt much milk, and there's no milk outside, please let me know and I'll find out where the milkman is"
I then popped downstairs to speak to the person who has made the communal drinks round as he is also relatively new to the company. X then says "Well isnt the shop open" (there's a cafe up the road) I said well they close at 3. X looked at watch and says well it's 2.55. I said no its ok, leave it, I've called the milkman. X then says no, i'll go and get some milk because we'll want a round later. I repeated I had called the milkman but she ignored me so I went back to my desk. A few minutes later, another colleague calls and says the milk is now outside. I popped to collect it and said "X, I wasn't being funny saying not to bother getting milk, I had called the milkman and didnt want you wasting your money" X then said, well you didnt say the milkman was coming, just that you had called him. I said, well no, I didnt get chance to say it, plus I was waiting for a call back. Again, the way in which she said it has infuriated me. She speaks to me like I am a piece of shit on her shoe.
I try to be friendly with all work colleagues, even those who from time to time I disagree with because at the end of the day, we work together.
I am fed up of feeling like I am subordinate to X and spoken to in the way X does to me. When I came back to my desk I was shaking I was so angry.
AIBU to raise it with the manager I raised it with before?
Stop explaining your actions to her, you're not answerable to her.
You sound like you're over justifying - ignore her as much as you can.
Stop explaining yourself to her and ignore as much as possible. If she speaks to you like shit again, very slowly and calmly say 'I will not speak to you until you learn to speak to me in an appropriate and professional way' and then turn away.
Do you have any responsibility over her? Are you senior to her?
You can't change her. You can only change the way you react to her.
Stop letting her have rent-free room in your head.
If she is polite to you, be polite back but otherwise ignore her.
Do you have to actually work with her much?
Just remember - this too shall pass. She will likely be gone sooner or later.
Only raise it with your manager if she has said or done something tangible, otherwise you may look like you're easily flustered/upset.
Why does your manager think she was only being rude to her because she manages her? Surely that's the last person she should be rude to? (not that she should be rude to anyone).
Definitely bring it up with her manager. Is X on probation in the job as she only started in October or is she full time and has done her probation period? Just asking as it could be something for her manager to bring up in an appraisal meeting.
Thank you for your replies. I guess I just like to be liked (sound so big headed but honestly not!) and I dont like having to work with someone that speaks to/treats me like shit without, as far as I am aware, any reason.
I am not senior to her and she is in a different department so nor is she senior to me if that makes any sense?
I think her manager thinks perhaps she is abrupt/curt because she's a manager, as opposed to being jokey etc - kind of making a divide if that makes sense?
I know after the lunch incident that her manager said to her that someone had approached her (the manager) about how X is speaking with them (mentioning no names) and perhaps she ought to treat people how she would like to be treated.
I assume she is still on probation - i think the period is 6ms so til April I would guess?
There is no rule that you have to be friends with everyone you work with. Continue to be polite, but don't engage with her.
She sounds difficult. Might be for lots of reasons. I understand the wanting to be liked thing because I am also a bit like that. However, as you probably already know you can waste a lot of time trying to win someone over who's actually just generally high maintenance even if they do become your friend - then your time gets eaten up with ministering to whatever they're angry about this week or trying to mediate between difficult friend and other people. I'd just speak to her when necessary, and not particularly go out of my way to speak to her when not, without being unfriendly.
There you go. Hopefully she'll be gone in the spring-cleaning
There have been a few weirdos like this at my workplaces, sooner or later, they were pushed out or just left. Nothing is forever, thankfully.
It's the seemingly nice but manipulative ones you need to watch out for. At least this colleague seems straightforward in her rudeness!
If she is simply being unsociable, curt, abrupt and not wanting to chat - I would personally leave it. Only raise it with a manager if she is consistently and unquestionably rude. The milk thing sounds silly and irritating but not worth bothering a manager with.
The lunch thing - yes that was unprofessional and uncalled for and you were right to raise it.
The management will be aware that she's prickly and unsociable. Leave it to them and simply do not engage with her apart from continuing to say good morning, good night whatever.
Stop explaining yourself, she isn't your superior. Report to your manager if its something tangible like the lunch incident. The milk is too minor.
If she's this way with her own manager as you have suggested she's more her problem and is not going to be lasting too long.
Yes, do stop explaining yourself. You are simply undermining yourself, confirming in her head that you are inferior.
Maybe just have a set of innocuous sentences you can trot out, should she glare. Nothing PA, just a cheery "Morning" or "Thank you" or "As you wish"
Otherwise just smile at whatever she does, smile, smile, smile.
I agree with gin, you're obviously never going to be friends so move on and stop letting her bother you.
Pft! So there's sod all milk yet and she goes and pilfers most of it in a beaker, instead of letting everyone enjoy a bit in their brew? Cheeky mare, you should've let her go to the shop and buy her own milk if she's going to do silly things like that.
In future, just be bare minimum civil and ignore, she'll get bored of working with people she has no intention of liking and move on soon enough
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