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AIBU?

to want him out of our lives completely

18 replies

blacksheep2014 · 14/12/2015 17:59

Hi there,

I'm trying to see things from my mums point of view so would appreciate your wisdom mums.

My brother is 25 and has long term drug addiction query mental health issues. He lives in chaos and drags us all down with him. In the past 6 months alone he has 12 criminal charges pending, everything from serious assault, to housebreaking (my house) and vandalism.

He's constantly lying to and manipulating my parents. DM lives abroad with my step dad and my younger DB. Dad lives some distance from me and has my much younger sister to care for. A lot of the admin of keeping track of him (making sure he's still breathing) falls to me. I find myself an unwilling expert on sheriff court processing times, mental health ward admission criteria etc. My google history is horrendous.

Due to bail conditions my brother is not allowed to approach or contact me or even spend time in the community where I live and the same conditions stand for my dad.

I still get near daily updates from my mum. He goes AWOL approx once a month, and we usually find him in police custody, as we did this weekend. He's hurting so many people, families affected by his temper tantrums. It makes me feel sick. The question of remand appears to be a joke although its clear it would be the safest option.

For the first time tonight I've told my mum that I want him out of our lives. I want her to stop contacting him as he's poisoning our family. AIBU? Mum argues that he is ill and he has spent time detained under the mental health act but no diagnosis as such, just drug induced psychosis.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far. Needed a rant. I'm not overly concerned about outing myself so should mention that we are in Scotland as it changes the legal stuff.

OP posts:

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Griphook · 14/12/2015 18:05

Yanbu to no longer want contact, but yabu to try to ask your mum to do so. I sort of understand a bit where you are coming from (personal experience) and if someone doesn't want help there is nothing you can do. Maybe go nc for 6 months or so and see how you feel afterwards. As long as it makes you feel better but sometimes it's easier to know where they are.

yorkshapudding · 14/12/2015 18:06

First of all, have some . Having an addict in the family is soul destroying, particularly one who doesn't want to help themselves or accept meaningful help from others.

YWNBU to cut ties with your brother for your own safety, sanity and wellbeing. You would be unreasonable to insist your Mum do the same. That has to be her decision. You can, however, tell her that you don't want to be updated on his latest exploits as it's too upsetting and she should respect that.

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 18:07

Even if he is ill, does it matter? The damage he does is still real.

Yanbu.

I think it would be best for your family to know him safely locked up somewhere. Your mother too - she'd want him to get treatment for his drug addiction, doesn't she?

SparklyLeprechaun · 14/12/2015 18:13

Yanbu to go nc if you want to. But it will be much harder for your DM to detach herself. I don't think I could do it if one of my children went down that route, they would still be my child.

ImperialBlether · 14/12/2015 18:19

Her mother is safely abroad, though, isn't she? And she has support from her husband.

blacksheep2014 · 14/12/2015 18:23

We all want him safe, even I can still say that. Medicated, monitored and, most importantly stopped from hurting other people. We've been everywhere to try and get help. NHS were brilliant until he became embroiled in criminal justice and now they appear to have washed their hands of him. Cant blame them. He's accused of some pretty serious violent stuff. But no one seems to be able to tell me where we go next.

I worry that my mum is going to end up ill with the stress of keeping in touch with him alone. He calls her all the time, begging for money, threatening suicide and or violence against others. I didn't want her to be isolated with that but its too much for me so I will have to go nc for a time.

OP posts:

Unreasonablebetty · 14/12/2015 18:28

Hi OP, please excuse me for bein blunt here, but I suffer from mental health issues, many of them! So please don't think I am speaking as someone who knows nothing of mental illness or the disastrous effects that it has on a persons life and relationships.

Whilst mental health conditions will affect the way he behaves, only a certain amount of the time can be written off as "his illness" regardless of how Ill he is, there comes a point where he has made choices to make actions, like breaking into your house, he needs to be responsible for that.

it sounds like he's had a lot of support and quite a few chances, it sounds like you have been more than what you need to be to him. by no means do you need to stay in his life. But you cannot ask anyone else to walk away because you are.

We were in a similar ish situation with my sister a few years ago, she made out to have mental health issues, she told people she had taken overdoses and ran away up to four times a week, when she would be found after one of these overdoses it would be found out that she hadn't taken anything at all. She accused every man that she ever met of raping her, she started writing letters telling everyone she would kill them, from us family members to the police officers who had arrested her, to people she went to school with previously. Then she admitted that she had made it all up.
This was after she had let herself into my flat and broken everything she could find, she ripped my daughters bedding and even went as far as ripping up our birth certificates- a few months down the line she told me that she ripped them up because without a birth certificate we didn't exist.... Was weird shit and whilst it was spite aimed at us and not herself, I understand just how damaging and stressful it can be to be around someone who seems to constantly have something going on, and a flurry of police and mental health that follow them.

Funnily enough the sister above now acts like she has never done anything wrong, and is perfectly fine and refused to let her new boyfriend know anything of her past, except that she was abused by every boyfriend she ever had, which was not the case at all.

Families!! I sympathise.

blacksheep2014 · 14/12/2015 18:29

Imperial, after years of his antics my brilliant step dad will not hear his name spoken. He lived abroad alongside them and my step father worked incredibly hard to teach him life skills. It was thrown back in their faces as the police there raided the family home and found class A drugs. As my youngest brother is fluent in the lingo there it fell to him (aged 10 at the time) to translate the search warrant and other paperwork. The last ten years have, intermittently, been hideous.

OP posts:

Cloppysow · 14/12/2015 18:29

I had to start completely ignoring my dad in the street whe i was about 19 because i couldn't take any more of his chaos and upset. He was a chronic, chaotic alcoholic. I was relieved when he died when i was 25 because it was the phonecall i had waited for from the age of 16.
I felt like a cruel heartless bitch when i blanked him, but i had to do it for my sanity.
Your mum is asking too much of you. If she wants him kept an eye on, she needs to do it herself. You are completely within your rights and reasonable to not want this in your life any more.

Please feel free to pm me if you want to know any more.

queenofthepirates · 14/12/2015 18:31

What does your MP have to say about the failure of care? This should be right up their street. I don't blame you for wanting to go NC though.

exWifebeginsat40 · 14/12/2015 18:33

signpost your brother to drug and alcohol services in your town. then I'm sorry but I think that has to be it, for now.

ultimatums don't work. don't make any noise about it - just quietly disengage.

I'm sorry this is happening.

yorkshapudding · 14/12/2015 18:50

Unfortunately, if someone is determined to misuse drugs and alcohol there is very little that health services can do as treatment for addiction has to be voluntary. If OP's brother has previously used mental health services then the police will be aware of this and his mental state would be assessed by a mental health professional in custody to esure he is medically fit to be interviewed or face charges. So the fact that he has been charged with several offences suggests that he was found to have capacity at the time. Drug induced psychosis can be very serious and he may indeed have been very unwell and distressed as a result but if someone with a history of drug induced psychosis then goes onto continue abusing drugs knowing the impact that this could have on them then there has to be an element of personal responsibility.

catfordbetty · 14/12/2015 19:01

Your life and happiness is important too, OP. Don't throw it away on a lost cause.

lostinmiddlemarch · 14/12/2015 19:15

You can stop contact with him (sounds like you have) and you can explain that you don't want to hear about him from your mum. But you cannot tell her whether or not she should remain in contact with her own child. Back off.

Kaytee1987 · 14/12/2015 19:20

I dont know much about addiction so can't help there. However I'm sure if someone threatens suicide you would be able to get them sectioned meaning he would get the help he needs and be safely locked up. Apologies if someone has already suggested this my phone is playing silly buggers and I can't see all pages on a thread

whois · 14/12/2015 19:33

YANBU to want him out of your life, and to tell you mum you so not wish to hear anything about him.

YABU if you want your mum to cut all contact as well.

blacksheep2014 · 14/12/2015 21:26

Thanks everyone. I think this has been a useful exercise for me, I'm tired and I needed space to vent and have people appreciate that this is not a normal situation, that there's nothing more expected of me and to hear alternative perspectives on mental ill health. You've also saved my long suffering DPs ears. Thanks

I've asked my mum only to update me should my brother be remanded...we live in hope...or admitted to hospital.

OP posts:

blacksheep2014 · 14/12/2015 21:37

queenofthepirates MP has helped me to make a complaint to police Scotland which was upheld but I think most of the issue is with the courts and PF who seem pretty untouchable.

Are people really aware that people are commiting numerous violent and destructive crimes and then being bailed into the community time and time again? Its been an eye opener for us.

kaytee my brother has been sectioned a few times now, its hard as often I'm the one who my brother turns to when acutely unwell, mainly because I'm accessible to him. The mental health act places siblings (correctly) fairly far down the pecking order in terms of who has a "say" because their relationships can be...complex.

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