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To feel like a mother of 2 rather than a wife & MO 1??

(16 Posts)
RagingJellyBean Mon 29-Jun-15 20:57:15

My DH has dyspraxia & it makes living with him so incredibly difficult. I love him, and as a general rule we are happy but he can't/won't do housework & I generally feel like I'm his mother as opposed to his wife.

He needs to be shadowed if he does any housework which at first I thought would be good, because he would learn and going forward we could share tasks. Unfortunately not, on top of being dyspraxic he's very lazy and takes as many shortcuts as possible. As a result, I do every inch of housework and I also have to make his lunches for work because if I don't he goes to work without food and I'm left feeling awful.

I just wish he could do things like I do them, I know that's mean and inconsiderate but after 4 years I'm exhausted. He makes no effort to learn and when he does learn he slowly starts making cutbacks so that it's pointless him doing any housework as it creates more mess for me to deal with.

I guess there's no real AIBU here, I just needed to rant I think sad

sooperdooper Mon 29-Jun-15 21:00:56

I'm not surprised you're exhausted!

Stop making his lunches, it's his fault if he has no food - unless he'll then spend a fortune eating out?

If he learns then makes short cuts his dyspraxia is irrelevant surely, he can do it, he just chooses not to because he knows you will, depressing sad

RagingJellyBean Mon 29-Jun-15 21:02:41

That's exactly what it is I just felt bad writing it.

Last night was a good example, he couldn't work the window for the life of him, despite it being really simple - so I said and kept trying to explain how it worked to him while he tried. He gave up on the first try and came out with "If you know how to do it, why are you telling me? Just do it yourself?"

He has no willingness to learn whatsoever ��

CookieDoughKid Mon 29-Jun-15 21:05:26

Have him pay for chequers cleaner and maintenance man. I think if he is never going to change or learn (and how old is he?!), make both of your lives easier and delegate out!

RagingJellyBean Mon 29-Jun-15 21:08:02

He's 22, we've been together since we were young (18 feels young blush). I had a lot of responsibility for a lot longer than him so I'm clued up on the things his mum did for him for years.

WhatsTheT Mon 29-Jun-15 21:09:04

Did I write this in a daze and change my username?

My life to the T, dyspraxia, housework, child and everything.

Much empathy here, I know how you feel!

holeinmyheart Mon 29-Jun-15 21:12:07

You are not his Mother and you are not responsible for him. I don't think he will starve if you reduce your waiting on him hand and foot.

Just do what you want to do. You are not doing things for him willingly anyway. It is pointless building up resentment and getting exhausted.

I would stop doing his washing, ironing etc and make meals for yourself unless you feel like giving him something to eat.
He is in work though, and is earning money that you share, so perhaps he deserves food.

Woman can have such high standards that they can make them selves ill.

My husband is great if you give him a list , but won't do what I do, using his initiative.
I just do what I feel like doing. I give my DH something to do with specific instructions. If the instructions are too vague then I get a vague job done.

WhatsTheT Mon 29-Jun-15 21:14:25

I give my DH something to do with specific instructions. If the instructions are too vague then I get a vague job done.

You criticise OP that she is not his mother or responsible for him, then you go on to say you write instructions or he won't do it. What is the point if you are having to write instructions for people to do their equal share, that's just laziness too.

PercyGherkin Mon 29-Jun-15 21:15:58

So he has moved, seamlessly, from his mother doing everything for him, to you? Lucky him. More fool you.

Stop making excuses for him. Yes his dyspraxia makes some things difficult, but you said yourself he has made no effort to learn, and anything that does penetrate he promptly finds ways to work around because, in your own words, he's lazy.

I'll be the first to admit i don't know a great deal about dyspraxia but if he's able to hold down a job, I'm really struggling to see how he can't slap a piece of ham between two slices of bread.

LashesandLipstick Mon 29-Jun-15 21:22:46

I'm both the dyspraxic party and partner of a dyspraxic so I see it from both sides. I struggle to do the housework without a list because I won't instinctively know what needs to be done. However I've learned to take my own initiative and go round making my OWN list by asking myself certain questions, and asking others I share the house with

My partner sometimes acts a bit like yours and I always say I'll HELP him but I won't do it for him.

thehumanjam Mon 29-Jun-15 21:34:41

I have dyspraxia and it doesn't stop me making a sandwich or operating the washing machine. I'm never going to win any prizes for the appearance of my sandwiches but they taste as good as anybody else's!

Tidying can appear overwhelming when you have dyspraxia but not impossible. I can walk into the bathroom and I can see that it needs cleaning but I'm not sure how to get it clean! Everything has to be broken down into individual steps. I write myself notes of each individual step that needs to be taken. It also takes me a lot longer than someone else. For example if you saw me cleaning the shower enclosure I look cack handed which means that I'm less efficient and taking longer. When dh is with me it's easier because I can copy him.

Watching someone with dyspraxia perform a task can be frustrating and when I'm being watched I perform even worse.

Dh jokingly refers to me as his third child which is quite insulting. I can out perform him in other areas and I'm very analytical but when it comes to practical tasks that require an element of hand to eye coordination I probably perform at the level of an 8 year old.

MrsPCR Mon 29-Jun-15 21:45:34

Suggest getting a cleaner for couple of hours a week. I'm sure it's not the same but my DH never did anything my way and so it wound him up that his way was never good enough and I would often redo it or 'sort it out', which made him think what's the point. I've learnt to let go of some of the control and let him do it his way. Instead of re-pegging all the washing so it's straight and will dry maybe an hour more quickly, now I'm really grateful when I get up on a Saturday morning and it's done for me. compromise is that I'll unscrew caught up sleeves and repeg the odd top of mine which would lose its shape and then smile at the haphazard way in which the clothes have hit the line or the airer.

He seems happier and more willing and I'm not as uptight and the two then improve each other!

3rdrockfromthesun Mon 29-Jun-15 21:52:24

Agree with MrsPCR my boyfriend has left sided hemiplagia (sp?) and I have dyspraxia. If my boyfirend pegs something out differently I don't automatically go out and repeg it. Hire a cleaner if you can afford it! Wish I could as it would make the weekends better but hey ho. As my DM always told me dyspraxia is only a condition it is not an get out clause!

Have some cake and a wine

Mushypeasandchipstogo Mon 29-Jun-15 23:14:00

OMG are you me OP? Exactly the same situation here but my DH is 50, it just doesn't get better. I do make sure that he pays for a cleaner once a week but I spend hours before she comes tidying his manky clothes up. Please tell me where I have been going wrong. sad

SonjasSister Tue 30-Jun-15 07:22:36

I wonder if humanjam's experience might help ypu find a way to improve things. He.He might be laxy yes, he might also have been told off for being clumsy/ useless etc so much in his life he just really feels he can't do stuff or if he tries he' ll just fail/annoy someone so it becomes very much easier not to try? I know that sounds a bit like a kid but if his experiences as a kid were a bit scarring they could still be making things worse for both of you? If that's not too much amateur psychology!

SonjasSister Tue 30-Jun-15 07:24:45

Ps If bought out lunches out arr too pricey how about pasties/pork pies/ falafels etc that he can just put in a box?

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