Aibu to be sentimentally attached to some things and not want dh to take them to work so that I never see them again(23 Posts)
H has a workshop he goes to every day. He has a tendency to bring mugs from home and they then lie festering there. I found a mug someone had given me full of mould. This morning he tried to take the same mug with him (but I poured his tea into a different mug). Just now he has popped back in and was about to take a mug given to us by our dd. I asked him if he could take a different one and he said no and nor was he going to do anything about bringing it back (when i said could he bring it back). I also this morning found a 3rd mug - that dd received in her stocking - on the floor of his van rolling around with tools etc...
I have a problem with nostalgia but he has a stash of his own "anonymous" mugs at his workshop so what is the problem with bringing things back? He says if I want them I can go and get them.
It didn't help that he then tried to take a teatowel given to me by my mum who died 9 years ago and I asked him not to take it. If he was the kind of person who returned things then yes but all that would happen would be that it would fester at his workplace, probably be used to clean the floor and then be binned.
I could buy a whole load of blank mugs for when he wants to drink tea in the van but he is not the kind of person who listens.
I know this is a non problem or probably a smokescreen for the fact that there is no affection between us (and for a long time I minded his distance from me and the fact that he never touches me - I made more of an effort to be close to him - but I have oddly stopped caring ) but am wondering if anyone else has a problem with being sentimentally attached to things?
(And I will get new teatowels and put the ones my Mum gave me away as clearly if they are that much of an issue for me they should not be out being used.)
Is he doing this to wind you up?
Do you think it is time to call this relationship a day? It doesn't seem worth it some how.
I think you're right that you have bigger problems, he sounds like a complete prick nor was he going to do anything about bringing it back. Who does he think he is?
My sister does this, drives me insane!! She was staying with me a while and kept spiriting off mugs etc. to work as "the lads don't have mugs and do I want to see them go without?"!! Also takes stuff from my mum's - Hoovers/coffee machines/ juicers - so you go to do/get something and the implement has vanished.
It smacks of selfishness, entitlement and refusal to take responsibility for things - i.e. rather than it being their problem to ensure they have adequate supplies you are being the "mean one" denying them and their workmates of what they need and they look like the hero...But in your husband's case it seems as if some of it is deliberate also? Especially given the otherwise lack of affection in your relationship.
I don't think it's your sentimentality that is the issue here OP, sorry.
It's a very passive aggressive act. He takes the mugs, which seems like an innocuous thing to do, then when you want it back you said to be being fussy/sentimental/petty. Even though it is extremely easy to bring the mug back, he intentionally won't do it.
I don't think he is doing it to wind me up but is quite a chaotic kind of person. I think he is entitled yes - it's not difficult to set something aside to bring it back later but I guess he has 25 things going through his mind at the same time and can't think about mugs.
I am glad people don't seem to think iabu as I was feeling a bit petty.
thegreyhoover do the appliances your sister borrows ever return? That kind of things of makes you feel that you are not safe in your own home if you don't know if you are going to be able to hang on to things like your hoover from one minute to the next...
Get him a super-duper "manly" stainless steel Thermos travel mug and make sure he brings that, and only that, back and forth.
No travel mug, no tea.
Yes people get a sentimental attachment to things and if they belong to them then other people should respect that. Your DH doesn't respect this. But you say he's not doing it deliberately so that's something at least. Maybe it's time to start evaluating the whole relationship and decide if it is best you continue to be together in the long term.
What point do you think that he feels he's making? 'I won't be told what to do, use or feel about other people's stuff?'
That. That's exacteky what came thriough my mind when I read your OP. Alongside why are you doubting yiourself that this isn't acceptable behaviour???
Some of the stuff could be seen as 'yoyurs' together but some of them are YOURS and he has no right to treqt other people's belonging that way and certainly not with the contempt he is showing.
That's nothing to do with being cahotic. A disoprganised person would say 'Oh I'm sorry. I'll bring it back'. They might say it and then forget or they will happily take another mug.
What he is doing is very different.
"I asked him if he could take a different one and he said no and nor was he going to do anything about bringing it back"
That just strikes me as nasty for the sake of it.
My husband might call me daft& roll his eyes, but he'd indulge me.
I fully understand, and assure you that you are NOT BU. He is being a passive aggressive shit. My dh will use any mug for anything, any piece of fabric for anything, any knife or pair of scissors to cut anything (sob) but would understand if I said, hey, no, not that one! He thinks I'm daft, but picks up another. His refusal to at least try to return things is just not on, as is using dd's gifts. You could try a bit of tit for tat - using some of his best tools for dreadful purposes, so he might understand.
YANBU. I to have sentimental attachments to items, but I know some people dont. This is not the issue - its the fact you do and hes not respecting this. Which means hes not respecting you. Being chaotic, as Woodheaven says would mean they promise to bring it back but forget etc. Not a deliberate "No Im not going to bother".
Sorry this sounds intentional to hurt you.
Pack away somewhere safe your sentimental items and claim you have no idea where they are if he asks.
Why is he drinking from a normal mug in the car??! Surely if he stops suddenly, it'll go everywhere? Why doesn't he get a travel mug? /misses point of thread.
I find it hard to keep a straight face when discussion emotional attachment to a teatowl. Sorry, OP. But when you say:
"this is a non problem or probably a smokescreen for the fact that there is no affection between us (and for a long time I minded his distance from me and the fact that he never touches me - I made more of an effort to be close to him - but I have oddly stopped caring confused) but am wondering if anyone else has a problem with being sentimentally attached to things?"
please believe me that I'm not laughing. This does not sound like a loving, rewarding or fulfilling relationship for you. I'm not surprised you're emotionally investing in material objects to compensate. There are much bigger issues here than crockery, though the mugs may be a kind of symbol for much wider things that are going wrong.
it's not difficult to set something aside to bring it back later but I guess he has 25 things going through his mind at the same time and can't think about mugs
I have a busy job, but don't forget about mugs. He is perfectly able to remember mugs, he just doesn't want to. Doesn't sound a nice bloke to me.
Hi OP usually my mum goes into my sis office to retrieve them, after a time. She has improved a bit recently but it also annoys me when mum does it as it's enabling her and pandering to her. My parents are always breaking glass coffee cafetiere's so I bought them a metal one, the next time I went to visit it and went to have a coffee it was...yep you guessed it!! I blew a bit of a gasket and I think it helped my mum see more clearly how selfish sis was being and how it is impacting on other people, pull her up on it more and enable her less, and then my sister in turn has become a bit less selfish as she was feeling the consequences more.
I agree with the others who sat it is NOT because he is chaotic. He says he won't so it. It is a classic act of passive agression. You have a problem on your hands I am afraid to say.
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