AIBU? Weekend Away

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

I am keeping this vague as so many bits can out me entirely...

I agreed earlier in the year that I would meet up with a friend for a catch up.
We see each other once or twice a year and go to dinner or a show, we used to spend a lot of time together pre-DP/DD.

Since agreeing this meet up, my circumstances have changed hugely. (Change of job = drop in wages). My friend is single and lives in a house share so I don't think appreciates how frugal my life is.

I had offered to go to a show that he is crazy about. I had budgeted in my head a maximum of £60 for this. Friend was delighted that I would go, gets over excited overnight and books the tickets.

I asked how much I owed and he said £175, I said I'd bank transfer my half. "No, it's £175, I got front row seats."

So I was annoyed because I don't really fuss about this event and this is more than double what I had intended to pay.

"You can pay for the hotel."

Which I duly have, although get again, I'd previously envisaged splitting this cost down the middle so its a good £100 or so more than I was happy spending.

So I wrote this off to experience and we were chatting about what else we could do while we were at the show. I said that there's a few places I'd like to go and maybe the night before we could go to the theatre and book last minute (if you're not fussed about what you see you can get tickets for £20odds).

My point was that it would be fun to do something spontaneous.

Instead, overnight, he has booked tickets to a specific show that I have no interest in seeing! So again I am paying a premium.

How would you broach this? This is meant to be a joint weekend and I find myself wanting to go less and less.

Also I now realise its booked during Pride (which is fine but not the weekend I was wanting. He goes every year and I don't see how I am going to circumvent this one if we are right in the middle of it all.)

So Aibu and what the hell should I do?

[redshoeblueshoe]

Ring him and tell him - your circumstances have changed and you can't afford it.

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

He knows. My circumstances changed 3 or 4 months ago but this was after he had bought the original tickets.

Its not even the money that I am so annoyed about, it's the thoughtlessness and the fact that I feel railroaded into a weekend that is not what I had originally agreed to.
It costs me a fortune to get there as well which he wouldn't have to pay.

[HoldYerWhist]

Fuck that! He doesn't get to decide how you spend your money.

Tell him you can't afford it. It's not your problem, he created this!

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

I've paid everything so far except for the additional tickets he bought on a whim.

I'm going to tell him ill give him the money that I would have paid for them because I can't afford to pay any more extras.

This is a friendship breaker isn't it?

[HoldYerWhist]

I don't know.

Have you spoken to him about it?

I'm not sure it's a friendship breaker if you've never told him what you can and can't do, IYSWIM.

However, he is totally out of order booking far more expensive things than agreed, even if he thinks you can afford them!

[redshoeblueshoe]

Yes - but its his fault. I wouldn't give him any more money, and I'd ask for any monies given to be returned. I'm sure he will have no trouble finding someone else to go.

[haveabreakhaveakitkat]

He should have checked that you were happy to pay £175 before he booked the seats. He's a thoroughly thoughtless friend, op.

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

I've joked about it as I was so shocked "Steady on Moneybags- some of us have children to support!"

That was after the initial booking. But now with the 2nd it just seems to be getting worse. The money is annoying but its the fact that I feel railroaded into a weekend of things that I am not interested in.
It's supposed to be a joint weekend to celebrate a thing that is happening to us both.

[HoldYerWhist]

Honestly I would just cancel then.

He sounds very self-involved.

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

I can't cancel as I'd lose silly money that I shouldn't have spent in the first place.

I do need to have a conversation with him about it though without destroying the whole weekend. Any pragmatic folk want to write me a speech?

[whois]

He really doesn't sound like a good friend! Who the fuck books front row seats on behalf of someone else?!? Unless they are paying as a treat.

When I go to the theatre with friends the convo goes - "There are some £45 tickets left but they have restricted view. There are lots of £70 tickets in good places. I don't want to go to the next level of £95. Are you happy with £70 or shall we try for a later date to get the cheaper tickets?"

That is normal.

Also, why the fuck are you paying for the hotel not splitting it?

You really need to have a conversation with him about this.

[redshoeblueshoe]

Cancel the hotel, and ask him for your ticket so you can sell it. Ask him first - in case he wants to go with someone else. But I don't see why you can't recoup most of your money.

[MagpieCursedTea]

He sounds a lot like one of my friends. He's off in his own single bubble and can't get his head round the fact that I can't afford to do the things we used to do (nor do I have as much time etc) now I have a family. I find it best just to be honest and spell it out to him. He's not doing it deliberately, it's just hard for him to empathise with my circumstances.

[Momagain1]

Have you ever said, 'i am on a budget, and (range) is as much as I can spare for this'? Some people, even old friends, have to have the facts spelled out. They cant figure out your situation through jokes. Especially if the joke is followed up by a general suggestion of spending on another show, but which wasnt as clear as 'take a chance at the last minute ticket sales'.

If you are still going, you must let him know the current plans are already beyond your limits, and your meals must be student level frugal, and no additional activities unless they are free. Say it clearly. Dont hint or joke.

[FarFromAnyRoad]

What redshoe says. You can easily resell the ticket - you might take a small loss but that's better than a total loss.
This friendship has outlived it's viability - your circumstances are too different and he just doesn't (and can't be expected to) get it.

[haveabreakhaveakitkat]

'Dear Friend, I'm sorry but I simply can't afford £175 for one theatre ticket. My finances are very stretched now due to family commitments. My budget is around £60. Can you sell the tickets and rebook some more affordable ones? If not then I'm sorry but you will have to find someone else to go with you. Love, skint'

[googoodolly]

I think you should have been more specific and said originally that due to your change in circumstances, you couldn't afford ANY more than x amount in total. If he wants to spend more and cover your share, fine, he can't expect you to go into debt/not spend on your children or whatever just because he wants to splash out. That's his choice, so he pays for it!

[DownWithThisTypeOfThing]

How come you're paying for the hotel by yourself?

This is tricky. If you haven't had an explicit conversation saying "my budget is x" then, he's not entirely to blame. Some people don't pick up on jokes and hints.

I think talking about what else you'd do when you were there has given him a misleading impression that it's a full on jolly. At that point you should have said "well, given I've already spent double my budget it has to something less than £20" for the extra event.

If the money has been spent, I'd make the best of the weekend and write it off to experience but would never allow this to happen again. I think you're just on different pages and there's been too much assumption - you assuming he knew your budget and him assuming you had loads of £ to spend. Neither at fault, just both been a bit daft.

[DownWithThisTypeOfThing]

Ps LOVE your username

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

Downwith- Finally somebody got it! Haha.

I'm paying for the hotel because he said "I got the tickets for £175, you can just get the hotel."

And I was too shocked to say anything further. Usually we go 50/50 on everything so that in itself is not unusual.

When the original trip was planned I said "We could do this, it'll cost £60 for this and ? for this so all in all we can have an amazing weekend for £300 all in."

With the 2nd ticket I was quite blatant in saying that I'd rather to do something spontaneous as A) It would be fun and B) Especially after ticket escapade number 1 I cannot afford any further luxuries.

And then he's gone and booked for something anyway. Argh.

I think a poster upthread is right in that perhaps our friendship has outlived it's viability. If I'm honest when he moved away years ago I was pleased as I found him stifling. (He had no other friends here and constant chat of being 'besties'.)
He is kind and a very honest person which is why I was friends with him in the first place but I'm not sure if he is on the spectrum a bit as social norms seem to pass him by entirely.

He has gotten quite possessive, his friends where he is know all about me and my life and so I said (on an open chat online) that they'd be welcome to come meet for a drink and he very quickly replied "No, I want to keep you to myself."

If I cancel now (its this weekend) then I will definitely be the 'bad person' as it was originally me who instigated it and I have not ever visited where he lives since he moved 4 years ago. He has literally been crowing about it to everyone and their mother.

disclaimer... I am aware that this sounds incredibly big headed. I am nothing special and I am not a celebrity or anything to brag about. I don't understand his behaviour at all. I did help him with something important years ago but it doesnt warrant the reputation that I have amongst his new friends.

[googoodolly]

I think you should go this time, but then cool things off. And if you'd already said you didn't want to book anything more, he can damn well pay for the 2nd lot of tickets! He went behind your back - you never agreed to pay for them so that was all his decision.

[highkickindandy]

If you've never visited his new place, maybe he just wants to make it a really special weekend and got carried away.
In future I would be very clear about your budget - no jokes or hints, just state your limit and stick to it.

[viva100]

I think you're both being unreasonable. You didn't make it clear what you wanted and what you can afford. He can't read your mind. And he didn't railroad you, you just didn't say anything. Jokes don't count as objecting to something. Equally though, I've never booked something without confirming with my friends the exact seats, costs etc. And even people who make a very good living might object to £175 for one ticket.
You two don't sound like very good friends tbh as you don't seem to be able to communicate at all.

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

viva you may have nailed it.

I find his company stressful and so I keep communication to a bare minimum. I have not considered him a good friend for a good 8 years or so but it's a different story from his end.

I feel guilt about it as I feel like I can't just 'drop' somebody as a friend when they have not really done anything wrong (apart from not changing over the last 2 decades!)

I really wanted this weekend to go well and to be a good 'sendoff' as my circumstance change takes me further away from him. I just feel so sour about the whole thing and I am undecided as whether to say it out loud or just to continue phasing him out (as my life naturally seems to be reaching away from him.)

I am annoyed at myself and at him. I wish I was less bloody polite as I think I should have been more upfront from the beginning

[viva100]

Hmm not sure I could cancel the weekend either so I don't know what to advise on that. But if you do go, try to make the best of it, especially if things are tough at home (do say from the start that you don't have much spending money though)

As to dropping friends bc they haven't/have changed...well, most people do change. And it's perfectly ok to recognize that you don't have anything in common anymore. I've 'dropped' friends because of it (well, they dropped me too, it tends to just phase out really).
Lesson learnt. Always be upfront about what you want and what you can afford when you're making plans with friends, especially weekends away/holidays.