Need urgent advice re changing baby's middle name please

[Birdiegirl]

Not an aibu I know but need advice please. Don't want to drip feed so here it goes...

Dd1 was born in 2012 and is called after my deceased MIL, she was a really lovely woman, loved dearly by her family and DH had asked if we ever had a girl could we name her after his mum. Dd1 has my grandmothers name as a middle name (another really lovely person). So no problems there, everyone's happy. Well except my mother who was most annoyed we didn't give dd her name as a middle name.

Fast forward to now, DD2 was born 6 weeks ago and we picked a non family name we both liked, again all good. Except when it came to her middle name. Through my pregnancy DH said maybe I should give her my mother's name as her middle name. In normal circumstances this would be fine but my mother is far from normal.

To cut a very long story short my mother made my life hell as a child with both emotional and sometimes physical abuse. She is a classic narcissist and also has other mental health issues. I used to pray to God that I was adopted and one day my real mother would come and rescue me. At one stage it got so bad I tried to hang myself with my own skipping rope in the garage. DH knows all this but I don't think he really understands what it's like as he had a lovely childhood and great memories of his mother.

So the night DD2 was born the middle name question still hadn't been answered and when DH suggested my mothers name again I just thought ok it's only a middle name it doesn't matter in the bigger scheme of things.

But now it does bother me and I hate that I've given my precious child that evil woman's name.

We can change it but her original name will always be on her long birth cert with just an amendment at the bottom.

Please help me decide what to do. Just leave and try and move on from it.? Or change it and maybe have to explain to dd why the change was made? Dd2 will be baptised so her new name would go on that cert, the short birth cert can be changed and her passport would have her new name also, it's just the long cert

I'm just all over the place on this and my hormones are making me want to murder DH as I feel this is all his fault in the first place.

Please be gentle with me, thanks.

[countryandchickens]

Well, it may not be what you want to hear but I'd leave it.

I don't like either of my children's middle names but we never use them, and they were important to DH so I let it go because I chose their first names :)

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

Don't blame your DH but do change the name. Sorry you had such an awful mother

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Please change it. It's the best thing to do. God knows why your DH persuaded you to use it but that's not the issue here.

If your DD ever asks just say you changed your mind and preferred a different name - you don't have to tell her the real reason.

[OhNoNotMyBaby]

Change it - it's going to niggle away at you if you don't.

Also, why not tell her at some point? (that point being when your mother is no longer around.)

[iwanttogotothechaletschool]

Change it, it is not worth it upsetting your peace of mind when it can easily be rectified.

[Namechangio]

I'm biased as we changed our ds name, but the old name bothered me. As far as I remember you get a new long cert with the new name then the old name is recorded at the bottom under amendments. The process was really simple, done via a phone call and signing something and posting it back to the registrar. Go for it

[WinterBabyof89]

I wouldn't hesitate to change it in your position - go for it.

[DinoSnores]

I'd definitely change it. You'll hear her middle name potentially when she graduates, gets married etc.

[DoJo]

I would change it - you may rarely use her middle name, but when you do it will be at some of the most important moments of her life, so I wouldn't want to sully them with the name of someone that you would rather not have associated with her.

[Birdiegirl]

Thanks all for the advice my gut instinct is to change it. I checked with the registrar and we can't change the original long birth cert, an amendment will be put on the bottom. But the new name will be on the short certificate and her passport. That'll have to do, and if needs be I'll explain it to her if she asks.

I'm just so annoyed that I went with my mothers name in the first place! I don't know what I was thinking and last week it was like I came out of a fog and just thought 'what the f*ck have I done?'

I have very limited contact with my mother, thankfully I live in a different country and she has made zero effort to see her grandchildren so she'll never know.

[saturnvista]

Change it!!! Why are you even still in touch with such a dreadful woman? I would be expecting a big bunch of flowers from my DH for not protecting me from this issue at such a vulnerable time. Your relationship between your daughter and you is a completely new event. You want to cut any connection you can between this new chapter and the dysfunctional mess your own mother will have passed on to you regarding mother-daughter bonding. I see absolutely no reason why your mother has to be appeased here. In your shoes, I would have explained to her before now, calmly but firmly, why I have no wish to continue her legacy with your own children.

Countrychickens that's possibly the most extreme example of Missing The Point I've ever seen on mumsnet.

[chocolatechip123]

Its not that old bats name - it's now your lovely daughters name.

I'd be tempted to keep the name, as you need to be able to get to the stage when the demons this woman has ladened you with are extinguished and her/their power over you is gone.

Its not the name - its the abuse that you suffered at her hands. Have you had and councelling?

My sister middle name is that of our batty grandma and she really didn't like her one bit. It doesn't bother her though.

Unless it's Gertrude or Brunhilda, then I'd advise a change on taste. Maybe it's also tbw name if someone else in the family further back?

[countryandchickens]

Gosh - sorry! I suppose my point was that the middle names don't matter, in my very humble opinion!

[somemothersdohavethem]

Birdiegirl I hope you're ok. I can understand why you want to change it. Do what feels right to you. I hope you work it out x

[corneralum]

I did wonder if you could sort of see this as rehabilitating the name.

Or think of it not as the name of the evil woman but as the name given to a little girl who only later somehow turned/was turned into the evil woman. Sort of like giving the name another chance in a different generation.

I'm not saying you should keep the name at all (you have to go with what feels right), just offering that up in case finding a new way of thinking of it helps at all.