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to ask MIL not to come?

(24 Posts)
Summersalmostgone Wed 19-Aug-15 09:32:08

Brief backstory. DH and I are in process of splitting up but still living together. Things are strained and I spend every evening sat in the bedroom to avoid him (if he leaves the pub to come home).

MIL is due to come and stay. I have asked her to cancel as it's not good timing. She is now sulking and being a bit cool with me. She has told DH that she wants to see her son and grandchild. Which is fair enough but I can't countenance her staying in this house and them playing happy families while I sit by myself upstairs.

Am I being selfish or is she? Her main worry about this split seems to be that she won't get to see her grandchildren. I feel she should be more concerned at this point for the fact that they are losing their family.

So AIBU and should I just suck it up? I know that she will arrive and expect me to join in with them as though everything is normal. I really can't bring myself to do that. I have nowhere else to go and stay while she is here. They can't go to her for various reasons.

fabuLou Wed 19-Aug-15 09:34:01

Why are you still living in same house? Oh and your mil is a selfish moo.

candybar Wed 19-Aug-15 09:37:31

Could they go and stay with mil? If she wants to see them so badly I can't see why she wouldn't want them there. Just a thought.

candybar Wed 19-Aug-15 09:38:34

Sorry I missed the last bit, maybe they could spend the day out with her instead?

Summersalmostgone Wed 19-Aug-15 09:42:13

It's complicated but it's been a drawn out break up with several attempts at reconciliation. I'm now at the point of realising DH won't sort himself out.

They can't go and stay with her. She can't physically accommodate and there's no money for a Hotel on our side. Plus I'm not confident that my child would be adequately cared for so am not going to suggest it.

Summersalmostgone Wed 19-Aug-15 09:43:57

She lives too far for it to be a day thing hence why she is/was staying.

shiteforbrains Wed 19-Aug-15 09:45:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MidniteScribbler Wed 19-Aug-15 09:49:40

Not a chance in hell.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 19-Aug-15 09:51:44

Let her sulk, you need to get thro this period as amicably as possible and having your STXMIL to stay will not help in that.

I'm sorry you're going thro this OP.

Summersalmostgone Wed 19-Aug-15 09:51:59

Ok, I'm glad it's not me being selfish.

She did ignore my request to not come and went straight to Ex-H to complain instead and say how much I've upset her.

She knows why we are at this point but I truly thinks she thinks I should just put up and shut up to keep life easy for her.

IKnowYouMeanWell Wed 19-Aug-15 09:54:05

Does she have money for a hotel, so she could stay close to you and you can send them out to spend the day with her?

Summersalmostgone Wed 19-Aug-15 09:58:22

I don't know what her finances are like, she is welcome to do that if she wants. I've not suggested it as I feel any alternative arrangements are for her and EX to make. I've been the organiser up til now but no more!

fuzzywuzzy Wed 19-Aug-15 10:02:40

I reckon just saying nope you're not staying in this house at this time. Is fine to say.

Good luck, doesn't sound like she will listen.

IKnowYouMeanWell Wed 19-Aug-15 10:08:17

I hope you manage to stay firm on her not staying.

I know you don't want to get involved and are avoiding the ex, but a quick "You know your mum can't stay here, maybe she'll book a hotel so she can see you?....", might just plant an idea that wouldn't have occurred to him otherwise? Certainly don't organise them, if she wants to see her son that much, she'll sort it.

InTheBox Wed 19-Aug-15 11:06:55

Not unreasonable at all. In fact this is probably in the 5% of MIL threads in which the DIL is not being unreasonable.

Let her sulk, she'll get over it. This time is hard enough as it is without you having to stretch yourself any further. And expecting you to join in and play happy families would do my head in.

TPel Wed 19-Aug-15 11:10:11

I can't imagine any sane person wanting to stay in a house mid break up.

Her wishes are really not very important at this point.

UrethraFranklin1 Wed 19-Aug-15 11:14:34

Well, I agree with you, BUT; if you're both still living there he (and she) can say it really doesn't matter if you want her there, she can go and stay with her son in his house if she and he both want her there.
Of course it would be a totally dickish thing to do, but I can see it happening easily, and she may well feel that if you're separating then she doesnt need to care what you want or think.

Sounds awful, best of luck.

MiddleAgedandConfused Wed 19-Aug-15 12:11:37

Sounds awful and YANBU - but I am not sure how you can stop her coming.

EponasWildDaughter Wed 19-Aug-15 12:28:13

God OP, i had to stay under the same roof as my X during a split while we sorted living arrangements. It was a horrible horrible time and you have my sympathy flowers Be careful, this is a time when people can do unpredictable things.

As to MIL: i agree with those saying it's up to your H to put a stop to her visit. What did H say to her when she went to him to complain?

Littlef00t Wed 19-Aug-15 12:53:15

Could you make it clear you don't want her staying and might be more reasonable about her seeing her GC in the future if she shows she can respect your wishes?

Summersalmostgone Wed 19-Aug-15 13:13:49

I'm not really sure what was said aside from her being "really upset" and wanting to see her son /grandchildren etc.

Theycallmemellowjello Wed 19-Aug-15 13:14:42

Well, no you shouldn't go on days out pretending everything is normal. But separation of parents is difficult and stressful for children, so I wonder if being taken out by grandma might be good for the DC? Also, it is a hard time for your DH as well. Personally I'd have a tough time accepting my husband banning my mum from staying at the house if I felt like I needed her.

Rainbowlou1 Wed 19-Aug-15 13:23:33

Does she think by visiting now she may be able to 'fix' this for you all? I don't understand why anyone would want to stay in a house when they are separating unless
They were asked to come for support?
This is a stressful time for you and having someone staying under the circumstances would be awful imo
Yanbu and she needs to step back and come to stay when it's convenient, stay elsewhere or have them go to see her

Summersalmostgone Wed 19-Aug-15 13:31:42

Kids are very young and not really aware of what is going on.

This split is caused by DH and his extremely unreasonable behaviour. I do think he thinks this will blow over if he buries his head in the sand. His mum coming seems like I'd be encouraging that charade.

Theycallmemellowjello - Would you really want your mum to stay if you were in the situation I am in? I basically live, eat and sleep in my bedroom when DH is in the house. It's a miserable and lonely existence as it is without having MIL here.

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