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to have said LET ME FINISH very loudly?

(19 Posts)
Proginoskes Tue 10-Nov-15 21:54:32

So as not to dripfeed, the background to this morning: I have a surgery upcoming for an ulnar nerve transposition to relieve the pain I've been in for months. The surgeon's office and the hospital are having real trouble coordinating my care (I'm in the US) and I got a call this morning (early enough to wake me up) that I must IMMEDIATELY do a computer-based assessment and then call into scheduling for a THIRD pre-op appointment and and and...basically got my whole morning tied up in a faff, so I was in a mood already.

Ordinarily, our dogs are crated when we're in bed for the night, but not during the day. DH was leaving for work and I said I was going to go try to catch that last hour of sleep. He said, okay, I'll crate the dogs back up then and as I was replying, "No, no need to do that, they don't need to be in the crate for just an hour nap" he cut me off saying ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT over and over. It made me angry, because I hadn't said it in an angry tone of voice and I really resented him trying to silence me so I said "LET ME FINISH!" Now he's been sulking round all day acting as though he's the one who's had someone be rude to him for no reason.

So, AIBU to have demanded he let me finish what I was saying? And WIBU to not speak to him until he offers an apology? I don't feel I did anything wrong therefore "mending fences" by offering my own apology would be insincere. This isn't something he has form for; it's unlike him and I'm sure he has something else on his mind (our DD16 has just been diagnosed with severe depression) but it's no excuse to take it out on me.

TendonQueen Tue 10-Nov-15 21:58:16

If it's unlike him, it sounds like you were both stressed and snappy. I would try something neutral-ish like 'That conversation earlier didn't go very well. Shall we put it behind us and move on?' If he takes you up on that then fine. If he continues to sulk or moans about it, then you're into row territory, but at least it might clear the air.

AlwaysHope1 Tue 10-Nov-15 22:01:19

This isn't something he has form for; it's unlike him and I'm sure he has something else on his mind (our DD16 has just been diagnosed with severe depression) but it's no excuse to take it out on me.

Maybe cut him some slack as you no this is unlike him. Why create more of a problem and drag it out?

Proginoskes Tue 10-Nov-15 22:22:18

If it's unlike him, it sounds like you were both stressed and snappy.

See, this is just it, I wasn't snappy to him at all. Not in the slightest.

Maybe cut him some slack as you no this is unlike him

Okay, but why can he not cut me some slack? This is kind of playing 'misery poker' but tbf, I live my life in constant pain, I'm very worried about my daughter, I have other medical conditions that have rendered me disabled to the point that I had to drop out of school just before finishing my degree, and I'm going through a bunch of stress from this surgery. Other than DD, he has nothing to be stressed to the point of being snappy about. If anyone should have snapped, it'd be me, and I didn't til he shouted at me.

Fatmomma99 Tue 10-Nov-15 22:25:41

sorry for missing the point, but a def BU from me for keeping your dogs in "crates". How hideous. Poor things.

I hope your surgery goes well.

cariadlet Tue 10-Nov-15 22:30:36

Is crating dogs an American thing? We always had dogs when I was growing up, but they were never crated. It's something I've only heard of recently - and never come across in real life.

GruntledOne Tue 10-Nov-15 22:31:03

OP, I appreciate that you have the greater cause to be stressed, but it's not true that your DH has nothing to be stressed about other than your DD. DD's severe depression is obviously in itself a major cause of stress, but he is also dealing with a wife who is unwell and probably worrying about your surgery.

DarkNavyBlue Tue 10-Nov-15 22:33:08

Oh Christ OP - you don't want the animal lot deciding you're cruel to your dogs - they're bonkers.

OldGreyCat Tue 10-Nov-15 22:34:30

It's caging, not crating, isnt' it?

OP, sorry, it sounds like you are having a very very tough time atm.

I would probably have said what you said too.

However, although your H isn't going through surgery or depression like your Dd, I expect he is worried sick about you both, and that might make him snappy? He shouldn't have shouted at you, though. thanks

TendonQueen Tue 10-Nov-15 22:36:44

That's a lol to deal with. I've had periods of very serious illness myself and while that is hideous, it's also no picnic for close family. Yes, your load is heavier, but isn't he also affected by that? You were there, he's your husband and you know him. So if you feel you want to hold out for an apology, do. But I would regard this as a blip to get over so you can go back to being a team. I don't want to excuse serious bad behaviour but I'm not seeing this in that way.

OldGreyCat Tue 10-Nov-15 22:37:03

polishes bonkers badge hmm

iago Tue 10-Nov-15 22:39:37

Not wishing to derail thread, but Fatmomma99 and Cariadlet, crating dogs is not cruel. I socialise Hearing Dog puppies and we crate them as part of their training. It stops them toileting as dogs keep their den clean and they feel safe in their crate. Many of our dogs chose to relax in their crate, long after they were shut in there (For a short while!) because they knew that was their space and no-one would disturb them there.

Proginoskes Tue 10-Nov-15 22:43:51

a def BU from me for keeping your dogs in "crates". How hideous. Poor things.

I know, it must suck for them to sleep inside on a memory foam mattress long enough for them to stretch out on and roll around for 7 or 8 hours overnight while the rest of the family sleeps. How terrible I am. It's actually so terrible that they go in their crates voluntarily during the day (door open) to chew their bones for a while.

And for all the people who DIDN'T take the opportunity to kick me while I'm down, thank you for your answers. I'm seeing this as more than a blip but, of course, certainly not a LTB situation. If he's worried about me, that's great, but he needs to find someone else to focus his snappiness on. He's currently sulking in the bedroom, so we'll see how the rest of the evening/night plays out. I'm having a perfectly good time hanging out with DD and the dogs watching tv.

Fatmomma99 Tue 10-Nov-15 22:48:37

Perhaps try locking him in a crate. I'm sure he'd be grateful to stretch out!

catfordbetty Tue 10-Nov-15 22:50:49

“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”

lottiegarbanzo Tue 10-Nov-15 23:02:13

Sounds like he was hurrying out the door and was trying to communicate that he didn't have time for a conversation. Maybe thinking about the next thing in his day - some work issue. Still, not ok to be irritable with you.

Did this call that woke you wake him early too? Grumpy from lost sleep and disruption?

I think his reaction is some sort of embarrassment and unwillingness to admit he was rude to you. Or frustration at having to be extra considerate all the time because of your health and feeling you were throwing his helpful offer back at him, then shouting at him about it? Better for him to explain though!

Wagglebees Tue 10-Nov-15 23:12:44

You're having a shitty time and you feel frustrated, fed up and probably angry. Tbh I'd draw a line and say you should both forget this morning. It doesn't have to be a who says 'sorry' first thing. It just isn't worth the stress and you really don't need anymore of that. flowers

He's being an arsed if he's sulking but Ivthink it's a case of pick your battles.

I have a chronic illness and know how it gets. I hope you get sorted out soon and they can help you. flowers

Proginoskes Tue 10-Nov-15 23:24:55

Lottie and Waggle, I think you're both right. flowers He wasn't woken up by the call - he wakes up a lot earlier than he needs to as a matter of habit, so he'd been up for a while. I try, very hard, not to need extra 'doing' from him or extra concessions; we were a one income household before I got sick so my illness hasn't changed that.

Since my last post he's come out and started watching "Chopped" with us and commenting on the show but DD is watching with us so he'll probably not discuss it til she wanders off. (And yes, I'm responding to his comments; I can be petty as all hell but I'm not THAT bad.)

Mmmmcake123 Tue 10-Nov-15 23:29:24

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Sometimes irritations just slip out and the person on the receiving end is entitled to take it personally but I think we are all human and therefore not perfect. I give things like this 3 times before I express concern. In the meantime I would communicate with him; hey this morning wasn't nice, let's not go down that route again for the sake of the whole family's sanity. I love you (if you do, if not replace with we're all struggling) so let's put it behind us and try to think before engaging in the future.

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