To think I should tell DS's nursery about my mums cancer?

(18 Posts)
LivinLaVidaLoki Tue 11-Aug-15 19:44:50

In a nutshell, my mum has lung cancer. It has spread into her chest cavity and is inoperable.
She will soon begin chemotherapy to hopefully give her longer/a better quality of life. Though we wont know if its working until Christmastime(ish).
DS is 4 and starts school in September.
I thought perhaps we should tell nursery what is happening (and when he begins school, his school too). Purely because he will notice things are different at home, eg have done so much crying this week (not in front of DS) I cant sleep and am exhausted, I have also been visiting my mum for a few days at a time (despite never leaving him before now sad ).
Also, when she is going through chemo he wont be able to visit and this could upset him (he worships her and looks forward to visiting her), and so I think the more people who surround him that can support him through what is potentially a difficult time the better for him (especially if the worse happens and the chemo doesnt work).
DH thinks we should leave it until we know more, play it by ear really, and only involve them if we need to (ie if she is really poorly).
However, I think they should know (for the reasons above), as I have been through this with my dad and it was hard.

AsongforEurope Tue 11-Aug-15 19:48:54

flowers sorry you are going through this. It must be an incredibly difficult time for you and your family. Take care of yourself and please feel free to tell nursery if you feel it will help you and your son to feel supported.

Salmotrutta Tue 11-Aug-15 19:51:46

Sorry about your Mum Livin flowers

I'd be inclined towards your DHs view to be honest but that's because I'm quite private about sensitive issues like this.

Your DS may still be young enough to not fully understand much and with the excitement of school he may get very wrapped up in new friends etc.

If it was me I'd do a "wait a bit" approach and inform them a bit later.

Tryingtokeepalidonit Tue 11-Aug-15 19:52:11

I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time and I hope your mum responds well. I would definitely tell nursery and school, it is really important he is supported wherever he is and his carers need to understand what the family are going through. Very best wishes.

haveabreakhaveakitkat Tue 11-Aug-15 19:52:27

So sorry flowers

Yes, I think you should have a chat with Nursery staff so they can support your ds while he's in their care.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Tue 11-Aug-15 19:52:48

You should tell them.

FIL died of cancer earlier this year, and we told school and preschool when he was diagnosed. The staff were brilliantly supportive of both the children and us as a family.

Tinandgonic Tue 11-Aug-15 19:54:31

flowersflowers I'm sorry livin. If it feels right to tell the nursery the let them know. Children are so perceptive so it's likely your DS may notice some physical changes in your mum and emotional changes in all concerned. I'm so sorry though sad I feel rubbish for you. Sending you lots of hugs xxxxx

Salmotrutta Tue 11-Aug-15 19:54:44

Sorry OP - seems like my advice may be in the minority.

It is just my opinion and you must do what you think is best for your family.

CalleighDoodle Tue 11-Aug-15 19:57:12

Sorry abor your mum. I also think school should be Informed.

PinPon Tue 11-Aug-15 19:57:21

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. In your shoes, I would tell nursery the basics:
-that your mum is seriously ill and is likely to be in hospital for treatment
-that DS is likely to miss her, and also to be upset as a result.

That feels like sharing the right amount to me.

jellyandsoup Tue 11-Aug-15 19:57:30

Having worked in nurseries I would def say tell them, we would have always treated this information sensitively. it it will allow the staff to support your son and you.

vvviola Tue 11-Aug-15 19:57:44

So sorry about your Mum livin flowers

I would definitely tell the nursery/school. When DM had a stroke in May I told school and pre-school. More as a precaution than anything else, in case the DC got upset or said something that struck the teachers as odd.

Nothing was ever said to the DC directly, but the staff were very grateful I had let them know as it meant they could keep a special eye out for the DC.

Purplepixiedust Tue 11-Aug-15 19:59:50

Sorry you all have to deal with this. I would tell nursery, that way they can keep an eye on your DS and let you know if there are any issues. Children adapt amazingly well though so try to explain bits to your DS so that he has done idea what is going on. Being kept in the dark can be frightening. If he knows about the treatment in advance, it won't be such a shock when he can't visit for a time. flowers

myknickersknackersknockers Tue 11-Aug-15 20:00:31

Yes tell them. They won't know him well enough to see changes in him and may need to make some allowances for him if upset.

I'm a teacher and had a child a few ears ago in reception. Mum got ill
and died without us knowing anything. I would have helped and made things easier for them had I known. It was their decision not to tell us which I respect though.

PenelopePitstops Tue 11-Aug-15 20:03:26

Thinking of you OP flowers

Please tell nursery and school. The number of times I have rung home for a pupil who has misbehaved/out of character and something major is happening at home is ridiculous. My main message to parents would be TELL SCHOOL.

Fissues Tue 11-Aug-15 20:05:45

I run a nursery and we'd want to know so we could keep an extra eye on your DS and if you agreed, try to help him process it all by reading stories etc.

I can understand wanting your privacy though. If it's any comfort, everywhere I've ever worked would have handled this sensitively and followed your lead.

LumpySpaceCow Tue 11-Aug-15 20:13:05

Sorry you are having to go through this. My mum died earlier this year from advanced cancer and also received palliative chemo. I told the school when she started in September and they were really supportive. It's a shame he can't visit during chemo. There were no restrictions with mum and my youngest who was a few months old at the time was always with me and mum and was with me at the hospital when mum died (she was ebf).
I hope the chemo is successful in reducing symptoms etc. x

rainbowunicorn Tue 11-Aug-15 20:19:37

Yes tell the nursery, children pick up on much more than you would imagine they would. Always let the nursery or school know when there is a major change in family circumstances it helps us as staff to offer the best care and support for your child.

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