AIBU to be worrying because my ex has gone quiet?(10 Posts)
Ok. Going to attempt to be concise!
Background: I split from my husband earlier in the year as he has severe MH problems that made me feel very unsafe living with him and very uneasy with our lg around him. He blamed me for everything wrong in his life, told me I'd made him self harm and other things. Don't want to drip feed and I know this is AIBU but please don't ask for more info on the details, I'm gradually processing it. MH emergency team got involved with him. His parents are super controlling and always have to be right. He told me he wanted a divorce so I started things rolling. He was furious that I was divorcing him rather than him me. I got angry emails, threats etc. He seemed determined to see our lg but refused to skype, refused to come to see her, refused the kids contact centre and refused to meet in town as I'd be there. He wanted unsupervised contact in his house 6 hours away and I wouldn't concede because of prior threats. I can't drive, he took the car off me. All verbal threats until recently. He denied everything I was divorcing him for and claims it is my MH that is the problem and I'm an unfit mother. He eventually started skype contact and was totally different online compared to the emails I'd had which made me think that his dad (who basically runs his life for him even when we were married) was the one writing them to try and intimidate me into doing what they wanted. PILs have not been in touch with me at all. I've offered to skype them so they can see dd. It was refused.
I got sent a threatening email a few weeks ago and he has not contacted me since. It's nearly Christmas. My solicitor is baffled by the lack of contact. I'm worried his dad and him are plotting something. Am I worrying too much? It's the first Christmas for dd. I'm scared social services will pop up and take her. That's unreasonable, right? My HV isn't worried about DD, she says I'm doing great, I've had no contact with anyone about dd who have expressed concern, I have friends, we go to baby groups etc. Social services can't just pop up and take dd if my ex starts claiming I'm mentally ill? (I've never had any involvement with any MH services). DD is a baby if that makes any difference?
Sorry. I just thought he'd want to see her for Xmas. I know she wont remember. I'm just so worried that I'll try to relax and then he'll drop a bombshell - I had no contact from him for a month and then he was demanding custody and threatening to come take her. Prepared to be told to get my head out of my arse and put a happy festive hat on. Please tell me I'm over worrying!
Have you kept all of your email correspondence? It sounds like you've tried to facilitate contact and he's been unreasonable. Surely there will be records of his involvement with MH team?
It sounds like you've got evidence on your side. And the support of a medical professional in HV.
I will admit that I know very little of social services but I'd be very surprised indeed if they'd take an infant from her mother who is caring for it well without a pretty thorough process.
Your hv isn't worried so you don't need to be. If social services get in touch and this is unlikely then refer them to your hv who can vouch for you.
Just keep a diary and recOrd of his emails etc.
Don't correspond with him.
Social services don't just 'pop up' and take a child away - they would have to have a very good reason to do so and the word of a vindictive ex would not be a good reason.
I wouldn't trust him though. He sounds controlling. Keep family and friends close and keep talking to your hv.
Cloppysow: I've got all emails and there are records of the MH team getting involved with him. I'd genuinely love him to see her but I want them to be safe - I don't want him to hurt/upset her and me not be there to intervene.
abbieanders: thank you - I need that!
Cestlavielife: I'm trying hard not to worry its just he's very manipulative and his dad used to be an MP and did work for the council apparently in safeguarding children. I'm sure it's the post 10pm blues when I feel a bit lonely that makes my worries seem bigger!
MsColouring: thank you. I know they have a hard job and protecting children is so important but I'm just scared that my ex is going to manipulate the situation. I don't trust him, after the things he's threatened I won't ever trust him again. I'm scared he'll hurt dd and blame me if I let him have her unsupervised. Sort of a "you made me do it" retort. But he can put on a good show, he isolated me from all my old friends by telling them I ran away and stole his child.
Be very careful about allowing unsupervised contact as they may not bring her back if he has pr
You may want to speak to your solicitor about a child permanence order
Could he have had a crisis and be in hospital? Maybe sectioned?
you dont want to be in charge of the supervision this puts you at risk. it should be supervised by a third party eg contact centre.
so - write down some rules for yourself - instructions to refer to and tick off the ones you can do
dont contact him except thru solicitor
if he calls develop repsonses like "sorry I am busy, got to go, baby just done big poo, bye" and put phone down - or "please can you send me an email or text about that arrangement" (so you have it in writing) you need to practise this. you can use for his parents too.
dont hand over child unless a court has ordered you to do so - if you go to court ask for contact centre
contact local contact centres go visit them so you know what is on offer www.naccc.org.uk ask how much, who supervises etc
speak to your hv about everything and your concerns
speak to your gp about your stress - ask for referral to nhs counselling to talk in a safe space and develop strategies for dealing with ex
speak to womens aid see if there is a local version
remember you in this for long haul til dd is 16 so you need to work out how contact will work. regular safe contact... he wont go away for good... and dc have right to relationship with their other parent so long as it is safe. the fact he has mh team involved is good as you can refer to them/ask court to refer to them .
ps his MH is not your responsibility day to day - only if he turns up demanding child. I've been there wondering if ex has been sectioned etc..even sent police to check few times, but he has always been "fine" - other times his friends too charge got him to gp etc. so while he has his friends/family, just focus on you and baby.
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