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AIBU?

to reject or reach out to ex's family

18 replies

Opi · 28/12/2015 11:59

I helped my ex this week when his family did not. He had an emergency op and I gave him a lift home and looked after him for the first 4 days. Now his family have turned up (grown up children), and my two sons (with the ex) have gone to the ex's house which is 5mins walk away.

Over the year since we parted his family have been horrid, to the point the ex's eldest son - call him Doug - had as good as cut us off (me and our two ds's). Now Doug is saying (via ex) he'd like to say thank you to me in person. The point of the boys going round was for him to make amends.

My dilema, my first reaction was to be a bit of a twit really and I refused to go to the ex's to 'say hello' and receive my thanks. I got tearful (off the phone, on my own but infront of ds aged 11) just finding the pain too much of going to face Doug (and all he has already said in the past) at his dads house, with his new girfriend there, his sister on the way. I just feel ganged up on - The relationship was ended with dv support to me, that only ended just before Christmas, almost a year since I first called them. Ex has them all convinced I was the abuser. Now this.

My true colours are to phone back (now its an hour and a half ago that the ex called to invite me down too) and to say I'm walking the dog to the park and if Doug wants to meet me there the invite is open. Point being it could bring a bit of peace for my ds's (esp the 11yr old) who knows how much his family hate me.

I feel vulnerable and scared, but also like an opportunity will be missed if I dont find the courage to call and make the offer.

I think I'm going to call, but Mnet you have called be back from the brink before of being too vocal, ready to speak, is this a clanger or a chance.

Thank you, any words, single or otherwise much appreciated, XOpi

OP posts:

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allnewredfairy · 28/12/2015 12:23

OP I didnt want to read and run and have got a little confused towards the end of your post. On the face of it I think suggesting a casual meet up in the park would be fine. Do you feel strong enough to do this without any company? I can see why you wouldn't want to face up to his family en masse.
My only worry would be if Doug started to dredge up the past but I guess you can only go on what you've been told his intention is.
Good Luck in whatever you decide OP

Opi · 28/12/2015 14:10

Thanks for your reply fairy. I did stop by his house on my way down, and no-one wanted to come to the park, but his dd did come out to speak. It's clear how much my ex has turned them against me but I wished them well and left. The ex appears to be manipulating the communications today too, and his son had not said anything about wanting to See me according to his sister, it was more in passing. Basically I got set up, but I'm glad I tried. I think I could do a bungee jump and not be scared right now! XOpi

OP posts:

Jengnr · 28/12/2015 15:08

Why did you help out this horrible abuser? Leave him be and just have minimal contact for child issues. They all sound horrible.

Hope you are ok?

Opi · 28/12/2015 17:16

I tried ringing the hospital to explain that I could not look after him but the ward nurse said they don't get involved with domestic issues, just not interested. I went through the marac process to get him out, but I think he orchestrated this from the start by saying to the hospital I'd help, but to his family / me that the hospital would not. I said no to helping from the start (October) to 23rd when he was discharged.

Bless you for asking Jengnr, I'm not ok.

I don't know what is going on now. Ex is sat in the middle of his cottage full of relatives, post op full of morphine crying like it's a stage ( well he was when I passed with the dog)( only Opi came to my aid, thank God for Opi etc)

I'm finding it all creepy tbh. All of the work I've done on boundaries is lost for ds's and me. He lives 5 mins away walking so very hard to not help when I have mine and his children watching him drop if I don't. Thanks for asking J, I can't ring my mum. XOpi

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/12/2015 17:38

Oh opi, this bloke is a horrible fucker.

I don't really know what else to say, sorry I can't offer any useful advice.

RandomMess · 28/12/2015 17:43

He is back home, back off at 1,000 mph and start rebuilding those boundaries asap.

Huge hugs for being a far better person than him x

honeyroar · 28/12/2015 17:52

You did a lovely thing. You were kind. Shut the door on it. Don't let him or his family drag you into anything else. He's still clearly a weirdo manipulating everyone. You don't have to play anymore.

Opi · 28/12/2015 20:02

Oh thank you! X I've just spoken to a dear friend, who said exactly the same.

Finding myself feeling ready to act.. tomorrow I'm going to phone my DV support lady whose number I have for emergencies.

He has just phoned to say his family have all gone home, but our ds's are still there. I told him this won't continue (one ds staying to phone for help in case he falls) (after today's drama) I'm going in a minute to collect the eldest.

He has a sister who offered to come and stay but can't get here. I offered day 1 to collect her, she does not drive. She was away for Christmas, but is back now. Now he just said he wants to ring her first and see if he's in the mood to see her. Ummm no....either I'm driving her here, or him there.

will find out what's going on with her in a minute. Off to get ds

Thank you for being here xOpi

OP posts:

RandomMess · 28/12/2015 20:45

He's so being a controlling arse isn't he!!!

Limit your offer - either option on x day or forget me helping anymore.

Opi · 28/12/2015 21:35

Oh give me strength, now she can't come.

Waiting at ex's while he spoke to her, could hear her saying can't Opi look after you? He relishing the drama, oh the boys will have to keep staying. He then keeps me waiting and rings his other sister who is also going on holiday (but is praying for us) and also says can't Opi do it? I just want to get home and say I'm off see you in the morning, and he hangs out the door saying 'what have I done' in a wounded voice.

I do not know how I ever took his games on a daily basis. I just want to drive away.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 28/12/2015 21:40

Take your boys home and tell him to Pay £££££ for some care he is not your problem anymore!!!!

GinBunny · 28/12/2015 22:28

Opi please look after yourself here, he is manipulating you again. His family are happy to shirk their responsibilities - they sound peas in a pod, putting their own needs first and that's what YOU need to do too.
Call your DV support worker as soon as you can and walk away. Maybe if you aren't there someone else will step up and if they don't then that's not your problem. Neither is he.

QueryQuery · 28/12/2015 22:41

It is not your responsiblility. Walk away. Do not answer his calls or messages.

He is an adult. Either he finds someone to help, pays for help, or rings the ward and tells them he can't cope and they can bloody sort something out. Or, and I wouldn't be surprised if he managed this, he can get off his lazy are and manage to look after himself. Chances are he doesn't even need babying.

MammaTJ · 28/12/2015 22:47

You have already been sucked in more than is good for you! Step away and refuse to be controlled by these people any more. I do mean 'these people', his sisters are as bad as him!

The nurses on the ward were also only concerned with clearing the bed, I have witnessed that before!

MammaTJ · 28/12/2015 22:50

Good point about the chances being he no longer actually needs help.

What was the op?

Opi · 30/12/2015 14:17

It was a decompression I think, some bone off two or three vertebrae.

My dv worker is off this week. The lady at the help desk was lovely, and you and she have helped recharge my resolve. My strategy, for me and my boys, is to step back really quickly now. Back to set visiting times. Asa term starts, no help daytime, no sleepovers, visit after school to lay the fire. He can drive then too so the end is in sight.

I think the worst is over and that I have found l can be safe from his crap even if I'm in his house for a few more days.

Then a funny thing happened ex sis, who I thought was coming, rang when I was out. I rung her back, and in a nutshell she is gets it, what all of you have been saying. Has been manipulated by ex against me and drained by his needs. His endless need for sorrow it seems.

What is clear is he has orchestrated this. He discharged himself on Xmas eve for example. Can I stop for coffee later he says, needs adult company. Got my running seven league super feckoff boots ready.

So was ibu? Looks like things are hoi g to be ok, just need the dust to settle and him back out my life.

Thanks you mnet for helping me out. XXOpi

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 30/12/2015 16:25

Well done for continuing to be strong!

Nice bonus that his sis recognises some of what has happened too.

RandomMess · 30/12/2015 18:03

Urgh he's such a horrid piece of work!!

Needs adult company FFS then he'll have to change won't he and build some friendships...

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