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To just need to vent about this bullying

(18 Posts)
NorthernLurker Thu 07-Jan-16 19:54:31

Dd is 8. She's definitely quirky grin, loves reading, loves making people laugh, wicked comic timing which she'd had ever since she could talk basically. It has always been apparent that whilst she has friends and is popular both at school and with friends at church, she also sometimes has been on the receiving end of rather unpleasant behaviour from so called friends of the 'we don't like you, you can't play' variety. We have always encouraged her to be honest with us about this but also to be robust and not feel she has to change herself to make people like her. I think she has reasonable self esteem but it's also definitely quite fragile and I keep a close eye on this.
Which is why I felt absolutely furious and upset on her behalf today when after school club told me they had found a piece of paper with 'We hate NL's dd' written on it. I don't think that was all that was on it but that's the bit the told me about. They had, quite rightly, taken it to the school to deal with as it appeared it was produced in school time (Two wet playtimes today has bred much trouble I think). They also spoke to the parents of the child who had this as well as to the child, making it clear it was unacceptable. I haven't asked dd about it but she spontaneously told me this evening after getting upset. Apparently they set up a 'we hate NL's dd' club today. angry

I know school will deal with this. I have faith in their intentions and their ability to manage this and thankfully dd is supported not only by dh and I but also by her two big sisters who she adores and who are more than capable of making her feel brilliant. I am also very grateful that after school club were vigilant and pro-active. But still, I feel wretched that she has had this happen and just need to vent. AIBU to think that bullying is just truly awful, no matter the age of the child involved.

Btw I have some lovely RL friends who either definitely or possibly know my name here. If you're reading this, don't worry. all will be ok and no need to talk about it in RL. I'll only get worked up and upset. This is my coping mechanism grin Just couldn't be bothered to look up my password and namechange grin

RickOShay Thu 07-Jan-16 20:11:59

I am sorry to hear this. Just to remind you, it is the other children who have the issues not your lovely dd. You are right that she shouldn't change who she is, it is important that she accepts herself for the way she is. Hope all is well. flowers

Princecharlesfirstwife Thu 07-Jan-16 20:15:22

Vile vile children. I like to think my dcs would never do such thing, but if they did and i found out they would be hung drawn and quartered lose screen time and sweet Friday for a considerable length of time I would be so disappointed.

I have a 9 yr old dd. She's just been made sixer at Brownies. Her 'friend' X, who is seconder, is deeply jealous and refusing to speak to dd except to say 'i should have been 6er instead of you'. I realise it's not at the same level as your dd's bullying, but my poor dd - she should be happy, instead of which she's having to fend off accusations from this girl about her abilities to do the role. And I'm finding myself having to try and give dd ways to deal with it ('X take your issues to brown owl') rather than telling her to say what in my head i would like her to say which i actually can't repeat here.

I'm glad your school is dealing ok with it. And continues to deal ok with it.

NorthernLurker Thu 07-Jan-16 20:46:42

Thank you both smile Yes there is a lot that needs to stay in my head too. It's the mummy tiger thing isn't it? But I know these are just kids and they need support in not behaving like this which I'm more than happy for them to have. I didn't ask dd who it was, I don't want to know.

IamtheZombie Thu 07-Jan-16 21:15:51

NorthernLurker, whenever Zombie sees your name she thinks of a lovely, strong woman.

You will help your DD through this and you will both come out the other side shining that bit more brightly.

NorthernLurker Thu 07-Jan-16 22:05:46

Thank you Zombie. That's very kind. Hope you're doing ok.

IamtheZombie Thu 07-Jan-16 22:14:13

Zombie is fine, NL. She just keeps shuffling along. Life is good.

PlummyBrummy Thu 07-Jan-16 22:17:16

I'm so sorry to read this. Being the veteran of a couple of similar campaigns myself, I can empathise very strongly. What is really heartening is to read of the support that she has from all sorts of different angles: that's brilliant. I wish I'd had something like that myself and will certainly be looking to provide the same for my DDs if and when they find themselves in a similar situation. You're doing an excellent job OP.

ZebraOwl Thu 07-Jan-16 22:46:36

NorthernLurker
Oh that's grim. On stilts. Children can be really brutal. There was a Facebook group devoted to mocking my "baby" cousin (& planning new ways to torment him) when he first started secondary school. They thought they were safe, knowing he wasn't allowed a FB account until he turned 13. They'd not considered the fact his siblings are all 10-16 years older than him & thus WERE on Facebook. I've had to deal with various issues surrounding bullying as a volunteer with Girlguiding as well. And when I was Head Girl I came in to help with "my" Year 7 form & found a group of them forcing one girl to kneel with her head in the bin. She was sobbing hysterically & begging to be let out & luckily the Year 7s didn't stop to consider/didn't realise that I didn't have any actual POWER (but was somehow expected to keep order, thanks for that school) & the culprits DID go upstairs & report themselves to their Director of Studies while I sent their target to the toilets with a friend to clean up so I could do the register & send that back upstairs, then went to see the poor kid who was still half-crying when I got to her. Sent her & her friend off to afternoon lessons with notes to explain, went to see the Director of Studies, then eventually got to my own afternoon lessons... My school was abysmal at tackling bullying though: I persuaded, with much difficulty, a Y9 to go to her Senior Tutor about cyber bullying. Senior Tutor refused to let me stay with terrified!Y9 & her response was "it's not happening in school, so we can't do anything". Their idea of pastoral care was to pretend that Nothing Was Wrong, mind you, so I suppose that would make sense.

It might be worth looking up the names/stories of some famous people who were bullied, to help show your DD that it's no reflection on her & that she can go on to be anything she wants to be. Bullying can be so confidence crushing...

Sorry to hijack your thread a bit, but Princecharlesfirstwife, have you told your DD's Brown Owl this is going on? I'd want to know if this was happening in my Unit - & I'd be telling that Seconder if she didn't buck her ideas up she risked losing that role! (I've taken away two Sixer badges in my time & on both occasions I think I've felt even worse about it than the children in question. But in my Unit the role carries quite a lot of responsibility & they'd had lots of warnings, chances to change/inpro

ZebraOwl Thu 07-Jan-16 23:01:13

Gah! Affectionate headbutting by cat = accidental posting! Sorry!

What I was saying was the badges were taken away after lots of chances to change behaviour & warnings & discussion with parents. Another child wasn't put into the role in their place, but the Seconder stepped up as they would if the Sixer wasn't there. Not easy, but both children, when they got their badges back - after an agreed period of (MASSIVELY) improved behaviour - said they were really glad I'd done it. And sorry I'd needed to.

But anyway, yes, I'd certainly want to know if I had a Seconder chuntering away like that. I always talk to Brownies who're taking on new roles to explain why they've been given said role & let them ask questions about it - & if there's a child who I think might feel that they've been passed over, I'll make sure to talk to them as well. They're all desperately keen to be Sixers/Seconders but when you have a gaggle the same age one may have to wait & that usually depends on who's in which Six/if moving Brownie X makes more sense than moving Brownie Y would in the long term - it's not I've got a swarm who think they have a RIGHT to do it, it's that I have a lot of Brownies who'd be very worried that not being picked means that "Snowy Owl Thinks I Am Not A Good Enough Brownie" &/or that they've Done Something Wrong. So it's about reassurance & positive reinforcement over here, not squashing entitlement. (I am a lucky owl, me. And so SO excited about seeing my Brownies tomorrow. I was in hospital most of December so it's been a whole month - & the big ones have moved to Guides now <<sob>> - & we have a Pow-wow to have & there are SO MANY COOL THINGS TO DO THIS TERM. Ahem. Sorry. And extra sorry to NorthernLurker for my wild digression all over your message. I probably am even more excited than the Brownies, yes...)

But, to return to the actual questio

Devora Thu 07-Jan-16 23:01:50

Oh, I do sympathise NL. My 10 yo is going through similar with her group of 'friends' - telling her she's fat, she smells of poo etc. The bit that upset me most was when, having school lunch, her 'best friend' asked her if she wanted a drink, then slowly poured water all over her food.

I have known these children, and their deep-in-denial mothers, for years. I have secret fantasies about pulling them into dark corners for 'a word' - you can take the girl out of Sarf London...

ZebraOwl Thu 07-Jan-16 23:05:53

Oh. Good. Grief. Cat!headbutt again. The other cat though...

Basically, just wanted to reiterate YANBU. Very definitely not at all even the very tiniest bit. It sounds as if you're giving your DD lots of help & support - am sure you've looked at all the online stuff like Beat Bullying etc - and helping her to develop a positive attitude & strong sense of self belief & healthy self-esteem. To which I say yay you, frankly. And also yay for your DD.

Much less yay for my cats' insistence on "helping" me contribute to this thread. Although they might have had a point about my being rather too verbose...

tinyterrors Thu 07-Jan-16 23:36:50

I second pp that it's the others with issues not your dd. What's happened is awful but she's lucky to have so much support at home.

I hate bullies with a passion. I was bullied all through high school and it near on destroyed me. I've told my dcs that bullying is unacceptable and if they're ever part of bullying they'll lose everything fun for a long time.

My dd has had a love/hate relationship with one of her best friends this year, one minute they hate each other and the next they want each other round for tea. It's not as bad as what's happened to your dd but it's been a nightmare, thankfully I know the other mum so we've tackled it together.

What's happened to your dd needs sorting quick sharp. Imo bullying like this is worse than physical bullying, if you get a bruise it goes away but things like this can stay with you.

Blueturquoise Thu 07-Jan-16 23:43:10

I have a quirky and brilliant dd too and we ve had a similar incident last year (not so much a hate club but ganging up against.
It s completely unfair and so difficult to support your own child through when you re hurting for them too so I completely get where you re coming from. Bullying is just shit, it s horrible,
Unmn hugs for you and dd X

80schild Thu 07-Jan-16 23:52:18

Really sympathising and feeling for you op. I remember being bullied in primary and at that age it does leave it's mark a bit. Maybe that is why there are so many ducked up adults. The good news is the school is dealing with it. So many schools and parents pretend it doesn't happen.

I wonder if mn should have its own anti bullying campaign or at least be more vocal on the subject? At least once a week there is a thread like this and I feel so sad and strongly about it.

knobblyknee Thu 07-Jan-16 23:53:37

I'd be horrified if I had a power mad kid...luckily mines like yours *phew. I referred to the other kid as Hitler. grin

NorthernLurker Fri 08-Jan-16 08:17:35

Thanks for all the support smile

StillStayingClassySanDiego Fri 08-Jan-16 08:26:19

Bless her, and you < offers friendly pat on shoulder>.

I'm sure school will knock this on the head, I can imagine how awful it is.

Your dd sounds gorgeous btw.

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