Am I just a mean person ?(11 Posts)
After another family ishoo , I'm beginning to wonder if I'm just a bad apple
I have very rarely (never?) had a falling out with my friends - some I've known for over 12 years . No issues with work colleagues / general people .
"Family " is my issue . I've been betrayed in trust by my family in my younger years.
My father walked out when I was small and never looked back . Mum sold me out to save her own back in my late teens . My step parents I rarely see , they don't make an effort . I feel like I tried before seeing the one way street it was and giving up - but that could be my perception .
I get on great with my PIL - not so much my BIL. There have been major rows , some admittedly , which have been down to my stubbornness , but mostly have been down to BIL inability to discuss - he verbally attacks .
I suffer from anxiety and I can be over sensitive and find it hard to put things in to perspective .
So today , I've had a disagreement, not an argument, with my sister over something which has been brewing for a while.
It will blow over . But I feel like shit .
I feel like maybe I'm the problem and that I'm not easy to get along with ?
Recently friends have told me I'm a good friend and a lovely person .
I'm caring , show empathy etc. I'm friendly .
But if I'm wronged , I don't forget it easily . My unwillingness to be a doormat can be perceived as being awkward or stubborn.
I will help others - provided I feel like I can count on them too . If I know they are not willing to return the favour , (not the same as not being able to) then I won't offer or go out my way.
I think I'm like this because I'm been treated like rubbish from the very people I should be helping - I.e family .
Is it just me ?
Am I selfish or do others find they fall out with a lot of family ?
Your Mum sold you out? does that mean what I think? (Naïve) No, you are not mean by the sound of things,, you sound like someone who has had a dreadful upbringing with no support or security. I have no good advice for you but it sounds like you have had a rotten time, I am sorry for that. Someone wiser than me will be along very soon
Impossible to say without meeting you!
Do you behave differently with your family vs friends?
Are you holding on to a lot of baggage with your family- maybe that's it and your not being as lovely and nice as you would if it were your friends?
Let go of the hate. Treat everyone in your life well.
There's a lot of truth in the old adage "you choose your friends but not your family".
Sorry you are having such a rough time
Oh dear she didn't literally sell me
I mean she betrayed me to cover her lies - blamed me for something I didn't do . And the others followed suit .
I do think I hold a lot of baggage towards my family because of how they've treated me . I feel very pushed out too which doesn't help . I do try to be nice but it gets on my last nerve when I feel attacked by them or that I'm making all the effort.
I don't have baggage as such with BIL , but his repeated wrong doings have meant I've got a grudge . Again I try to be civil but he (or me?) always ends up messing it up. I just can't stand his attitude .
Oh gosh, sorry!! wrong end of the stick indeed, nevertheless the people who should have taken care of you have all let you down badly. Can you distance yourself from them? Is there anyone you trust to talk it all through with?
You talk about your steparents and how they dont make an effort, well why dont you make an effort with them? your dad walked out when you were little, that happens to lots of children.
I will say something dont spend the next 30 years carrying this baggage around with you, its not worth it, look to the future not the past.
As for the disagreement with your sister you dont actually say what it is, you just bring your past up,so how can expect people to say your right and its not you? you cant. have you thought about counscelling?
This is a difficult one.
From my own perspective I have know people who are lovely to their friends and always difficult around their family. One woman was like that as she hated the concept of being forced to interact with anyone.
She loved her friends as she had chose them.
The other was like you op, never had a good relationship with her family.
It's really impossible to say wether it's you or not.
Me and my sil rub each other up the wrong way. Whenever the conversation gets anywhere near confrontational, I walk away or change the subject really loudly. Or ask someone else a question to involve them In The conversation
It really depends on what your BIL and sister have done really.
It's difficult to say, you say you are stubborn and hold a grudge does this make you automatically on the defensive, or looking for any little thing that could be perceived as a slight or you being 'attacked'?
It may be that you approach your family almost looking for a fight or for a reason to feel snubbed, etc., and things that in any other circumstance would not upset you always do when your it's your family or other people you dislike and feel obliged to interact with.
Perhaps you have been a scapegoat by people for their problems?
Are you quite independent? That annoys alot of families for some reason
You are not alone OP, I'm told (and to my detriment) I'm incredibly selfless, giving and charitable
doormat. I'm working on not giving too much of myself in future. Currently going through an extremely traumatic breakup for the second time in 3 years. Break ups due to controlling and bullying issues with each XP. This has made me realise that DB controls and bullys me and has since I was a child. I stood up to him about something relatively trivial the other day and got called selfish and a let down amongst other things. He is now not speaking to me, and now DS has followed suit. So here I am at the lowest point in my life with neither sibling being supportive for me nor my DCs. Forget about them, choose your friends and cherish them. I'm seeking counselling.
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