Advanced search be peed off with SIL

(21 Posts)
Hadalifeonce Fri 24-Jul-15 20:11:48

PIL live some distance away, SIL lives near to them so they see her and her DC often. Every time we arrange to visit PIL, she hijacks part of our trip, persuading PIL that it will be boring for our DC at their house, and that we should stay with SIL. We always arrange to visit SIL during our visit, but that is never good enough for her.
AIBU to want my DC to have some quality time with their GP without their cousins?
I have caught her out in a lie before, when she called us before our visit to say PIL are panicking about food and space, and suggested we would be better off staying at theirs; when I spoke to FIL he was horrified as he had said nothing of the sort.
I am more than happy to spend some time with them, but I know she wants my DC to 'entertain' hers, no problem with that, but not to the detriment of the relationship with PIL.

strawberryshoes Fri 24-Jul-15 20:13:40

YANBU and should always deal direct with PIL on visits, fobbing SIL off where needed. You could also get PIL to come to you?

MissDemelzaCarne Fri 24-Jul-15 20:16:15

I've got a similar issue with my SIL, DH used to organise visits through the PIL but she always managed to twist things so we stayed at hers.

Hadalifeonce Fri 24-Jul-15 20:19:05

I do deal with them direct, but because she knows we are coming, as we arrange to see her during our trip, she manages to get into their psyche to persuade them. It's not easy for them to visit us as they are both elderly, and MIL recently had incapacitating injury.
Another reason for our visit, I was hoping the relieve FIL of some of his nursing duties.

Hadalifeonce Fri 24-Jul-15 20:20:14

MissD, it's so frustrating isn't it?

MsAspreyDiamonds Fri 24-Jul-15 20:22:43

Can you arrange your visit for when she is away? I had a similar issue with someone which I resolved by waiting until she had gone on a foreign holiday & then booking my trip.

Would something like this work for you? You would have to do it as a last minute trip & say nothing to anybody beforehand.

Shenanagins Fri 24-Jul-15 20:23:22

Watching with interest as we have the same, every bloody time.

User100 Fri 24-Jul-15 20:29:11

Don't arrange to visit her, or arrange it at the last minute? Is it possible she is genuinely trying to help if your parents are elderly?

MissDemelzaCarne Fri 24-Jul-15 20:51:21

My SIL, said it was 'too much' for my PIL so we readily moved, only finding out later that PIL were upset. My FIL has sadly died and MIL has made it very clear that she wants people to stay with her when they visit. We won't tell SIL until we're less that 100 miles away.

TheForger Fri 24-Jul-15 20:58:53

Same here as well, or they drop their DD off at PILs so we end up looking after her as well and I feel that our DC don't really get to see their PILs. Either that or when PIL visit us my SIL persuades them to bring her with them. They know we're not happy with this so they don't tell us and the first we know about it is seeing DN on the doorstep. They did a it even when the DTs were small so we were exhausted too. Grrrrrr still pisses me off.

Totality22 Fri 24-Jul-15 21:14:11

Maybe I am very lucky as all 4 of my SIL's are fab but could she just genuinely want to see you all and spend time with you?

TheRealMaryMillington Fri 24-Jul-15 21:17:50

YANBU, and just tell her straight (especially re the nursing thing)

But it is a nice problem to have, to have people want you rather than not.

I also think it's nice for kids to have a lot of time with their cousins.

Flisspaps Fri 24-Jul-15 21:20:54

Stop arranging to see her in advance, call once you're at PILs.

caravanista13 Fri 24-Jul-15 21:21:10

Why wouldn't you want your DCs to spend time with their cousins too?

Scoobydoo8 Fri 24-Jul-15 21:54:07

It sounds a bit as if she sees her ILs as her territory and isn't comfortable with you muscling in. Because, obviously imo, the DGCs who visit regularly should stay away whilst the occasionally visiting DGCs get a look in.

Not sure what the solution is though.

You could actually just spell that out to her, in a pleasant way.

Hadalifeonce Fri 24-Jul-15 22:04:01

I don't have a problem with my DC spending time with their cousins, I want them to have 1 on 1 time with their GPs, as her children do.

The advance notice happens as PIL will tell her whatever we do.

I have said to DH that I will talk to FIL this visit to tell him that I make specific plans when we visit, i.e. to visit both because that's what we want, and that don't want her to hijack our visit, we are not staying with them under sufferance.

YoniMitchell Fri 24-Jul-15 22:11:30

We have a similar situation, SIL always manages to turn up with her kids whenever we visit PILs, despite the fact her kids live really close to them and see them all the time. DS never gets any time with his GPs so consequently he barely has a relationship with them.

Yes, it's nice for him to see his cousins, but every single time he's at his GPs?! It's not beyond the realms of possibility for us to arrange to get together with SIL and her kids any other time.

YoniMitchell Fri 24-Jul-15 22:14:51

Sorry, that turned into a rant! No real advice beyond what's been suggested about dealing with just PILs on the planning.

Sadly in our case MIL can't seem to keep quiet about our visits!

Hadalifeonce Fri 24-Jul-15 22:18:19

It's all such a pain, obviously we want to have a relationship with SIL and family, but I feel if I tell her I am not happy that she has gone behind our back to persuade her parents that we shouldn't stay with them, it might be a deal breaker. I can only see devil and deep blue sea.

Hadalifeonce Fri 24-Jul-15 22:18:46

Will play it by ear next week!

YoniMitchell Fri 24-Jul-15 22:41:21

Good luck!

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