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to be really upset MIL hasn't phoned to see how I am?

(14 Posts)
ilovecatsanddogsbest Sat 06-Jun-15 19:33:21

I am not close to MIL and the relationship between her and DH is very strained, but I always make an effort to be pleasant to her when we meet (not very often). I have always found her to be very cold and uncaring and completely disinterested in our lives and dc, although she would no doubt disagree as she likes to give the opinion to her friends that we she is a loving parent. Recently I had a bad accident resulting in painful injuries to my arms, legs, face and a broken arm. It was all pretty traumatic. MIL was supposed to be visiting that weekend but when DH phoned her she said 'whats ilove doing?' (she knew I had hurt myself as SIL had told her). DH said 'she's broken her arm etc) MIL said 'oh I won't come then'. DH replied 'Well we could meet up for the day and she said 'No lets leave it'. That was the conversation. She never asked how I was, how we were coping, nothing. Not heard from her since. I am so hurt.

stonelog Sat 06-Jun-15 19:51:23

Please don't be hurt. This is a problem with her personality and way of relating to others, and very likely nothing to do with you. It's telling that she isn't close to her own son either. Either she's just an unempathetic person and not worth bothering with or she is shy and doesn't know how to express herself properly...she may not want to impose on you while you're recovering.

lomega Sat 06-Jun-15 20:17:38

Don't be hurt. If your relationship with her wasn't great to start she's not going to start caring now. It always puzzles me how people assume two women forced together through their son/husband should just magically get on and be friends automatically - it doesn't happen like that! You have to work at it...it sounds like she's not interested. Don't take It personally OP x

ilovecatsanddogsbest Mon 08-Jun-15 13:42:47

Thanks for the reassuring replies. We are due to meet up with MIL in a week and TBH I am still mortified by her complete lack of interest in me and how I am. How do you think I should be at this meeting? I usually make an effort to be super friendly and chatty but now don't even want to speak to her.

CrapBag Mon 08-Jun-15 13:47:31

I think YABU to be surprised that she hasn't asked. She isn't interested so I would make no effort with someone who had such a lack of interest in me. I don't think my MIL would ever phone to see how I am either and we have a slightly better relationship than you do.

YANBU to feel hurt but this speaks volumes about how disinterested she is. I wouldn't waste my time meeting up with her. Life is too short.

Hope you get better soon. flowers

bonzo77 Mon 08-Jun-15 13:50:24

be civil, keep the conversation light. Express faint interest in anything she chooses to talk about. That's it. My MIL is much like yours. Never a moment's interest in me (even after 2 pregnancies and caesarians, a miscarriage and ERPC, a baby in NICU etc etc). Not much more genuine interest in the kids. She won't change any more than yours will. Save yourself the effort but avoid a falling out. I wouldn't confront, there's nothing to be gained: you can't make someone give a shit if they don't want to.

ilovecatsanddogsbest Mon 08-Jun-15 14:17:07

Good advice but I will find it hard to be civil. Just cannot believe that she still has not asked how I am and she has spoken to DH again plus he included in a text to her that I was having a CT scan. Not even a pretence of any concern. Just never come across such an uncaring person before sad

hiddenhome Mon 08-Jun-15 14:23:48

She's a cold fish that's for sure, but you can't change folk and put there what's not there.

Just ignore and get on with things. Don't expect anything from her. Treat her as you would if she was a disinterested colleague.

ComfySensibleShoes Mon 08-Jun-15 14:29:30

You have my sympathies, my MIL is the same. I realised it when I had c-section and she had no interest, didn't help me or ask after me, and she has no interest in the kids apart from barking at them 'are you enjoying school?'. She's a cold one.

I used to make a lot of effort - I wanted to be friends and be a good daughter-in-law to her, but I gave up after several years when I realised I was getting nowhere. When we visit her now I consider it a 'duty visit' and I barely speak, I let her do the talking. She doesn't talk much so it's very uncomfortable. We don't stay long.

ilovecatsanddogsbest Mon 08-Jun-15 14:46:46

Nice to know it's not just me though sorry others have also been exposed to such coldness. From now on I have no intention of keeping conversation flowing which will make things extremely awkward but I don't have any motivation to make things pleasant for her.

ilovechristmas1 Mon 08-Jun-15 14:54:06

you dont particularly like your MIL,she shows little interest in your family,you in turn dont have much time for her and your hurt she is not contacting you

does it really matter,neither of you are bothered about the other,just brush it of,if it was somebody close thats very different,but by your own admission you dont think to highly of her

minandensommerhus Mon 08-Jun-15 14:55:59

Yeh, don't be hurt. If you don't particularly click with her, then don't force a relationship.

my xmil tried to force a relationship with me and I felt exhausted by her.

Soduthen116 Mon 08-Jun-15 14:56:32

Ah what a shame. My dil is ace and we get on like a house fire but then whoever is important to our kids is important to us.

She aounds like she was always a cold fish op. Her loss. Don't take it personally. Hope you feel better soon.

ilovecatsanddogsbest Mon 08-Jun-15 14:59:18

I don't really understand why I am so bothered by MIL and her lack of care. I wish I could get over it as you are right that it shouldn't matter to me. Need to work on that.

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